.:You better shape up 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you:.

I wrote this thing a looooooong time ago... And you know, it's still true today.

Monday, May 31, 2004

I want a man who loves Jesus more than me. I want a man who plays w/my hair. I want a man who will be honest w/me at all times. I want a man who will treat me like a princess b/c I will treat him like he's my prince. I want a man who will love me forever and tell me that every single day. I want a man who is confident. I want a man who is not shallow or selfish, who is deeply interested in helping others. I want a man who is my friend. I want a man who will rub my tummy until I fall asleep. I want a man who can laugh w/me, and laugh at me to make me laugh. I want a man w/strong arms, arms that can provide security for me when I need it. I want a man who will go to concerts w/me or will sit w/me listening to live music. I want a man w/a sense of humor. I want a man w/integrity and ambition. I want a man who is disciplined. I want a man who can do things w/me w/o any particular reason, like sitting in a church all day long w/o anyone else or driving for hours and then turning around and going back. I want a man who can admit when he is wrong. I want a man who can dance. I want a man who occasionally asks for directions. I want a man who wants babies w/me. I want a man who loves the beach. I want a man who will play fight w/me. I want a man who isn't afraid to cry. I want a man who wants to walk down the same road of life w/me as he holds my hand. I want a man I can trust. I want a man I can talk to. I want a man who will watch my flavorite movies w/me over and over again. I want a man who will not get bored w/me easily. I want a man who doesn't find me annoying. I want a man who will sing to me my favorite songs all the time, even if he isn't the best singer. I want a man who is patient and kind. I want a man who is humble. I want a man who is running hard after the Lord. I want a man who would sacrifice everything for me, even though I wouldn't let him. I want a man who can appreciate the simple things in life. I want a man who thinks I am beautiful. I want a man w/a heart of gold. I want a man who will eat Twizzlers and malt balls w/me until we're sick. I want a man who knows what he wants out of life, and almost or pretty much how to get it. I want a man who will cuddle w/me for hours. I want a man who will grab my hand spontaneously b/c he is a spontaneous man. I want a man who wouldn't go nuts if i redecorated our house once every other year if it didn't cost too much. I want a man who can accept change. I want a man who fears God, and loves Him at the same time. I want a man who can say "I love you" in front of others. I want a man who is affectionate. I want a man who loves me for me. I want a man who isn't afraid of an intelligent woman. I want a man w/passion. I want a man who can look into my eyes for a really long time. I want a man that my family loves. I want a man who I can grow old w/. I want a man who will whisper in my ear a whole bunch. I want a man who admires beauty and things for what they are, and for what they aren't. I want a man who can tickle me better than my daddy can. I want a man that I can be proud of. I want a man who will communicate well w/me. I want a man who wants the best for me. Most of all, I want a man who wants a woman like me, and the man that God has picked out for just me.

.:Didn't I give you every, everything that a woman possibly can:.

Bear with me. I just needed to get this out.

When the heart gets attached to a person, namely through falling in love, it wants them even for reasons unbeknownst to itself. It craves the attention from that person. It jumps when you get a phone call out of the blue or beats faster upon that person's impending arrival when you're meeting up. It does these things naturally, even when the bond with that person is broken and even when you know it is best for you to simply walk away and wish them well.

Obviously, life isn't that simple. Especially in a place as small as Austin.

Quite frankly, my heart hurts right now. I know I'll be fine (probably even right after I cathartically publish this post), but over the course of the past few months of my life, I allowed myself the decision to change my mind about a few things. One thing in particular was sex, and although on this blog I have proclaimed I was waiting until marriage to do the deed, I gave myself the liberty to change my mind. I entered into an entanglement with a person I fell in love with and I was left brokenhearted, my biggest fear.

Funny thing about having "biggest" fears is that they always actualize. You put a lot of thought and energy into those things and as a result, they eventuate. It's not a complex concept. It simply happens. I thought I had left my fear in Seattle a few months back, but it crept back into my life and so I welcomed it and offered it a drink.

Life has some pretty amazing twists and turns, doesn't it? You're often left with the thought, "Did that REALLY just happen?" Well, at least, I am. And that's ok. I'd rather my life be interesting than just alright. There is beauty in the good and the "bad." I believe "bad" is really just an opportunity to grow. These things make us all the more wise, do they not? Wisdom, after all, rarely comes from having a life of safety and making all of the right decisions, pleasing all of the right people. It comes from our successes sometimes, but mostly our failures.

So, I made a mistake. I cannot regret it for what it has taught me. All I can do is honor myself for where I am and move on.

I wrote this yesterday. Yes, this is me bearing my soul, but that's the way that I am. I cannot deny myself my nature on this. I just need to process it so there's room for something - someone - much, much better.

----
Sitting at the window of a coffee shop on 1st, facing toward the street and where the sunlight is coming in. I sip my tea, hot on a warm day, and listen to the ambient tunes blasting above me. I recall the last time we were together intimately - nostalgic, sad, and relieved at once. It is your wedding day. I take another sip of my tea and embrace its bittersweetness.

So many memories flood my brain. So many emotions flood my heart. I won't write them here, but I will honor them and send them on their journey.

Along with you and the piece of my heart I gave to you with my body.

.:Home is when I'm alone with you:.

My body is saying something to me and I'm not sure I like it. To put it quite honestly, I'm trying to fight it. How am I to listen to my beautiful, young, vibrant internal self when it's saying things like, "A home of your own would be nice. You know, the kind with a garden and a pet."?! Soon, I'll be trading my g-ma's Ford Taurus [Read: Old lady car! YES!] for my ma's Toyota Sienna XLE [Read: MINI VAN.] - and I'm excited about it. I've been craving home-ness and warmth and closeness for months now. How can I take myself seriously when, at the ripe, old age of 25, my body is telling me to...

Settle down.

WHAT?! Never! Me?! Settle down - you've got to be kidding me. I can't settle down. That's for 60-year-olds or something, right? How is this possible? I'm totally ok with "growing up" but good grief, this is a disaster. My whole M.O. revolves around being constantly on the go, up for anything, living life to the fullest - and then this comes along and I start getting all sentimental and start looking at house porn, dreaming of buying a home that looks so... I can't say it. I can't!

So permanent! UGH! What is happening to me?! Whyyyy is it happening to me?! I'm so young. I have dreams of traveling the world and sleeping (illegally?) on beaches far away, nothing tying me down, but then I get sidetracked by the American Dream. You know, that one. That one that haunts everyone, including me now, I guess. It feels so shameful. What am I supposed to do? I don't even have the finances to support such a dream, so it's not like I can do anything about it, but still, there it lurks. Around every corner, in every mirror, I see an older version of me, taunting me to give in to this idea of settling down. *Shudders* That is so not for me... Or is it? NO! Oh, the horror! What have I done with myself? Who is this person? Why does she want home-cooked meals every night with a fireplace (the perfect picture of settled adulthood right there) and something permanent and ... and ... and ... stable.

I think my life is over. There has to be some way to fix this.

Right?

.:When the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case:.

I miss the rain in Thailand. It was the only time one ever felt chilly during the hot months of the summertime. The drops of rain would dance along the tin roof of our apartment, making music so organic and subtle. It cleansed the earth and the buildings of their layers that kept holding on to the days before. It was restorative. It was fresh and new.

In the Deep South where I am from, people would pray for rain all the time. Farmers' children went to my school and we knew plenty of people with farmland in our small town. The rain was essential to their crops, their livelihood. It brought them peace and prosperity, silencing inner turmoil that would arise during times of drought.

One of my favorite things about rain is how it changes things so dramatically when it is simply drops of water from the sky. It is so special to life for it is essential for our bodies and for everything that we do. It is also symbolic, and few things make me happier than to sit alone on my couch with a cup of hot tea, just listening to the rain, watching it fall from the sky, washing away the dirt and sadness, bringing new life to whatever it kisses.

Today, I am praying for rain.

SlutWalk | My Story

I attended my first ever rally demonstration yesterday. I was getting really excited earlier when I realized it was my first, and it also happened to be a feminist rally against sexual violence, particularly against victim-blaming, called SlutWalk.

SlutWalk came to be when a police officer made a statement that a woman who had been sexually assaulted could have prevented her situation if she “hadn’t dressed like a slut” in the first place. This sparked a lot of anger in some people’s hearts, as it should for all of us but we will get there in a minute, and thus came about SlutWalk.

I was there at the Capitol Building steps in sunny Austin, TX, alongside one of my favorite people on the planet, my best friend Gina. We were thinking about all of the people we knew in common who we wished could have joined us – former college peers, one of our professors, and several of our friends outside of the small, liberal arts college we attended – and I believe that we carried those absent people with us on our march.

Before taking off, there were several speakers from different walks of life, including a very loud gentleman that made me think of my good friend Rob, and some of them really spoke to me in light of my experience with sexual violence. They shared facts, statistics, and personal experiences, most of which were incredibly heartbreaking like the fact that 2 women are sexually assaulted/raped every day in Texas (maybe she even said Austin more specifically) and the sexual assault victims in Austin have ranged from 6 months old (SIX MONTHS.) to 80 years old. Also, it was stated that about 95% of sexual violence victims have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I seriously do not doubt that.

When Dr. Kyle spoke about how victims often feel embarrassed, ashamed, and depressed after an attack, that’s the part that made my heart rip in half. I stood there in a crowd of amazingly strong, wonderful men and women, and felt that most of us there had experienced the things she spoke about and had the same reactions afterward. Dr. Kyle and the other speakers encouraged victims to speak about their experiences and I felt ready.

When I was 17, I was sexually assaulted by a former friend. He wasn’t someone I knew very well or spent a lot of time with, but he was close enough for me to feel comfortable inviting him to my hotel room where I was staying alone.

“Whatever we wear, wherever we go, yes means yes, no means no!” was the first chant of the rally yesterday. I couldn’t join in the chant. I couldn’t even speak. My eyes welled up with tears, I covered my mouth, and I began to cry as I recalled that it was what I was wearing that changed the mood of that night.

I had bought a dress that I adored at the mall earlier that day. I was pretty well known for wearing low cut halter dresses, and this was by far the most revealing garment I’d ever purchased. He wanted to see it on me, so I changed in the bathroom and then came out to reveal my new favorite dress. His face, his composure, the air in the room changed dramatically when I came out. Knowing this, I decided to change back into my pajamas where I was more comfortable and then, hang out with my friend without him looking at me in such a manner that was foreign to our seemingly platonic relationship.

“When women’s bodies are under attack, what do we do? Stand up, fight back!” was the first chant I recall truly participating in, trying to muster up some strength for my teenage self.

He wanted to make out with me, so I figured, why not? I don’t go any further than that. Plus, he had a curfew he wasn’t supposed to break. I turned on the tv to hopefully distract him a little bit, but he was forceful and I felt his hand going down my pants.

“I really don’t want to do this,” I said to him, pleading for him to stop.

“It won’t hurt. You’ll like it!” he replied, as he began to thrust his hand into me. I've never heard anyone more wrong in my entire life, and it was unfolding right before my eyes, inside my very own body.

His face – I remember it so vividly I could paint it – was so cold and unfamiliar. I literally felt like I was with a total stranger. I felt alone and violated. I tried to say no a few more times but it was as if he couldn’t hear me. I felt so numb and out of place that I didn’t know what to do. I was just barely 17. The most I’d done was get topless for some guy. Was this the way it was supposed to happen? It didn’t feel right.

Finally, it was as if he snapped back into reality and realized what he was doing. He stopped abruptly and went to the bathroom to wash his hands. While he was away, I hugged my knees on the hotel bed and just cried. He ran back into the room in a panic, saying, “Oh, God! I’m sorry! I don’t… I… I’m sorry! I have to go!” and ran out.

Shocked and confused by what had transpired, I froze for as long as I can remember. When I finally collected myself, I phoned my closest guy friend and tearfully told him what went down. His response: I shouldn’t have been alone with the guy like that. What did I expect?

“My little black dress does not mean yes!” read a sign at the rally. The rally was an attempt to end slut-shaming and victim-blaming. I wouldn’t identify my 17-year-old self as a slut, but a victim, yes, and in no way were his actions against me my fault.

I called my best girl friend after the first phone call, feeling more alone than ever. She offered me sympathy and her voice was what enabled me to sleep a little that night.

It has taken me over 8 years to speak about this incident, and part of me believes some of that is the shame that I felt when I was told I was to blame. The dress I wore did turn him on. I will agree to that, but I can confidently say that I am in no way to blame for his actions that violated my body after I said no.

When the rally was approaching the capitol steps, our chant was waning, but at some moment, I felt empowered enough to take the lead on the last chant. With all of my breath and vocal strength, I yelled, “Whatever we wear, wherever we go-“ and was followed by, “Yes means yes, no means no!”

I’ve never felt more powerful in my entire life.

I have forgiven my assailant. I honestly hope that was the only time he had ever done that, realizing it was a huge mistake. Everyone makes bad choices and I am a firm believer that each person is worthy of forgiveness. I wish him the best on his journey.

As for mine, I will continue to educate others about victim-blaming and how to fight back when he/she may be in a similar situation. I will share my story as often as I need to, and I will listen to anyone who needs to talk.

Silence is not the answer. Share your story – when you are ready.

Thank you for reading.

.:You are what you love and not what loves you back:.

Blogs make me spill my heart out, not that it wasn't on my sleeve to begin with. This just makes it even more transparent. Lucky you. ;)

Last night, I went to bed heartbroken (well, more like heart-chipped) and woke up pretty much the same. Didn't even leave my bed for a few hours. Such a mess that broken heart can make! 2 hours of productive time I spent in the comforts of my pillows and blankets and warmth... Ok, so maybe not such a bad idea on virtual paper, but there was something plaguing me that kept me there so long, tears streaming intermittently, and here is the real truth.

I am exhausted with lust.

Perhaps some of this is due to the fact that I recently came back from a wedding, and we all know that weddings really make you think about your own whether you've had one (or more than one?) or haven't. (Don't deny it, ok? You know weddings do that. It's no big secret.) So, spending days in another state celebrating the union of 2 people who actually want to see each other every day for, like, EVER and want to make a contract out of it could make me feel exhausted with the whole "we're just sleeping together/fooling around" mentality. But that doesn't seem like the problem, though. Could it be something ongoing and not just event-driven? Maybe it's because I've never had a boyfriend longer than a year and that was 6 years ago? *pause for reflection* No, that can't be it. Wait. I know! I've got it.

I am the girlfriend type.

*headdesk* Casual flings are not for me. Realizing that I am the girlfriend type makes me feel so much more alone in our day and age than ever before. I say "ever before" because I already felt alone when I chose to be abstinent (of the penetration variety, you know). Yeah. How about them apples?! I'm a social weirdo, which is totally cool because I have a laundry list of reasons for it that I am confident in, but the fact that I am the girlfriend type is absolutely solidified right there. Simply put, I don't put out. Finding a guy who is comfortable with this idea (HAH! That's a stretch.) and won't sleep with someone else behind your back (Cue scenes from every relationship I've ever been in.) is near to impossible. Ok, we know where to find some of those, I don't have to say it, but I guess I'm REALLY picky when it comes to men.

Maybe I'm just too pessimistic. But seriously, what happened to relationships? What happened to actually getting to know someone before you took their clothes off? Call me old fashioned, but I consider it a common courtesy to find out what someone's world is all about before you work your magical, one-handed, unhook-the-bra/unbutton-the-pants trick. The bra trick is *real* impressive guys, but you'd impress me more if you actually did call the next day - and, while we're at it, even the next - to see me with my clothes ON. Don't get me wrong - I do like the hours-long make-out sessions and whatnot. It's all great and natural, I'm totally not knocking that, but for someone who gets attached when intimate actions are involved, my heart is obliterated when the night ends with, "Well, that was fun. See you around." (Just stab me in the chest, for crying out loud!) Maybe this whole real life relationship thing just happens to other people and it's just not my turn yet. That's fine. I'm sure that turn will happen one day and honestly, I'm not in a rush because I'm a bit preoccupied. But today, I am simply exhausted with lust, and I think that's ok. So from now on, let this be my introduction to the male society:

Hi. My name is Anslee. I will date you if we gel, but keep your penis to yourself until this is a forever-ever kind of thing. Got it?

.:Where is my mind, where is my mind, wheeeerrreeee is myyy mmmiiinnnddd:.

South by Southwest (aka SXSW) just happened. It didn't happen quite as drunkenly as it had for me in the past. In fact, I was sober the entire time. I actually drank nothing but water - with exception to the 3 Zico coconut waters, which are entirely delicious, by the way. In any case, I did feel quite energy-zapped by yesterday afternoon just from all of the walking around (I probably averaged a good 3 miles/day) and all of the awesome live music and crazy people everywhere. But even in all the craziness, I came to a few conclusions about myself and my life. Here goes...

1) I desperately want to write music again. I've been DYING [Repeat: DIE. ING.] to sing again for a long time. I think about it every day. So, I decided I will write again and try to play all of my songs on a sweet little ukulele. I'm currently searching for one as I type this. (Etsy rox.)

2) Speaking of writing music, I'm gonna write happy little love songs. And when I sing them, I'm gonna wear a cute, brightly colored dress. That's just how it's gonna be. Why? Because I'm a happy person. And that's what happy people do. Ok, not all happy people wear cute dresses and sing silly love songs while playing a ukulele, but it seems appropriate. At least, for me it does.

3) I'm going to wear ridiculously awesome dresses. I'm kind of going to give myself a makeover, essentially. I make my own dresses, so I have the capacity to re-create what I do. Not that I don't have awesome dresses now, I just think I've been playing it safe lately. I need to throw myself into myself, right? So, why not throw out all of the safety regulations with that?! That's totally me! And I love me! YAY!

4) I'm gonna learn Spanish. End of story. (And I'm gonna be really awesome at speaking it, too.)

5) I'm going to get that super sweet car wrap I've been dreaming about for a while. It's going to happen in the next year. No one can stop me.

6) Photography is another huge passion of mine. I'm gonna do more of that. I'll have more shows. And I will not care (or try not to if I do) if things don't sell - because honestly, I don't do it for the money. I do it for the love of art and self-expression. I should express myself more.

All of these things - these numbers above - are mere attempts of me just being me. I get ideas and I want to explore them. I haven't done this as much lately because I've really thrown myself into work - as I should, of course, since it's a rad ass business that is picking up - but I've made the decision to do what I really want to do as well. I don't care if I can't find a minute of sleep. If I live my life the way I think I should live it, I'll die one day the happiest lady ever. With happy love songs on her ukulele. And bright colors everywhere. I want to delve into my life because, let's face it, it's my life! My life is great and I love it so, so much, so why wouldn't I want to get deeper into it? What do I have to lose? I have no one but me to contend with, at least, for now, so I'm gonna make me happy, and hopefully, that will make others happy. I've concentrated so hard on the outward expression - which, don't get me wrong, is a beautiful, beautiful way to live life - but I've been wondering what the missing link is, and I think it's me. I need to foster my relationship within myself. That sounds so selfish, but I truly, deeply believe that if I do, then it will probably have some sort of effect on the happiness of others. After all, laughter is contagious, right?

I wanna laugh - all. the. live. long. day.

GET EXCITED!!!! THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL!

.:Well, I guess this is growing up:.

Holy amazeballs - I haven't updated in the better part of a year! I've been writing a lot in a real life journal, but that should not excuse me from neglecting my friends who may want to keep up with things. Sorry, friends! I love you. :)

The past few months have been a whirlwind of passion, stress, excitement, heartbreak, and just plain growing up. As I approach the 25th year of my being alive and amazed by this world I am so graciously allowed to inhabit, I find myself becoming more and more who I've known myself to be in the depths of the heart region. It's a wonderful feeling, one that is very difficult to full describe. I feel more at peace than I've ever felt, and I believe a lot of that is because I'm discovering what it may mean to actually have faith and simply know how to relax. I'm a Connell - relaxation doesn't come easily to us - but I find rest in the beautiful parts of my day that make me stop and think, It's great to be alive.

I got baptized in May, so that was pretty cool. You can see the profile here. You can see the video here. It was a beautiful milestone in my life. I couldn't help but cry the whole service because I honestly felt like my life was changing by this experience. I'd gone through a period where I didn't want anyone to know I loved the Lord because it seemed cliche and uncool and, actually, kind of stupid. Our culture has such a weird way of handling Christianity. It seems that you're either looked down upon as stupid and simple minded (Imagine that.) or you have to fit into some sort of box where you buy all the Jesus shirts just to make sure people don't have to question you to your face. (I'm paraphrasing a long conversation in my head here.) I've always felt different, though, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I wasn't even sure how I felt, to be perfectly honest, because since Nathan's death and my departure and disassociation with Campus Outreach, I was a bit deterred from the whole idea. Since finding my community with Vox Veniae, I've discovered a people that resonates well with my ideals and my heart, and I realized that it was really my faith that lead me to them. I've never met a more loving, warm, encouraging group of people in my life, and they not only support me, but they share themselves with their neighbors as well as our community. I realized that I had known Christ my entire life, but only when I found this community, I started actually following Him and doing what He says. All of that to say, my baptism wasn't a testament that I had "found Jesus for the first time." It was a testament that I had found Jesus for the last time - you know, the Jesus that doesn't judge or hate or point fingers, but the one that really, truly, earnestly loves every single person without question or fail. The perfect example of Love is what I want to be apart of forever ever (forever ever).

So, there's that. I got over my expired relationships - all of them - this summer on my roadtrip. Two solid weeks of driving and crying, seeing family, listening to old music that brought up incredibly poignant memories that shattered me all over the highways of my past, and seeing some of the most beautiful landscapes I have missed passing through over the 3.5 years I've lived in Austin. I made peace with my old private school by visiting the campus and seeing the faculty. Some amazing things happened at that school that have shaped me to be me, the me I love so much today, and those are the moments I am choosing to carry with me. High school is horrible for pretty much everyone, so why did I harbor these feelings that were so long ago? So, I got over it. I got over a lot of things. I saw the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I let my tears cleanse my soul to get ready for this next, huge part of my life.

That brings me here to today. I survived Austin Fashion Week, and learned my boundaries/limitations. In my business, I am stressed out a lot of the time - more eustress, not so much distress - and some of that is due to time management but the fact that I have some great people in my life who want me to do creative things for them. How awesome is that?! I've been doing a purging of stuff from my apartment because, really, why do I need a lot of that stuff?! Get rid of it! It feels great, and no, I am no where near done. I'm learning to say the word "No" more, and it's a great word to say for yourself. If you haven't discovered it yet, you should try it. I've paid off some credit cards lately (THANK GOD.) and I'm trying to save up for some business endeavors. All in all, things feel really great, and I'm getting ready for the East Austin Studio Tour again. This year, it's going to be really personal for me, especially in light of the business I've been building for over a year now and also in light of the recent events regarding suicides of our youth across the nation. I'm really excited about my installation, which I am involving a few of my friends in, and I feel great about it.

Things are going well, and I guess I just had to stop fighting becoming an adult and just... do it. It's harder than I thought it would be, especially since I decided that, okay, I will keep up with my damn taxes. [Insert eye roll here.] Even still, I haven't lost that spirit inside me that demands fun and adventure. I'm just learning how to add it in with everything else that requires me to become a strong, independent, successful, healthy woman because that is exactly what I am on my way to be, and I'm learning so much good, great stuff on this journey.

.:I read with every broken heart you should become more adventurous:.

My friends are very dear to my heart. Sugar Mama's cupcakes are also very dear to my heart. In the past 2 days, 2 of my friends have brought me said cupcakes. I just tried to work off at least one of the 3.5 I've eaten within 48 hours. (My friends really love me.)

The truth is that they brought these delicious treats to me after the guy I was dating and I broke up. I'm not sure if one can actually "break up" with another without being officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but to save time from that headache, we'll just ignore that part. Honestly, I kind of saw it coming given a few obvious signs that, of course, I refused to acknowledge as things that would walk straight out of the book He's Just Not That Into You. What can I say? I come by it honestly.

I believe in giving those I care about the benefit of the doubt, especially if I have a romantic interest in a person. Although I have trust issues, I kept trusting in the hope I had that this would be different. It felt different, at least in the beginning. I've never felt so comfortable with someone I was dating. I trusted that he would actually try again after our "almost break up" in December. Maybe I'm just truly naive. Or maybe I was just truly hopeful for this relationship. Whatever. It's over, right?

It may be over, but it still hurts quite a bit. Rejection is really hard to deal with, but I've learned so much throughout the past 3.5 months and I am continuing to as my journey leads me in another direction. I'm choosing to not allow fear to invade my heart, but rather search my heart to find the love placed within it that can create something really beautiful.

.:You've got to give a little love to get a little love:.

Gina just let me borrow Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years," and I can't put it down. I have so much cleaning to do in preparation for tomorrow night's Neighborhood gathering at my place, but I just want to read this thing until I can't read anymore.

I'm in a very soul-searching stage of life at the moment as I am now in my mid-20's and consequently an "adult." After my birthday and coming back from a trip with my parents, I decided to make a lot of changes that involve who I am at the core - a musician, artist, designer, among other things - and who I want to be (which also particularly involves my physical health). All of my recent goings on have inspired me to further question everything I encounter, and lately, I've been wondering just how everything (including people) in my life plays out, or if all of it ever will.

Many people see me as a passionate person, and I would have to agree. My friend Jennifer came to visit and she said even my shower curtain screams passion! I just thought it was an ordinary shower curtain. Who knew?! But as I've been reading this book, I've been thinking about the narrative that is my story and wondering what I'm going to really do with that passion that I am so known for. When it comes to "life story," there are certain things we include, certain highlights we hit, and then it comes to the here and now, which is obviously unwritten. But what Gina and I are questioning is what our here and now will say. What kind of story are we living and breathing? Is it great? Is it boring? Is it mediocre? Is it worthy of being "read"?

We write our own stories. We make choices every day to do the right thing or do something different or give ourselves a break. Essentially, we are the authors and if something needs to be done, we should write it in there. I think Miller maybe talks about God as Author, but I haven't gotten to that part yet. Regardless, as I read this story, I'm wondering about my own and where I'm going from this point forward. Even with all of my changes, I'm pondering what other adjustments that need to be made. How can I spice it up a little bit? How can I make my story a great story?

.:You give your love so sweetly:.

Something happened today that has been on my mind ever since. It forced me to realize just how selfish and horrible I am, and I've been thinking about the heart of my friend who helped me see this light all day long.

This morning at Vox, my realization began when my friend Hannah shared information about Haiti. I listened to the facts of the devastation as photos rolled behind her, and I started to think about how these people have lost so much and all I can think about during this time are my own issues. It's disgusting, really, to be so self-absorbed, which is largely what I've been since coming back from Georgia and making all of these lifestyle changes. But it didn't stop there.

Sweet Becky, my friend who was homeless but now lives in a trailer on the East side and sells flowers on the Drag, shared something that made me really upset for her and then upset at myself. She has been deeply connected with a pastor she calls "Brother Dwayne," who has a church on the East side and has done really wonderful things for the homeless community. Brother Dwayne has been on Becky's lips since the day I met her, so I know she really loves this man and all he has done for her and countless others in need. Becky announced that he died in a car wreck not very long ago, maybe last week, and although I never met him, I'm tearing up now just writing about it. I don't deal well with death, and most of those close to me know this, but especially when such incredibly loving individuals such as Brother Dwayne are taken away. It seems that the really great ones are taken before anyone can prepare for it. He also has 3 children with 1 on the way. My heart was crushed. Becky spoke a little bit about her own feelings, and that's when I realized I'm a really horrible human being.

Picture a woman who is about 60, pretty short, round, almost toothless, and wears an interesting array of clothing that is too big for her. She has long white hair and very pale skin with tiny, beady eyes. She is often mistaken as homeless although she is no longer, though she still struggles. This sweet woman told a room full of people that she wanted to do more for the homeless in Brother Dwayne's honor. Becky - a person who has barely anything to her name - wants to give more to other people. It's so beautiful that it makes me cry as I sit here comfortably on my leather couch, with air conditioning, listening to music on my iPhone that plays through a portable Bose speaker. I just want to rip my heart out and stomp on it for an hour.

I want a heart like Becky's - to give everything I have for other people because I truly want to. To have that desire, that ability to forget about yourself for the benefit of others, is something I hope I can achieve one day for my own life. Maybe one day I won't be so comfortable with all of my stuff surrounding me but instead make a difference out of humility.

.:They call it Stormy Monday, but Tuesday's just as bad:.

WOW! I have a story today that is pretty much awesome!

Since I'm changing all of these things in my life, I decided I would check out TC's Lounge on the East side Monday night because I heard from some friends there was a really good blues band that plays there every Monday. I took my friend Jenny and I thought I would give it a shot to see if the band would let me sing "Stormy Monday" with them. As it turns out, I knew the guitarist from when I worked with him over 2 years ago, so that was exciting. I spoke to him about singing and he informed me that I should ask the drummer, but that he would most likely say no. I also talked to him about playing the song. He said they would play it for a certain singer who would occasionally drop by, so I thought maybe my odds were better. I spoke to the drummer man and he shot me down! He was nice about it. I asked if they could play that song and, yes, he lied to me and said they didn't. He was nice about the whole thing, but I couldn't help but feel like I had been played.

So that brings me to yesterday... My friend Courtney and I decided to go to Austin Java for lunch. You are supposed to park in the parking lot and either walk to the restaurant or take the free shuttle. We took the shuttle, and the driver guy was really cool. I decided he would be my friend the moment we got in the van. We started talking about blues music and I tell him how un-bluesy the band at TC's was to me the night before [Note: Even though they are a good blues band, that was so un-blues what they did.]. He said, "You're a blues singer? Let's hear it!" and he turns off the cd player (Stevie Ray!!!). I hesitated, laughed because I thought he was joking for a second, and then just started belting it out, right there in the van. He really liked it! He got my phone number for when he does a collaborative blues album (he's a blues singer/guitarist) and he told me about the Open Mic Night at Ruta Maya on Tuesdays. I immediately decided I would go, and Courtney said she would be there, too.

The way the Ruta Maya Open Mic Night works is that all the artists get there at 8:30 and put their names on a small piece of paper for a lottery. If someone played last week, they weren't allowed to play this week. There were a bunch of people up there, so I wasn't sure what was going to happen as they only had 16 slots. My heart was pounding the entire time! This guy Nikolai was going crazy over my eyes while we were all meeting, which I found hilarious. He kept shouting things like, "Ooooh, those are the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen!" and "They look like Heaven!" If you could hear this guy's voice, you would undoubtedly be laughing, too. I wish I could describe it. This guy was a character - and there's more to say about him later. I digress. The guy pulls out all of the names but 2 and the 16 slots were already filled. Then, he says, "SavannahRed?" I told him it was me. He said, "Ok, you're on!" WHOA! Talk about nervous. My heart briefly went to live with my stomach. It was a really great feeling just to know I was getting a guaranteed chance, even though I didn't know what time it would happen. Their system is quite interesting, but it worked, for the most part.

I had only been to one other open mic night in Austin, so I didn't know what to expect at Ruta Maya. There were some decent acts, some not as decent acts, and then some really great ones that I should have followed up on. A guy I met on the balcony sat with us the whole time, and he is a really sweet guy named Joe. I could tell Joe had been on the scene for a while. Everybody seemed to know him, even from way back, and he had a really chill vibe going on the whole night, even though he was tired and needed to get up early. We would talk between sets about the music scene or the artist, and I really liked hanging out with Joe. He knew Nikolai, too, and he told us that he would definitely put on a show.

Enter Nikolai on the stage. It takes him what seems like forever to get the house band set up, but it was worth it. This guy must be close to 60. He's pretty tall, has a big nose [read: schnoz], and a gray bowl cut. He was wearing a really long, white trench coat-looking thing over a white blazer over a red pleather vest and red pleather pants. I shit you not! Joe said, "Oh, this is going to be loud!" And he was not kidding. It. was. RIDICULOUS! This guy had the house band playing some kind of metal something and he was singing/screaming "FLY!" as he mainly knelt on the stage while the mic was in his hand. He tried to spin around and fell on the stage, then did a hand stand while singing. It was amazing! He kept trying to climb on the speakers and fell off a few times. He did backflips in front of the audience and did a backflip off a table where some people were sitting. It was nuts! I don't think anyone could turn their attention away from this crazy man on stage, and he was on there for a reaaaaally long time. It was pretty intense.

So, the night progressed and I got hit on literally 7 times throughout the night. I started laughing about it really hard at one point because it seemed so unbelievable. I mean, getting hit on at Ruta Maya? I never would have guessed that in a thousand years. Joe said, "You look good! That shouldn't be such a surprise!" Thank you, Joe! But seriously... hippies hit on me. Strange. (Favorite one of the night: "Hey, what's your name?" "Anslee" "Do you come here often?" "I come for yoga sometimes." "Oh, well you should come to the poetry open mic night! Do you write?" "Yeah, I do write, but I'm actually here for the music open mic." "I was about to leave, but if you're singing, I'm sticking around." Hiiilarious!)

Finally, they call my name, and I'm after 2 other people. The first person goes and the second is MIA, so then it was time for me! I tell the house band what to do, make a few jokes into the mic, and then we're set. I was so nervous that I felt like my legs wouldn't stop shaking and my feet couldn't really feel the stage below me. But singing on that stage felt so natural. I wasn't worried about whether or not I would start coughing or lose my voice or hit the wrong note. I was just up there. I felt so free. I felt so beautiful. I felt like I was the most important person in the world at that moment because people were there, listening to me, listening to my talent that I've hidden for a little while. It felt like home, despite my nerves. Courtney and another person I met recently, Cherie, were taking pictures of me and cheering me on at the base of the stage. It just felt so magical and real at the same time. I wish every moment of my life could be like that, and it's a lot like that when I sing because I just love it so much! And especially when I sing "Stormy Monday" because I feel like I own that song, I know it so well and I've made it my own. I felt complete on that stage.

Afterwards, I got so many compliments from everyone, especially Courtney and Heather, and I felt so supported and so loved that I couldn't help but beam the rest of the night. Joe was playing soon, so I stuck around to hear him, and he is phenomenal! We talked after he played about collaborating, and we both agreed that it seemed like something we should do because we truly enjoyed each other's talent. So, here's Joe and me!

I love where life is taking me right now. It's digging up my roots, and in a really great way. I wanted to call my parents after I sang but it was about 1 am, so I knew they wouldn't like it, even if it was good news. I am hopeful about this new/old venture for me. It's new because I put what I've done my entire life on hold until now. It's ok, though. I pursued other things that are working for me, too, but it's definitely the right time for me to get my knees deep in the music that rocks me to my core - the blues, jazz, anything. This feels so right. I am so fortunate. I hope it never, ever stops.

.:Just give me some kind of sign, girl, oh my baby, show me that you're mine, girl, alright:.

I really don't mind that a lot of my life is public. My parents don't understand the whole blogging/Facebook thing, and I catch a lot of slack for it. As long as I don't divulge too much personal stuff, I think I'm pretty safe.

So, I had a crazy moment not too long ago. It's safe to say that Thanksgiving to mid-December was about the time I was very out of control. It's interesting how emotional situations combined with holiday festivities [Read: FOOD!] and the busy time that this time of year brings can just knock you off your rocker if you allow it to. I took the trip to my home in Georgia to straighten myself out, or "reprogram" myself, as my Aunt Kathie said. It is always good for me to surround myself with those who know and love me best. They remind me of where I came from, the dreams I once had and yearned to accomplish, and who I am in their eyes - which is held to some pretty high standards, but not ones I cannot meet or even exceed.

During a time where so many people are creating resolutions for the year ahead of them, I chose to make lifestyle changes that would carry on much past 365 days. I feel like I've been entrusted with this personality and this magnetism that somehow inspires people, and I don't know why, but I need to make it work the way it's supposed to and quit hiding behind things. I've been a mover and a shaker my entire life, and I've allowed myself to get caught up on some very small things, and for what? It just makes matters worse when I do. So, how about we stop? Fine. I gave up on that in order to work harder and be the best me.

I just want to give the world my best, and I believe it's ok to fall short of that, to allow myself to fall short of that, but there has to be a time where you pick yourself up and get your ass in gear. I'm ready. I'm ready for good things. I've always said, "Opportunities: take 'em or make 'em!" and I'm trying again, again again again, to live by that. It's easy to forget. It's easy to be lazy or unmotivated or uninterested, but that's not me. To feel "entrusted" with something like the ability to change the world with vintage-inspired clothing or to bring more sunshine into the world is like owning a key - you have this gift that allows things to happen or open up, and because you are the one who keeps this special thing, you should not allow yourself to lose it but rather use it at the time when it is needed. That may be weird, but it's what my heart understands at the moment to keep my head in the clouds but my feet on the ground.

Happy 2010! I learned so much in 2009, so I'm pretty excited about what this year is going to teach me and, perhaps, teach all of us.

.:You make me feel like I am fun again:.

There have been a few things that have been on my soul lately, and I'm not sure what to think. Do I follow the rules? Do I listen to my heart? I really don't think there are any rules when it comes to matters of the heart.

"I don't believe that there's such a thing as saying too much." Patty Griffin

Me neither, Patty. At least I know that no matter what, I've got you.

.:Baby, I'm broke. Got to go out to the street and get it if I can:.

Austin, how I love thee! I am sitting at Progress Coffee editing photos from a wedding I shot in October. For a few hours, my friends Glen and Leslie were here. They actually kind of talked me into becoming a wedding photographer. I will consider giving it some serious thought. The options are seeming a lot more in my favor. Anyway, I overheard a model talking about her modeling and styling experience. She said that she moved to Austin on a whim, and it made me think for a second about how Austin just does that for people.

I have met more people in this town who moved here for no concrete reason. Often, I am met with the response, "Oh, it just seemed like a cool place so I packed up and moved here!" when I ask them why Austin. I loved that question before I moved - Why Austin? My reply was always, "Why not?!"

So, in Austin, we have so many attractions that seem really "out there." I'm talking about the statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn, our various full body themed tattoo persons (my personal favorite is Katzen the Tiger Lady), many music festivals (the music scene in general) and other festivals such as Eeyore's birthday and Marley Fest (both are more or less for the celebration of all things cannabis), the bat bridge that houses the largest urban population of Mexican bats, and 6th Street - the home of bars galore, complete with frat boys and sorority girls PDA-ing left and right. It's great! Those are just a few examples of what makes Austin what it is. It's an increasingly environmentally-friendly place to live, anyone could live here peacefully (except for maybe George W. Bush), and all things go here, as long as it isn't harmful. I feel like it's a fun, groovy, musical, artsy, free place to live. I identify with Austin very much.

In addition to all of this goodness, I would like to say that on many occasions, Gina and I have seen/heard/experienced something where we just kind of laugh, look at each other, and say, "Did that just happen?!" Then we say, "Only in Austin!" It's pretty wonderful! I saw a man dressed like Batman walking down a somewhat not prominent street in the middle of the day. Actually, it was raining a little bit, which made it extra exciting. After I first moved here, I saw a lady throwing huge flower petals on the highway in front of a plant store. She had the biggest smile on her face and I couldn't help but return the expression. There have been so many more instances where I just laughed and carried the memory with me, being grateful that I live in a really funny city where the people don't always take themselves so seriously. (Including the lady who has duck taped her tailgate to read "Don't move here!" Good times.)

Oh, and have I mentioned that the food is pretty good? It is. Trust me.

All of that to say, I encourage you to visit me! Come now, come later - just get your ass over to Austin so you can see for yourself why it's a super awesome place to be.

.:My heart just asks for you most everyday:.

I started writing a post about Nathan and friends, but after wasting a few hours on Facebook, I erased all of it.

Let's just say that I'm really glad that I am alive. I still miss Nate, but I'm glad to have the people who are still breathing/have a pulse. They take care of me. I couldn't ask for better people.

24 is going to be great. 23 was probably the best so far, but I have a feeling that 24 is going to top that.

Stick around and see with me, k? Thanx.

.:Moods don't come out at you if you don't know what you're going through:.

So much is happening for me right now. So many things are changing, and most of which is for the better. I feel like I am seeing everything work together harmoniously for the first time.

I can't help but stop and be genuinely eternally grateful.

.:I'm not looking for the rest of your life I just want another chance to live:.

Watching the rain water hit the ground outside is one of my life's simple pleasures. That's a "hot tea" kind of moment, where you take in the slow pace, allow yourself to be observant and contemplative, and breathe gently with the earth, even with gratitude and humility.

The last few weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind for me as I was getting ready for my first ever fashion show that went really well, even according to my standards and my fallen expectations, and now tomorrow morning I will be setting off to be there for my brother as he takes his beautiful, patient, fun-loving bride. I will most likely look back on this month as one of the most emotional ones I've ever experienced, and I mean that positively. It certainly characterizes how life changes and how I really can grow up without a fight.

I cannot help but miss the rainy days in Europe on a day like today. In Thailand, the rain is one of the most amazing things because it feels so much cooler after it rains and the people seem nicer and happier than before. But for some reason, even though that is true and the symbolism of how this type of precipitation can have such a powerful effect on people's lives, I still think of the rain in Europe. There's just something about the way it falls, where it falls, that I couldn't get enough of it.

Gina and I went to a tea house called Koriente one rainy afternoon. We sat by the window and I wrote a little bit. I particularly enjoyed watching the cars drive by, seeing the rain drops on the window run to catch each other on the way down, and I really loved the light of the day outside where it was overcast but still very bright and yellow. I saw a snail outside and I was sure that someone would murder it if I didn't go rescue it. It had a beautiful shell when I saw it up close, and I was happy to save it, even if it was bound for the sidewalk immediately afterward. I love how rain brings out the worms and the snails to play with. Maybe my inner 5 year old will always be attracted to the rain simply for that reason.

.:May you. . . give all your heart and still have too much:.

This week, I got a nosebleed. Here's how it happened.

My brother is soon to be married - we know this already. What we may or may not know from this knowledge is the fact that my family is kind of being crazy about it (read: previous post on wedding insanity for some reference). As of right this moment, things have calmed down, and for that, I could not be happier. Perhaps the reason why I got to hear about everything is the simple fact that I am so far removed from everyone in terms of proximity and I'm the only single person in my family. (This realization did not happen just now, but the impact of it is a little bigger than I expected just now.)

[Let me note this: I love to be there for people. I love to help people figure out their issues when they come to me provided it isn't completely ridiculous and/or something I cannot really do anything about. I am especially this accepting and helpful when it comes to those who have the reigns on my heart, such as family and close friends and random strangers on occasion (see: homeless people, random hippie couch-surfers).]

For a while, I was being inundated with calls from my family about wedding drama that mostly had nothing to do with me. I heard about it from a few family members and it was really ridiculous and overwhelming for me, more so than I realized. I'm glad that they love me and we could vent, but why all of this nonsense over ONE DAY?! Anyway, about this same time, I've been stressing a bit over what to do about the fashion show I plan to have very soon, money (rather, lack thereof), and assisting my friends here the best way I can with encouragement, shelter, transportation, office supplies, moral support, etc. I was also hosting a discussion group meeting at my house that night, so I was trying to get the place ready and figure out what to cook for a potluck from my very tiny amount of food. I was ok with everything, and handling all of it very, very (uncharacteristically) calmly.

There I was, after a long day of doing the best I can for everyone (and happily so, this is not a complaint), sewing in my studio room with my dear friend Heather on the computer at my side. I was trying really hard to make the new dress top for the wedding dress I'm making, and the fit was the part I was the most concerned with. It was coming down to the wire and I was having trouble figuring out how to finish it around the armhole. Then, out of nowhere, my nose starts bleeding. I think my world came to a crash for a second as I thought it may get on the muslin and I started freaking out. Thankfully, Heather knew what to do, came to my rescue with her advice, and ordered me to lie on the ground for a stress massage to the face/head (totally worth the nosebleed, by the way).

I think this moment changed my life. I wish I were kidding. Since that moment, my stress level has been at a very low. My new motto is: Life is too short for nosebleeds. It's true. I guess I associate nosebleeds with brain trauma, but it is something to think about. I never, ever get them, and when I hear about them, it is because something is seriously wrong with the brain due to some sort of force. Granted, I know this isn't a serious condition for me, but at the same time, it is completely unnecessary nonetheless. I bottled up all of my stress by trying to not flip my lid about all of the demands that life was temporarily putting on me over a handful of days/weeks and it came out of my brain through my nose and thankfully not on to a mock-up garment. All of this to say, I'm glad it's over and I have learned that saying No is more important sometimes than your body responding in such a way that could temporarily put a halt to your career. That's just silly.

.:Irene, goodnight:.

My brother Reid, the one who is getting married in September, called me last night while I was out at a coffee shop with Gina and some others. He kept calling and texting, so I had to step out to talk to him. I'm very glad that I did. Within the first 5 minutes, I had a river leaping from my eyes.

He called because he wanted me to help him write a song for his wedding. Just the thought of it was enough to drive me to tears, but then he went on about how it's about how he misses her when she's gone so much that he sleeps on her pillow because it smells like her. I'm tearing up just writing about it. My brother doesn't express these kinds of things, and it doesn't matter that he had been drinking when he called (it probably took the edge off so he could call me and talk about it - he's just not that way), so it was touching to hear him say such sweet, real things about the woman he's about to spend the rest of his life with. I'm more than happy that he has this person because they deserve each other. They are so in love. It's so beautiful.

I talked to him for a little bit and semi-secretly bawled my eyes out while people kept passing by the door where I was standing. When I was hanging up, he said, "Well, call me tomorrow. I need you. Well, I always need you, but I feel like in this moment, I really need you." Cue the waterworks again! We've always been a close family, but Reid and I had a rough part for a few years. We got closer when he moved to Athens and I would occasionally come visit. We've been really close ever since, and it's been close to 8 years. He was my best friend for a while, even though I know it was difficult for him, but he was still there. Now he wants me to help him write a song for his wedding day and I'm losing it already. He said he needs me. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before on the phone, where I could hear it and hear the emotion that goes along with it. It wasn't like he was crying, but the way he said it. . . I just want to be there for everything.

During my Junior year of college, I was going through the hardest time because things just weren't going my way (Nathan died that year, I lost some friends for a little bit, some past occurrences were resurfacing, etc.). I felt like my family was the only thing that was keeping me from coming completely unglued. I got a Christmas card from Reid that I've kept because it said that he knows things haven't been going my way the past few months, but that I should stay in there because I'm very much apart of our family and that I have everyone behind me. I never would have expected that from him, but he reveals that side of him when I least expect it and most need it.

Family: It blows my mind. It kindles my heart.