I started writing a post about Nathan and friends, but after wasting a few hours on Facebook, I erased all of it.
Let's just say that I'm really glad that I am alive. I still miss Nate, but I'm glad to have the people who are still breathing/have a pulse. They take care of me. I couldn't ask for better people.
24 is going to be great. 23 was probably the best so far, but I have a feeling that 24 is going to top that.
Stick around and see with me, k? Thanx.
Showing posts with label nathan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nathan. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
.:No one can ever find you:.
Warning: Kind of an emo post. Beware.
This week has been amazing for so many reasons, one I will not list so as not to jinx my life, but much of it was seeing all of the incredible artists and musicians put themselves out here for SXSW. It has been so inspiring to me, and last night, I was so moved to write. I haven't written in years - years - and I've been wanting to write a lot lately, but never had the inspiration. I wrote about Nathan.
So, here's what I came up with. It didn't make me cry on the outside.
(Try reading it while listening to the 2nd track on Ray LaMontagne's "Til the Sun Turns Black")
The day, it was quiet
except for the hum of the engine
No doubt there was a lot on your mind
but I fear you didn't say it for some reason
Over and over the dunes and whatever below
Somewhere you had been for far too long
Somewhere you still did not know
The faces you see in every turn
on the streets
in houses
Each glance leaves a burn
in your heart
for theirs
For you were there for them
just as much as me
and all of us here
And it was not them
who took you
Or who broke you
It took a few days for me to feel your fire blaze out
In fact, I still do not believe in what I read
Or what I saw
Or how your mother cried
Or how your brother held me
Or the tattoos of "Esse Quam Videri"
Or the fact I will never see you or hear you
again
This week has been amazing for so many reasons, one I will not list so as not to jinx my life, but much of it was seeing all of the incredible artists and musicians put themselves out here for SXSW. It has been so inspiring to me, and last night, I was so moved to write. I haven't written in years - years - and I've been wanting to write a lot lately, but never had the inspiration. I wrote about Nathan.
So, here's what I came up with. It didn't make me cry on the outside.
(Try reading it while listening to the 2nd track on Ray LaMontagne's "Til the Sun Turns Black")
The day, it was quiet
except for the hum of the engine
No doubt there was a lot on your mind
but I fear you didn't say it for some reason
Over and over the dunes and whatever below
Somewhere you had been for far too long
Somewhere you still did not know
The faces you see in every turn
on the streets
in houses
Each glance leaves a burn
in your heart
for theirs
For you were there for them
just as much as me
and all of us here
And it was not them
who took you
Or who broke you
It took a few days for me to feel your fire blaze out
In fact, I still do not believe in what I read
Or what I saw
Or how your mother cried
Or how your brother held me
Or the tattoos of "Esse Quam Videri"
Or the fact I will never see you or hear you
again
Monday, December 22, 2008
.:I don't wanna be an old man anymore:.
Dad was watching "Exodus" when Kelsey and I got home from Savannah tonight. It's about how Israel came about, and how the Jews and British were fighting around 1948. It's an interesting look at how terrorism got started, actually, but what I was more interested in was the ending. The ending centered around an informal funeral service for 2 people who were killed in the fight, the main character and a supporting character. The man giving the "sermon" said in his message that he hopes that those in the earth can share a peace that hopefully those who live on the earth can have one day. His speech was filled with sadness that fighting could cause so much pain in certain people's quest for peace that is must spare lives, including innocent ones.
I had this same speech in my head today as I decorated the memorial tree for Nathan. Kelsey went with me, and I am so glad and grateful that she did. We talked about him a lot as we drove to Ft. Stewart, reminiscing the past and all of our shared memories of him. I drove my mom's van over there and registered at the checkpoint on the base. The man issuing the registration told us where to go for the memorial trees. He asked, "Is there a lighting tonight?" And I said, "No, my friend has a tree there." He paused for a moment and said, "I'm sorry," but showed emotion for only a second. I'm sure it's difficult for him to think about it. He has to live with it every day, I'm sure, but for that moment, I appreciated his sympathy.
We made our way to the field where they had the trees and it brought me back to when he came back from his first tour of duty. I remembered going there to see him, with my cookies in tow that Mom bought to replace the ones that she ruined while he was deployed (long story). I was nervous. I was young. I was crazy about him. I was there, at this place, where Kelsey and I walked side by side, her arm over my shoulders and mine around her waist. My heart was pounding a little bit because I wasn't sure whether to turn around and pretend it never happened or to keep going. It was getting darker, so we knew we should find the tree quickly, but it wasn't numbered as I had imagined. I was glad for that, actually. Kelsey took one row and I took the other, and we read the names to find his tree. In a few minutes, I heard, "It's over here." I went slowly, studied the faded flowers from baskets placed there what seemed like months ago, and tried to look for signs that someone else had remembered him this holiday. It didn't appear so, and that made me glad that I was there.
I stood there in disbelief. It seemed so cold, so unlike him. I cried at the thought of him being represented by this tree, at the thought of him not being remembered as I thought he should have, but mainly at the thought that I should not have been there in the first place. Sweet Kelsey came over and hugged me. We had a moment, and then began to dress the branches in the long strand of lei's I put together, the tiny, glittery Christmas ornaments, and beachy air fresheners I bought to resemble larger, beachy-Christmas ornaments. We were proud of our work. I was proud of my friend. I was grateful to have the opportunity to remember him, even though I would rather have him alive.
Cherish the ones you truly love with every moment you get.
I hope your Christmas is bright and filled with warmth and love and peace.
I had this same speech in my head today as I decorated the memorial tree for Nathan. Kelsey went with me, and I am so glad and grateful that she did. We talked about him a lot as we drove to Ft. Stewart, reminiscing the past and all of our shared memories of him. I drove my mom's van over there and registered at the checkpoint on the base. The man issuing the registration told us where to go for the memorial trees. He asked, "Is there a lighting tonight?" And I said, "No, my friend has a tree there." He paused for a moment and said, "I'm sorry," but showed emotion for only a second. I'm sure it's difficult for him to think about it. He has to live with it every day, I'm sure, but for that moment, I appreciated his sympathy.
We made our way to the field where they had the trees and it brought me back to when he came back from his first tour of duty. I remembered going there to see him, with my cookies in tow that Mom bought to replace the ones that she ruined while he was deployed (long story). I was nervous. I was young. I was crazy about him. I was there, at this place, where Kelsey and I walked side by side, her arm over my shoulders and mine around her waist. My heart was pounding a little bit because I wasn't sure whether to turn around and pretend it never happened or to keep going. It was getting darker, so we knew we should find the tree quickly, but it wasn't numbered as I had imagined. I was glad for that, actually. Kelsey took one row and I took the other, and we read the names to find his tree. In a few minutes, I heard, "It's over here." I went slowly, studied the faded flowers from baskets placed there what seemed like months ago, and tried to look for signs that someone else had remembered him this holiday. It didn't appear so, and that made me glad that I was there.
I stood there in disbelief. It seemed so cold, so unlike him. I cried at the thought of him being represented by this tree, at the thought of him not being remembered as I thought he should have, but mainly at the thought that I should not have been there in the first place. Sweet Kelsey came over and hugged me. We had a moment, and then began to dress the branches in the long strand of lei's I put together, the tiny, glittery Christmas ornaments, and beachy air fresheners I bought to resemble larger, beachy-Christmas ornaments. We were proud of our work. I was proud of my friend. I was grateful to have the opportunity to remember him, even though I would rather have him alive.
Cherish the ones you truly love with every moment you get.
I hope your Christmas is bright and filled with warmth and love and peace.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
.:The funny thing about money for sex - you might get rich but you die by it:.
SavannahRed is getting political.
Ok, I'll explain why I voted for Obama. I don't talk about politics very much, even when entered into a conversation about it (Gina can attest to that), but I'm ready to explain a little bit as to why I chose him. I won't cover all of his issues because I don't know all of them, honestly, but these are important to me and his choices fit. These are in no particular order.
1) Abortion. I'm pro-choice because I feel like a woman should have the choice to make the very painful decision (most of the time, it is the most painful decision they have ever made and they live with that for the rest of their lives) of whether or not to keep her fetus. I feel that it is a person's right to do what he or she wants to do to his or her body, and I feel that one person's religious views should not have an effect on another's decisions, especially if their religion (or lack thereof) is different than the other's. (Really, though, what happened to separation of church and state? Can we add "church and vagina" in there, too? Yeah. I just said the v-word.)
2) Gay Marriage. Although he isn't a supporter of gay marriage, he does support civil unions. I would prefer the former, but he has stated that he would leave it up to individual states to decide for themselves, and I feel like that's at least fair enough on his part since he doesn't completely support it anyway. He's at least letting them have a chance, in my opinion. I hope that one day, they will be able to have that freedom because, really, what does this even matter to straight people? Do they feel threatened by gay people getting married? Do they not know which side to sit on when they attend the service? What is it?! I've never understood this. I guess it could be a religious issue (and most likely is for the majority), but I think that discrimination needs to change, regardless of what could be distorted from the Bible. Yep. I said that, too.
3) Equality. This man wants us to be united again, to stand and gather together like we're brothers and sisters, to allow each other to live freely and openly, and to treat each other with respect. It's like he's our dad or something, trying to teach us how to grow up and stop hitting each other, but work together, end violence, be a peaceful group of people, and help each other. He wants us to be a community, not just a country. I ache to see this place in harmony, and I feel that he shares in that sentiment.
4) Gun control. This has always been an issue for me, and I agree that we need tighter gun control. Maybe Bobby Mallin would be alive if this had been in place about 2 years ago. It's obvious that he cares more about potentially saving lives than killing animals for fun.
5) War. All I'm going to say about this is that I woke up one morning during this campaign season and said that I will do whatever I can to prevent anyone - parents, siblings, relatives, friends, acquaintences, perfect strangers - from having to go through what I have been through since losing Nathan. No one should ever have to bear that pain, and I know his family has felt it even more so, and although they are strong supporters for McCain, I am still voting for Obama for them, too.
So, that's it in a nutshell.
Ok, I'll explain why I voted for Obama. I don't talk about politics very much, even when entered into a conversation about it (Gina can attest to that), but I'm ready to explain a little bit as to why I chose him. I won't cover all of his issues because I don't know all of them, honestly, but these are important to me and his choices fit. These are in no particular order.
1) Abortion. I'm pro-choice because I feel like a woman should have the choice to make the very painful decision (most of the time, it is the most painful decision they have ever made and they live with that for the rest of their lives) of whether or not to keep her fetus. I feel that it is a person's right to do what he or she wants to do to his or her body, and I feel that one person's religious views should not have an effect on another's decisions, especially if their religion (or lack thereof) is different than the other's. (Really, though, what happened to separation of church and state? Can we add "church and vagina" in there, too? Yeah. I just said the v-word.)
2) Gay Marriage. Although he isn't a supporter of gay marriage, he does support civil unions. I would prefer the former, but he has stated that he would leave it up to individual states to decide for themselves, and I feel like that's at least fair enough on his part since he doesn't completely support it anyway. He's at least letting them have a chance, in my opinion. I hope that one day, they will be able to have that freedom because, really, what does this even matter to straight people? Do they feel threatened by gay people getting married? Do they not know which side to sit on when they attend the service? What is it?! I've never understood this. I guess it could be a religious issue (and most likely is for the majority), but I think that discrimination needs to change, regardless of what could be distorted from the Bible. Yep. I said that, too.
3) Equality. This man wants us to be united again, to stand and gather together like we're brothers and sisters, to allow each other to live freely and openly, and to treat each other with respect. It's like he's our dad or something, trying to teach us how to grow up and stop hitting each other, but work together, end violence, be a peaceful group of people, and help each other. He wants us to be a community, not just a country. I ache to see this place in harmony, and I feel that he shares in that sentiment.
4) Gun control. This has always been an issue for me, and I agree that we need tighter gun control. Maybe Bobby Mallin would be alive if this had been in place about 2 years ago. It's obvious that he cares more about potentially saving lives than killing animals for fun.
5) War. All I'm going to say about this is that I woke up one morning during this campaign season and said that I will do whatever I can to prevent anyone - parents, siblings, relatives, friends, acquaintences, perfect strangers - from having to go through what I have been through since losing Nathan. No one should ever have to bear that pain, and I know his family has felt it even more so, and although they are strong supporters for McCain, I am still voting for Obama for them, too.
So, that's it in a nutshell.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
.:And I turned home without so much as a look:.
Even though I went to Europe, I still feel some sort of unrest, and I think I will need to go on a trip alone somewhere. Don't get me wrong, the European vacation was incredible, but I believe what I may need internally is a voyage where I do nothing but discover things and meet new people and write.
I'm talking to Kelsey online right now and we're looking back to the time when we met each other. This time was definitely centered around partying in Savannah and meeting many men, 2 men in particular. She said something just now that rattled me a little. "We were invincible." My reply - "Everyone was." What I meant was "Everyone was - especially Nate."
I never knew invincibility as a fleeting quality.
I'm talking to Kelsey online right now and we're looking back to the time when we met each other. This time was definitely centered around partying in Savannah and meeting many men, 2 men in particular. She said something just now that rattled me a little. "We were invincible." My reply - "Everyone was." What I meant was "Everyone was - especially Nate."
I never knew invincibility as a fleeting quality.
Friday, September 19, 2008
.:I went walkin' down the street, yeah, and who did I meet?:.
It's Saturday morning. I woke up earlier than I had ever planned to, but that's alright. I've got a lot of things I need to do today.
My kitchen is tiny, my sink is almost microscopic, but I absolutely adore being in here. This particular attachment could be due to the fact that I transformed this mecca of goodness from a dirty, nauseating hole of clashing purples. Let it not go unsaid that I definitely had some help from my wonderful friends. However, the majority of my labors went into this kitchen and I have this longing to take it with me wherever I go.
Why is it that we hold on to the things that we make or put the most effort into? We find it difficult to let go of things or people or places that take up our time and sweat, but do we ever consider that of others on the same plane? I'm afraid not, which is why I believe the artist world is such a struggle.
In less than a week, I will be in Zurich, Switzerland. Yes, I will be eating Swiss chocolate (are you kidding me?!). Yes, I will be meeting someone I've been friends with for half my life and never met him (I'll explain that one one day). And yes, I will find parts of life that I've never encountered, or at least, I hope to. There is a great, big, huge world of nothing but possibilities and endless dreams for me, and everything within me trembles with excitement and nervousness. I say nervousness because I was someone who was somewhat afraid to delve into what she was interested in for a very long. It truly took Nathan's passing to bring me out of this strange shell I allowed myself to be in. I'm not grateful for his death, but some good things have come of it. I won't say I'm a completely different person than before because it is still me. I'm just more of who I truly am because of it. I miss him every single day. Let that be noted as well.
Oh, world. What am I going to do with you today? I'll be cleaning and organizing a bit so when I come back, I can be a designer and not just a barista. However, I made a vow to myself to enjoy what I do as much as I possibly can and see the brighter side of rude customers who see me as a dehumanized corporate coffee chain attendant. After all, it could be much worse. Hmm. . .
My kitchen is tiny, my sink is almost microscopic, but I absolutely adore being in here. This particular attachment could be due to the fact that I transformed this mecca of goodness from a dirty, nauseating hole of clashing purples. Let it not go unsaid that I definitely had some help from my wonderful friends. However, the majority of my labors went into this kitchen and I have this longing to take it with me wherever I go.
Why is it that we hold on to the things that we make or put the most effort into? We find it difficult to let go of things or people or places that take up our time and sweat, but do we ever consider that of others on the same plane? I'm afraid not, which is why I believe the artist world is such a struggle.
In less than a week, I will be in Zurich, Switzerland. Yes, I will be eating Swiss chocolate (are you kidding me?!). Yes, I will be meeting someone I've been friends with for half my life and never met him (I'll explain that one one day). And yes, I will find parts of life that I've never encountered, or at least, I hope to. There is a great, big, huge world of nothing but possibilities and endless dreams for me, and everything within me trembles with excitement and nervousness. I say nervousness because I was someone who was somewhat afraid to delve into what she was interested in for a very long. It truly took Nathan's passing to bring me out of this strange shell I allowed myself to be in. I'm not grateful for his death, but some good things have come of it. I won't say I'm a completely different person than before because it is still me. I'm just more of who I truly am because of it. I miss him every single day. Let that be noted as well.
Oh, world. What am I going to do with you today? I'll be cleaning and organizing a bit so when I come back, I can be a designer and not just a barista. However, I made a vow to myself to enjoy what I do as much as I possibly can and see the brighter side of rude customers who see me as a dehumanized corporate coffee chain attendant. After all, it could be much worse. Hmm. . .
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