.:Sleep out by the ocean down in California, Dream until your whole world's spinnin':.

Dear Love,

I'm really putting you on hold this time. I'm tired of looking for you. I have other things to concentrate on right now.

It's not that I hate you. That isn't it at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I just want you to find me this time.

Hopefully, this time you'll understand.

Always,

SavannahRed

.:Put out the fire in your head and lay with me tonight:.

There are so many things I will never understand about this life, and death is the main one. Everyone knows about how much it still hurts me that I lost one of my very best friends, the former love of my life, and that was over 3 years ago. Not a single day goes by that I don't have him in my head. To think that someone else has to go through something even worse than this is absolutely devastating, to lose a love so beautiful and true, to watch the man of her dreams wither away during his last months, days, hours, seconds. . . It kills me to think about it, and I cannot imagine how she must feel right now.

Jenice lived on my freshman hall and I loved how crazy and strange she was. She isn't a very good driver, but she's brilliant and kind and has a laugh like no other. Most people wouldn't see her as conventionally beautiful, but she has this incredible charm about her, one that is all her own. She met Jonathan, and although he was a little shorter than her (this girl is really freakin' tall), it didn't seem to matter. I remember seeing them PDA all over campus, and I know I made fun of them a few times, but I always thought it was beautiful how they found each other, appreciated each other, and weren't afraid to show people how much they were in love.

Jonathan passed away last night, and I'm sure the Earth stopped moving for a moment to mourn the passing of such a kind, gentle person and the love he had for this amazing, quirky lady. They were engaged not too long after he discovered he had Ewing's Sarcoma, a rare cancer, that was the cause of his unfortunate passing. I'm sure the doctors did all that they could do, and so did sweet Jenice. She informed everyone of his progress, his treatments, and his final days. She was there beside him every single step, and I know it has to have been the most painful thing she has ever gone through. And now, he is no longer with us. She is attempting to be happy for him because he is now with God. I hope there is a special Heaven for him, to be honest. In my opinion, people who suffer so much, yet are still so wonderful, deserve a place even better than we could possibly imagine. In his final pictures, he was smiling, but literally dying on the inside. It breaks my heart to even write that.

This weekend, I had tea lights spread throughout Space12 in honor of Jonathan and Jenice, but I feel that wasn't enough. This unfortunate situation, one that seems fictional, more like something in a movie or a book than in real life, I feel it deserves more commemoration, even from someone who barely knew Jonathan and hasn't been very close to Jenice for a few years.

Again, I will say what I have said over and over again. If you love someone, let them know and do not be afraid.

.:Here's a hand to lay on your open palm today:.

I want to go drowning with that person. I want that person to look at me with eyes filled with love and hope and the future and nothing else but wonderful things. I feel so alone and without. It's difficult to accurately describe this feeling, but I want to have my one big love. I can exist without it, but I will forever find myself wanting because I see what great people have between each other and I will desperately want that for myself, just as I do now and every day. My heart was created to be shared, and in that to be reciprocated and nurtured, but it's just sitting there, anticipating that great big love like a dirty, hungry, over-heated dog that simply wants to be allowed inside.

My issue is not that I have yet to move on. No, I am, for the most part (to put a number on it - 98%), done with my former significant other. I am, however, feeling this incredible weight of being unable to do romantically centered things with someone I feel completely comfortable with. This gives me the notion that I will die alone and sad, but I have hope, and that's what gets me through these tough days.

If you're in love, I hope you're taking it for all it is worth. Maybe I'll find mine one day, maybe I won't, but just know that you inspire me, regardless of what I may be lacking.