Something happened today that has been on my mind ever since. It forced me to realize just how selfish and horrible I am, and I've been thinking about the heart of my friend who helped me see this light all day long.
This morning at Vox, my realization began when my friend Hannah shared information about Haiti. I listened to the facts of the devastation as photos rolled behind her, and I started to think about how these people have lost so much and all I can think about during this time are my own issues. It's disgusting, really, to be so self-absorbed, which is largely what I've been since coming back from Georgia and making all of these lifestyle changes. But it didn't stop there.
Sweet Becky, my friend who was homeless but now lives in a trailer on the East side and sells flowers on the Drag, shared something that made me really upset for her and then upset at myself. She has been deeply connected with a pastor she calls "Brother Dwayne," who has a church on the East side and has done really wonderful things for the homeless community. Brother Dwayne has been on Becky's lips since the day I met her, so I know she really loves this man and all he has done for her and countless others in need. Becky announced that he died in a car wreck not very long ago, maybe last week, and although I never met him, I'm tearing up now just writing about it. I don't deal well with death, and most of those close to me know this, but especially when such incredibly loving individuals such as Brother Dwayne are taken away. It seems that the really great ones are taken before anyone can prepare for it. He also has 3 children with 1 on the way. My heart was crushed. Becky spoke a little bit about her own feelings, and that's when I realized I'm a really horrible human being.
Picture a woman who is about 60, pretty short, round, almost toothless, and wears an interesting array of clothing that is too big for her. She has long white hair and very pale skin with tiny, beady eyes. She is often mistaken as homeless although she is no longer, though she still struggles. This sweet woman told a room full of people that she wanted to do more for the homeless in Brother Dwayne's honor. Becky - a person who has barely anything to her name - wants to give more to other people. It's so beautiful that it makes me cry as I sit here comfortably on my leather couch, with air conditioning, listening to music on my iPhone that plays through a portable Bose speaker. I just want to rip my heart out and stomp on it for an hour.
I want a heart like Becky's - to give everything I have for other people because I truly want to. To have that desire, that ability to forget about yourself for the benefit of others, is something I hope I can achieve one day for my own life. Maybe one day I won't be so comfortable with all of my stuff surrounding me but instead make a difference out of humility.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
.:They call it Stormy Monday, but Tuesday's just as bad:.
WOW! I have a story today that is pretty much awesome!
Since I'm changing all of these things in my life, I decided I would check out TC's Lounge on the East side Monday night because I heard from some friends there was a really good blues band that plays there every Monday. I took my friend Jenny and I thought I would give it a shot to see if the band would let me sing "Stormy Monday" with them. As it turns out, I knew the guitarist from when I worked with him over 2 years ago, so that was exciting. I spoke to him about singing and he informed me that I should ask the drummer, but that he would most likely say no. I also talked to him about playing the song. He said they would play it for a certain singer who would occasionally drop by, so I thought maybe my odds were better. I spoke to the drummer man and he shot me down! He was nice about it. I asked if they could play that song and, yes, he lied to me and said they didn't. He was nice about the whole thing, but I couldn't help but feel like I had been played.
So that brings me to yesterday... My friend Courtney and I decided to go to Austin Java for lunch. You are supposed to park in the parking lot and either walk to the restaurant or take the free shuttle. We took the shuttle, and the driver guy was really cool. I decided he would be my friend the moment we got in the van. We started talking about blues music and I tell him how un-bluesy the band at TC's was to me the night before [Note: Even though they are a good blues band, that was so un-blues what they did.]. He said, "You're a blues singer? Let's hear it!" and he turns off the cd player (Stevie Ray!!!). I hesitated, laughed because I thought he was joking for a second, and then just started belting it out, right there in the van. He really liked it! He got my phone number for when he does a collaborative blues album (he's a blues singer/guitarist) and he told me about the Open Mic Night at Ruta Maya on Tuesdays. I immediately decided I would go, and Courtney said she would be there, too.
The way the Ruta Maya Open Mic Night works is that all the artists get there at 8:30 and put their names on a small piece of paper for a lottery. If someone played last week, they weren't allowed to play this week. There were a bunch of people up there, so I wasn't sure what was going to happen as they only had 16 slots. My heart was pounding the entire time! This guy Nikolai was going crazy over my eyes while we were all meeting, which I found hilarious. He kept shouting things like, "Ooooh, those are the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen!" and "They look like Heaven!" If you could hear this guy's voice, you would undoubtedly be laughing, too. I wish I could describe it. This guy was a character - and there's more to say about him later. I digress. The guy pulls out all of the names but 2 and the 16 slots were already filled. Then, he says, "SavannahRed?" I told him it was me. He said, "Ok, you're on!" WHOA! Talk about nervous. My heart briefly went to live with my stomach. It was a really great feeling just to know I was getting a guaranteed chance, even though I didn't know what time it would happen. Their system is quite interesting, but it worked, for the most part.
I had only been to one other open mic night in Austin, so I didn't know what to expect at Ruta Maya. There were some decent acts, some not as decent acts, and then some really great ones that I should have followed up on. A guy I met on the balcony sat with us the whole time, and he is a really sweet guy named Joe. I could tell Joe had been on the scene for a while. Everybody seemed to know him, even from way back, and he had a really chill vibe going on the whole night, even though he was tired and needed to get up early. We would talk between sets about the music scene or the artist, and I really liked hanging out with Joe. He knew Nikolai, too, and he told us that he would definitely put on a show.
Enter Nikolai on the stage. It takes him what seems like forever to get the house band set up, but it was worth it. This guy must be close to 60. He's pretty tall, has a big nose [read: schnoz], and a gray bowl cut. He was wearing a really long, white trench coat-looking thing over a white blazer over a red pleather vest and red pleather pants. I shit you not! Joe said, "Oh, this is going to be loud!" And he was not kidding. It. was. RIDICULOUS! This guy had the house band playing some kind of metal something and he was singing/screaming "FLY!" as he mainly knelt on the stage while the mic was in his hand. He tried to spin around and fell on the stage, then did a hand stand while singing. It was amazing! He kept trying to climb on the speakers and fell off a few times. He did backflips in front of the audience and did a backflip off a table where some people were sitting. It was nuts! I don't think anyone could turn their attention away from this crazy man on stage, and he was on there for a reaaaaally long time. It was pretty intense.
So, the night progressed and I got hit on literally 7 times throughout the night. I started laughing about it really hard at one point because it seemed so unbelievable. I mean, getting hit on at Ruta Maya? I never would have guessed that in a thousand years. Joe said, "You look good! That shouldn't be such a surprise!" Thank you, Joe! But seriously... hippies hit on me. Strange. (Favorite one of the night: "Hey, what's your name?" "Anslee" "Do you come here often?" "I come for yoga sometimes." "Oh, well you should come to the poetry open mic night! Do you write?" "Yeah, I do write, but I'm actually here for the music open mic." "I was about to leave, but if you're singing, I'm sticking around." Hiiilarious!)
Finally, they call my name, and I'm after 2 other people. The first person goes and the second is MIA, so then it was time for me! I tell the house band what to do, make a few jokes into the mic, and then we're set. I was so nervous that I felt like my legs wouldn't stop shaking and my feet couldn't really feel the stage below me. But singing on that stage felt so natural. I wasn't worried about whether or not I would start coughing or lose my voice or hit the wrong note. I was just up there. I felt so free. I felt so beautiful. I felt like I was the most important person in the world at that moment because people were there, listening to me, listening to my talent that I've hidden for a little while. It felt like home, despite my nerves. Courtney and another person I met recently, Cherie, were taking pictures of me and cheering me on at the base of the stage. It just felt so magical and real at the same time. I wish every moment of my life could be like that, and it's a lot like that when I sing because I just love it so much! And especially when I sing "Stormy Monday" because I feel like I own that song, I know it so well and I've made it my own. I felt complete on that stage.
Afterwards, I got so many compliments from everyone, especially Courtney and Heather, and I felt so supported and so loved that I couldn't help but beam the rest of the night. Joe was playing soon, so I stuck around to hear him, and he is phenomenal! We talked after he played about collaborating, and we both agreed that it seemed like something we should do because we truly enjoyed each other's talent. So, here's Joe and me!
I love where life is taking me right now. It's digging up my roots, and in a really great way. I wanted to call my parents after I sang but it was about 1 am, so I knew they wouldn't like it, even if it was good news. I am hopeful about this new/old venture for me. It's new because I put what I've done my entire life on hold until now. It's ok, though. I pursued other things that are working for me, too, but it's definitely the right time for me to get my knees deep in the music that rocks me to my core - the blues, jazz, anything. This feels so right. I am so fortunate. I hope it never, ever stops.
Since I'm changing all of these things in my life, I decided I would check out TC's Lounge on the East side Monday night because I heard from some friends there was a really good blues band that plays there every Monday. I took my friend Jenny and I thought I would give it a shot to see if the band would let me sing "Stormy Monday" with them. As it turns out, I knew the guitarist from when I worked with him over 2 years ago, so that was exciting. I spoke to him about singing and he informed me that I should ask the drummer, but that he would most likely say no. I also talked to him about playing the song. He said they would play it for a certain singer who would occasionally drop by, so I thought maybe my odds were better. I spoke to the drummer man and he shot me down! He was nice about it. I asked if they could play that song and, yes, he lied to me and said they didn't. He was nice about the whole thing, but I couldn't help but feel like I had been played.
So that brings me to yesterday... My friend Courtney and I decided to go to Austin Java for lunch. You are supposed to park in the parking lot and either walk to the restaurant or take the free shuttle. We took the shuttle, and the driver guy was really cool. I decided he would be my friend the moment we got in the van. We started talking about blues music and I tell him how un-bluesy the band at TC's was to me the night before [Note: Even though they are a good blues band, that was so un-blues what they did.]. He said, "You're a blues singer? Let's hear it!" and he turns off the cd player (Stevie Ray!!!). I hesitated, laughed because I thought he was joking for a second, and then just started belting it out, right there in the van. He really liked it! He got my phone number for when he does a collaborative blues album (he's a blues singer/guitarist) and he told me about the Open Mic Night at Ruta Maya on Tuesdays. I immediately decided I would go, and Courtney said she would be there, too.
The way the Ruta Maya Open Mic Night works is that all the artists get there at 8:30 and put their names on a small piece of paper for a lottery. If someone played last week, they weren't allowed to play this week. There were a bunch of people up there, so I wasn't sure what was going to happen as they only had 16 slots. My heart was pounding the entire time! This guy Nikolai was going crazy over my eyes while we were all meeting, which I found hilarious. He kept shouting things like, "Ooooh, those are the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen!" and "They look like Heaven!" If you could hear this guy's voice, you would undoubtedly be laughing, too. I wish I could describe it. This guy was a character - and there's more to say about him later. I digress. The guy pulls out all of the names but 2 and the 16 slots were already filled. Then, he says, "SavannahRed?" I told him it was me. He said, "Ok, you're on!" WHOA! Talk about nervous. My heart briefly went to live with my stomach. It was a really great feeling just to know I was getting a guaranteed chance, even though I didn't know what time it would happen. Their system is quite interesting, but it worked, for the most part.
I had only been to one other open mic night in Austin, so I didn't know what to expect at Ruta Maya. There were some decent acts, some not as decent acts, and then some really great ones that I should have followed up on. A guy I met on the balcony sat with us the whole time, and he is a really sweet guy named Joe. I could tell Joe had been on the scene for a while. Everybody seemed to know him, even from way back, and he had a really chill vibe going on the whole night, even though he was tired and needed to get up early. We would talk between sets about the music scene or the artist, and I really liked hanging out with Joe. He knew Nikolai, too, and he told us that he would definitely put on a show.
Enter Nikolai on the stage. It takes him what seems like forever to get the house band set up, but it was worth it. This guy must be close to 60. He's pretty tall, has a big nose [read: schnoz], and a gray bowl cut. He was wearing a really long, white trench coat-looking thing over a white blazer over a red pleather vest and red pleather pants. I shit you not! Joe said, "Oh, this is going to be loud!" And he was not kidding. It. was. RIDICULOUS! This guy had the house band playing some kind of metal something and he was singing/screaming "FLY!" as he mainly knelt on the stage while the mic was in his hand. He tried to spin around and fell on the stage, then did a hand stand while singing. It was amazing! He kept trying to climb on the speakers and fell off a few times. He did backflips in front of the audience and did a backflip off a table where some people were sitting. It was nuts! I don't think anyone could turn their attention away from this crazy man on stage, and he was on there for a reaaaaally long time. It was pretty intense.
So, the night progressed and I got hit on literally 7 times throughout the night. I started laughing about it really hard at one point because it seemed so unbelievable. I mean, getting hit on at Ruta Maya? I never would have guessed that in a thousand years. Joe said, "You look good! That shouldn't be such a surprise!" Thank you, Joe! But seriously... hippies hit on me. Strange. (Favorite one of the night: "Hey, what's your name?" "Anslee" "Do you come here often?" "I come for yoga sometimes." "Oh, well you should come to the poetry open mic night! Do you write?" "Yeah, I do write, but I'm actually here for the music open mic." "I was about to leave, but if you're singing, I'm sticking around." Hiiilarious!)
Finally, they call my name, and I'm after 2 other people. The first person goes and the second is MIA, so then it was time for me! I tell the house band what to do, make a few jokes into the mic, and then we're set. I was so nervous that I felt like my legs wouldn't stop shaking and my feet couldn't really feel the stage below me. But singing on that stage felt so natural. I wasn't worried about whether or not I would start coughing or lose my voice or hit the wrong note. I was just up there. I felt so free. I felt so beautiful. I felt like I was the most important person in the world at that moment because people were there, listening to me, listening to my talent that I've hidden for a little while. It felt like home, despite my nerves. Courtney and another person I met recently, Cherie, were taking pictures of me and cheering me on at the base of the stage. It just felt so magical and real at the same time. I wish every moment of my life could be like that, and it's a lot like that when I sing because I just love it so much! And especially when I sing "Stormy Monday" because I feel like I own that song, I know it so well and I've made it my own. I felt complete on that stage.
Afterwards, I got so many compliments from everyone, especially Courtney and Heather, and I felt so supported and so loved that I couldn't help but beam the rest of the night. Joe was playing soon, so I stuck around to hear him, and he is phenomenal! We talked after he played about collaborating, and we both agreed that it seemed like something we should do because we truly enjoyed each other's talent. So, here's Joe and me!
I love where life is taking me right now. It's digging up my roots, and in a really great way. I wanted to call my parents after I sang but it was about 1 am, so I knew they wouldn't like it, even if it was good news. I am hopeful about this new/old venture for me. It's new because I put what I've done my entire life on hold until now. It's ok, though. I pursued other things that are working for me, too, but it's definitely the right time for me to get my knees deep in the music that rocks me to my core - the blues, jazz, anything. This feels so right. I am so fortunate. I hope it never, ever stops.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
.:Just give me some kind of sign, girl, oh my baby, show me that you're mine, girl, alright:.
I really don't mind that a lot of my life is public. My parents don't understand the whole blogging/Facebook thing, and I catch a lot of slack for it. As long as I don't divulge too much personal stuff, I think I'm pretty safe.
So, I had a crazy moment not too long ago. It's safe to say that Thanksgiving to mid-December was about the time I was very out of control. It's interesting how emotional situations combined with holiday festivities [Read: FOOD!] and the busy time that this time of year brings can just knock you off your rocker if you allow it to. I took the trip to my home in Georgia to straighten myself out, or "reprogram" myself, as my Aunt Kathie said. It is always good for me to surround myself with those who know and love me best. They remind me of where I came from, the dreams I once had and yearned to accomplish, and who I am in their eyes - which is held to some pretty high standards, but not ones I cannot meet or even exceed.
During a time where so many people are creating resolutions for the year ahead of them, I chose to make lifestyle changes that would carry on much past 365 days. I feel like I've been entrusted with this personality and this magnetism that somehow inspires people, and I don't know why, but I need to make it work the way it's supposed to and quit hiding behind things. I've been a mover and a shaker my entire life, and I've allowed myself to get caught up on some very small things, and for what? It just makes matters worse when I do. So, how about we stop? Fine. I gave up on that in order to work harder and be the best me.
I just want to give the world my best, and I believe it's ok to fall short of that, to allow myself to fall short of that, but there has to be a time where you pick yourself up and get your ass in gear. I'm ready. I'm ready for good things. I've always said, "Opportunities: take 'em or make 'em!" and I'm trying again, again again again, to live by that. It's easy to forget. It's easy to be lazy or unmotivated or uninterested, but that's not me. To feel "entrusted" with something like the ability to change the world with vintage-inspired clothing or to bring more sunshine into the world is like owning a key - you have this gift that allows things to happen or open up, and because you are the one who keeps this special thing, you should not allow yourself to lose it but rather use it at the time when it is needed. That may be weird, but it's what my heart understands at the moment to keep my head in the clouds but my feet on the ground.
Happy 2010! I learned so much in 2009, so I'm pretty excited about what this year is going to teach me and, perhaps, teach all of us.
So, I had a crazy moment not too long ago. It's safe to say that Thanksgiving to mid-December was about the time I was very out of control. It's interesting how emotional situations combined with holiday festivities [Read: FOOD!] and the busy time that this time of year brings can just knock you off your rocker if you allow it to. I took the trip to my home in Georgia to straighten myself out, or "reprogram" myself, as my Aunt Kathie said. It is always good for me to surround myself with those who know and love me best. They remind me of where I came from, the dreams I once had and yearned to accomplish, and who I am in their eyes - which is held to some pretty high standards, but not ones I cannot meet or even exceed.
During a time where so many people are creating resolutions for the year ahead of them, I chose to make lifestyle changes that would carry on much past 365 days. I feel like I've been entrusted with this personality and this magnetism that somehow inspires people, and I don't know why, but I need to make it work the way it's supposed to and quit hiding behind things. I've been a mover and a shaker my entire life, and I've allowed myself to get caught up on some very small things, and for what? It just makes matters worse when I do. So, how about we stop? Fine. I gave up on that in order to work harder and be the best me.
I just want to give the world my best, and I believe it's ok to fall short of that, to allow myself to fall short of that, but there has to be a time where you pick yourself up and get your ass in gear. I'm ready. I'm ready for good things. I've always said, "Opportunities: take 'em or make 'em!" and I'm trying again, again again again, to live by that. It's easy to forget. It's easy to be lazy or unmotivated or uninterested, but that's not me. To feel "entrusted" with something like the ability to change the world with vintage-inspired clothing or to bring more sunshine into the world is like owning a key - you have this gift that allows things to happen or open up, and because you are the one who keeps this special thing, you should not allow yourself to lose it but rather use it at the time when it is needed. That may be weird, but it's what my heart understands at the moment to keep my head in the clouds but my feet on the ground.
Happy 2010! I learned so much in 2009, so I'm pretty excited about what this year is going to teach me and, perhaps, teach all of us.
Monday, December 14, 2009
.:You make me feel like I am fun again:.
There have been a few things that have been on my soul lately, and I'm not sure what to think. Do I follow the rules? Do I listen to my heart? I really don't think there are any rules when it comes to matters of the heart.
"I don't believe that there's such a thing as saying too much." Patty Griffin
Me neither, Patty. At least I know that no matter what, I've got you.
"I don't believe that there's such a thing as saying too much." Patty Griffin
Me neither, Patty. At least I know that no matter what, I've got you.
Friday, December 11, 2009
.:Baby, I'm broke. Got to go out to the street and get it if I can:.
Austin, how I love thee! I am sitting at Progress Coffee editing photos from a wedding I shot in October. For a few hours, my friends Glen and Leslie were here. They actually kind of talked me into becoming a wedding photographer. I will consider giving it some serious thought. The options are seeming a lot more in my favor. Anyway, I overheard a model talking about her modeling and styling experience. She said that she moved to Austin on a whim, and it made me think for a second about how Austin just does that for people.
I have met more people in this town who moved here for no concrete reason. Often, I am met with the response, "Oh, it just seemed like a cool place so I packed up and moved here!" when I ask them why Austin. I loved that question before I moved - Why Austin? My reply was always, "Why not?!"
So, in Austin, we have so many attractions that seem really "out there." I'm talking about the statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn, our various full body themed tattoo persons (my personal favorite is Katzen the Tiger Lady), many music festivals (the music scene in general) and other festivals such as Eeyore's birthday and Marley Fest (both are more or less for the celebration of all things cannabis), the bat bridge that houses the largest urban population of Mexican bats, and 6th Street - the home of bars galore, complete with frat boys and sorority girls PDA-ing left and right. It's great! Those are just a few examples of what makes Austin what it is. It's an increasingly environmentally-friendly place to live, anyone could live here peacefully (except for maybe George W. Bush), and all things go here, as long as it isn't harmful. I feel like it's a fun, groovy, musical, artsy, free place to live. I identify with Austin very much.
In addition to all of this goodness, I would like to say that on many occasions, Gina and I have seen/heard/experienced something where we just kind of laugh, look at each other, and say, "Did that just happen?!" Then we say, "Only in Austin!" It's pretty wonderful! I saw a man dressed like Batman walking down a somewhat not prominent street in the middle of the day. Actually, it was raining a little bit, which made it extra exciting. After I first moved here, I saw a lady throwing huge flower petals on the highway in front of a plant store. She had the biggest smile on her face and I couldn't help but return the expression. There have been so many more instances where I just laughed and carried the memory with me, being grateful that I live in a really funny city where the people don't always take themselves so seriously. (Including the lady who has duck taped her tailgate to read "Don't move here!" Good times.)
Oh, and have I mentioned that the food is pretty good? It is. Trust me.
All of that to say, I encourage you to visit me! Come now, come later - just get your ass over to Austin so you can see for yourself why it's a super awesome place to be.
I have met more people in this town who moved here for no concrete reason. Often, I am met with the response, "Oh, it just seemed like a cool place so I packed up and moved here!" when I ask them why Austin. I loved that question before I moved - Why Austin? My reply was always, "Why not?!"
So, in Austin, we have so many attractions that seem really "out there." I'm talking about the statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn, our various full body themed tattoo persons (my personal favorite is Katzen the Tiger Lady), many music festivals (the music scene in general) and other festivals such as Eeyore's birthday and Marley Fest (both are more or less for the celebration of all things cannabis), the bat bridge that houses the largest urban population of Mexican bats, and 6th Street - the home of bars galore, complete with frat boys and sorority girls PDA-ing left and right. It's great! Those are just a few examples of what makes Austin what it is. It's an increasingly environmentally-friendly place to live, anyone could live here peacefully (except for maybe George W. Bush), and all things go here, as long as it isn't harmful. I feel like it's a fun, groovy, musical, artsy, free place to live. I identify with Austin very much.
In addition to all of this goodness, I would like to say that on many occasions, Gina and I have seen/heard/experienced something where we just kind of laugh, look at each other, and say, "Did that just happen?!" Then we say, "Only in Austin!" It's pretty wonderful! I saw a man dressed like Batman walking down a somewhat not prominent street in the middle of the day. Actually, it was raining a little bit, which made it extra exciting. After I first moved here, I saw a lady throwing huge flower petals on the highway in front of a plant store. She had the biggest smile on her face and I couldn't help but return the expression. There have been so many more instances where I just laughed and carried the memory with me, being grateful that I live in a really funny city where the people don't always take themselves so seriously. (Including the lady who has duck taped her tailgate to read "Don't move here!" Good times.)
Oh, and have I mentioned that the food is pretty good? It is. Trust me.
All of that to say, I encourage you to visit me! Come now, come later - just get your ass over to Austin so you can see for yourself why it's a super awesome place to be.
Monday, December 7, 2009
.:My heart just asks for you most everyday:.
I started writing a post about Nathan and friends, but after wasting a few hours on Facebook, I erased all of it.
Let's just say that I'm really glad that I am alive. I still miss Nate, but I'm glad to have the people who are still breathing/have a pulse. They take care of me. I couldn't ask for better people.
24 is going to be great. 23 was probably the best so far, but I have a feeling that 24 is going to top that.
Stick around and see with me, k? Thanx.
Let's just say that I'm really glad that I am alive. I still miss Nate, but I'm glad to have the people who are still breathing/have a pulse. They take care of me. I couldn't ask for better people.
24 is going to be great. 23 was probably the best so far, but I have a feeling that 24 is going to top that.
Stick around and see with me, k? Thanx.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
.:Moods don't come out at you if you don't know what you're going through:.
So much is happening for me right now. So many things are changing, and most of which is for the better. I feel like I am seeing everything work together harmoniously for the first time.
I can't help but stop and be genuinely eternally grateful.
I can't help but stop and be genuinely eternally grateful.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
.:I'm not looking for the rest of your life I just want another chance to live:.
Watching the rain water hit the ground outside is one of my life's simple pleasures. That's a "hot tea" kind of moment, where you take in the slow pace, allow yourself to be observant and contemplative, and breathe gently with the earth, even with gratitude and humility.
The last few weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind for me as I was getting ready for my first ever fashion show that went really well, even according to my standards and my fallen expectations, and now tomorrow morning I will be setting off to be there for my brother as he takes his beautiful, patient, fun-loving bride. I will most likely look back on this month as one of the most emotional ones I've ever experienced, and I mean that positively. It certainly characterizes how life changes and how I really can grow up without a fight.
I cannot help but miss the rainy days in Europe on a day like today. In Thailand, the rain is one of the most amazing things because it feels so much cooler after it rains and the people seem nicer and happier than before. But for some reason, even though that is true and the symbolism of how this type of precipitation can have such a powerful effect on people's lives, I still think of the rain in Europe. There's just something about the way it falls, where it falls, that I couldn't get enough of it.
Gina and I went to a tea house called Koriente one rainy afternoon. We sat by the window and I wrote a little bit. I particularly enjoyed watching the cars drive by, seeing the rain drops on the window run to catch each other on the way down, and I really loved the light of the day outside where it was overcast but still very bright and yellow. I saw a snail outside and I was sure that someone would murder it if I didn't go rescue it. It had a beautiful shell when I saw it up close, and I was happy to save it, even if it was bound for the sidewalk immediately afterward. I love how rain brings out the worms and the snails to play with. Maybe my inner 5 year old will always be attracted to the rain simply for that reason.
The last few weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind for me as I was getting ready for my first ever fashion show that went really well, even according to my standards and my fallen expectations, and now tomorrow morning I will be setting off to be there for my brother as he takes his beautiful, patient, fun-loving bride. I will most likely look back on this month as one of the most emotional ones I've ever experienced, and I mean that positively. It certainly characterizes how life changes and how I really can grow up without a fight.
I cannot help but miss the rainy days in Europe on a day like today. In Thailand, the rain is one of the most amazing things because it feels so much cooler after it rains and the people seem nicer and happier than before. But for some reason, even though that is true and the symbolism of how this type of precipitation can have such a powerful effect on people's lives, I still think of the rain in Europe. There's just something about the way it falls, where it falls, that I couldn't get enough of it.
Gina and I went to a tea house called Koriente one rainy afternoon. We sat by the window and I wrote a little bit. I particularly enjoyed watching the cars drive by, seeing the rain drops on the window run to catch each other on the way down, and I really loved the light of the day outside where it was overcast but still very bright and yellow. I saw a snail outside and I was sure that someone would murder it if I didn't go rescue it. It had a beautiful shell when I saw it up close, and I was happy to save it, even if it was bound for the sidewalk immediately afterward. I love how rain brings out the worms and the snails to play with. Maybe my inner 5 year old will always be attracted to the rain simply for that reason.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
.:May you. . . give all your heart and still have too much:.
This week, I got a nosebleed. Here's how it happened.
My brother is soon to be married - we know this already. What we may or may not know from this knowledge is the fact that my family is kind of being crazy about it (read: previous post on wedding insanity for some reference). As of right this moment, things have calmed down, and for that, I could not be happier. Perhaps the reason why I got to hear about everything is the simple fact that I am so far removed from everyone in terms of proximity and I'm the only single person in my family. (This realization did not happen just now, but the impact of it is a little bigger than I expected just now.)
[Let me note this: I love to be there for people. I love to help people figure out their issues when they come to me provided it isn't completely ridiculous and/or something I cannot really do anything about. I am especially this accepting and helpful when it comes to those who have the reigns on my heart, such as family and close friends and random strangers on occasion (see: homeless people, random hippie couch-surfers).]
For a while, I was being inundated with calls from my family about wedding drama that mostly had nothing to do with me. I heard about it from a few family members and it was really ridiculous and overwhelming for me, more so than I realized. I'm glad that they love me and we could vent, but why all of this nonsense over ONE DAY?! Anyway, about this same time, I've been stressing a bit over what to do about the fashion show I plan to have very soon, money (rather, lack thereof), and assisting my friends here the best way I can with encouragement, shelter, transportation, office supplies, moral support, etc. I was also hosting a discussion group meeting at my house that night, so I was trying to get the place ready and figure out what to cook for a potluck from my very tiny amount of food. I was ok with everything, and handling all of it very, very (uncharacteristically) calmly.
There I was, after a long day of doing the best I can for everyone (and happily so, this is not a complaint), sewing in my studio room with my dear friend Heather on the computer at my side. I was trying really hard to make the new dress top for the wedding dress I'm making, and the fit was the part I was the most concerned with. It was coming down to the wire and I was having trouble figuring out how to finish it around the armhole. Then, out of nowhere, my nose starts bleeding. I think my world came to a crash for a second as I thought it may get on the muslin and I started freaking out. Thankfully, Heather knew what to do, came to my rescue with her advice, and ordered me to lie on the ground for a stress massage to the face/head (totally worth the nosebleed, by the way).
I think this moment changed my life. I wish I were kidding. Since that moment, my stress level has been at a very low. My new motto is: Life is too short for nosebleeds. It's true. I guess I associate nosebleeds with brain trauma, but it is something to think about. I never, ever get them, and when I hear about them, it is because something is seriously wrong with the brain due to some sort of force. Granted, I know this isn't a serious condition for me, but at the same time, it is completely unnecessary nonetheless. I bottled up all of my stress by trying to not flip my lid about all of the demands that life was temporarily putting on me over a handful of days/weeks and it came out of my brain through my nose and thankfully not on to a mock-up garment. All of this to say, I'm glad it's over and I have learned that saying No is more important sometimes than your body responding in such a way that could temporarily put a halt to your career. That's just silly.
My brother is soon to be married - we know this already. What we may or may not know from this knowledge is the fact that my family is kind of being crazy about it (read: previous post on wedding insanity for some reference). As of right this moment, things have calmed down, and for that, I could not be happier. Perhaps the reason why I got to hear about everything is the simple fact that I am so far removed from everyone in terms of proximity and I'm the only single person in my family. (This realization did not happen just now, but the impact of it is a little bigger than I expected just now.)
[Let me note this: I love to be there for people. I love to help people figure out their issues when they come to me provided it isn't completely ridiculous and/or something I cannot really do anything about. I am especially this accepting and helpful when it comes to those who have the reigns on my heart, such as family and close friends and random strangers on occasion (see: homeless people, random hippie couch-surfers).]
For a while, I was being inundated with calls from my family about wedding drama that mostly had nothing to do with me. I heard about it from a few family members and it was really ridiculous and overwhelming for me, more so than I realized. I'm glad that they love me and we could vent, but why all of this nonsense over ONE DAY?! Anyway, about this same time, I've been stressing a bit over what to do about the fashion show I plan to have very soon, money (rather, lack thereof), and assisting my friends here the best way I can with encouragement, shelter, transportation, office supplies, moral support, etc. I was also hosting a discussion group meeting at my house that night, so I was trying to get the place ready and figure out what to cook for a potluck from my very tiny amount of food. I was ok with everything, and handling all of it very, very (uncharacteristically) calmly.
There I was, after a long day of doing the best I can for everyone (and happily so, this is not a complaint), sewing in my studio room with my dear friend Heather on the computer at my side. I was trying really hard to make the new dress top for the wedding dress I'm making, and the fit was the part I was the most concerned with. It was coming down to the wire and I was having trouble figuring out how to finish it around the armhole. Then, out of nowhere, my nose starts bleeding. I think my world came to a crash for a second as I thought it may get on the muslin and I started freaking out. Thankfully, Heather knew what to do, came to my rescue with her advice, and ordered me to lie on the ground for a stress massage to the face/head (totally worth the nosebleed, by the way).
I think this moment changed my life. I wish I were kidding. Since that moment, my stress level has been at a very low. My new motto is: Life is too short for nosebleeds. It's true. I guess I associate nosebleeds with brain trauma, but it is something to think about. I never, ever get them, and when I hear about them, it is because something is seriously wrong with the brain due to some sort of force. Granted, I know this isn't a serious condition for me, but at the same time, it is completely unnecessary nonetheless. I bottled up all of my stress by trying to not flip my lid about all of the demands that life was temporarily putting on me over a handful of days/weeks and it came out of my brain through my nose and thankfully not on to a mock-up garment. All of this to say, I'm glad it's over and I have learned that saying No is more important sometimes than your body responding in such a way that could temporarily put a halt to your career. That's just silly.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
.:Irene, goodnight:.
My brother Reid, the one who is getting married in September, called me last night while I was out at a coffee shop with Gina and some others. He kept calling and texting, so I had to step out to talk to him. I'm very glad that I did. Within the first 5 minutes, I had a river leaping from my eyes.
He called because he wanted me to help him write a song for his wedding. Just the thought of it was enough to drive me to tears, but then he went on about how it's about how he misses her when she's gone so much that he sleeps on her pillow because it smells like her. I'm tearing up just writing about it. My brother doesn't express these kinds of things, and it doesn't matter that he had been drinking when he called (it probably took the edge off so he could call me and talk about it - he's just not that way), so it was touching to hear him say such sweet, real things about the woman he's about to spend the rest of his life with. I'm more than happy that he has this person because they deserve each other. They are so in love. It's so beautiful.
I talked to him for a little bit and semi-secretly bawled my eyes out while people kept passing by the door where I was standing. When I was hanging up, he said, "Well, call me tomorrow. I need you. Well, I always need you, but I feel like in this moment, I really need you." Cue the waterworks again! We've always been a close family, but Reid and I had a rough part for a few years. We got closer when he moved to Athens and I would occasionally come visit. We've been really close ever since, and it's been close to 8 years. He was my best friend for a while, even though I know it was difficult for him, but he was still there. Now he wants me to help him write a song for his wedding day and I'm losing it already. He said he needs me. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before on the phone, where I could hear it and hear the emotion that goes along with it. It wasn't like he was crying, but the way he said it. . . I just want to be there for everything.
During my Junior year of college, I was going through the hardest time because things just weren't going my way (Nathan died that year, I lost some friends for a little bit, some past occurrences were resurfacing, etc.). I felt like my family was the only thing that was keeping me from coming completely unglued. I got a Christmas card from Reid that I've kept because it said that he knows things haven't been going my way the past few months, but that I should stay in there because I'm very much apart of our family and that I have everyone behind me. I never would have expected that from him, but he reveals that side of him when I least expect it and most need it.
Family: It blows my mind. It kindles my heart.
He called because he wanted me to help him write a song for his wedding. Just the thought of it was enough to drive me to tears, but then he went on about how it's about how he misses her when she's gone so much that he sleeps on her pillow because it smells like her. I'm tearing up just writing about it. My brother doesn't express these kinds of things, and it doesn't matter that he had been drinking when he called (it probably took the edge off so he could call me and talk about it - he's just not that way), so it was touching to hear him say such sweet, real things about the woman he's about to spend the rest of his life with. I'm more than happy that he has this person because they deserve each other. They are so in love. It's so beautiful.
I talked to him for a little bit and semi-secretly bawled my eyes out while people kept passing by the door where I was standing. When I was hanging up, he said, "Well, call me tomorrow. I need you. Well, I always need you, but I feel like in this moment, I really need you." Cue the waterworks again! We've always been a close family, but Reid and I had a rough part for a few years. We got closer when he moved to Athens and I would occasionally come visit. We've been really close ever since, and it's been close to 8 years. He was my best friend for a while, even though I know it was difficult for him, but he was still there. Now he wants me to help him write a song for his wedding day and I'm losing it already. He said he needs me. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before on the phone, where I could hear it and hear the emotion that goes along with it. It wasn't like he was crying, but the way he said it. . . I just want to be there for everything.
During my Junior year of college, I was going through the hardest time because things just weren't going my way (Nathan died that year, I lost some friends for a little bit, some past occurrences were resurfacing, etc.). I felt like my family was the only thing that was keeping me from coming completely unglued. I got a Christmas card from Reid that I've kept because it said that he knows things haven't been going my way the past few months, but that I should stay in there because I'm very much apart of our family and that I have everyone behind me. I never would have expected that from him, but he reveals that side of him when I least expect it and most need it.
Family: It blows my mind. It kindles my heart.
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