.:No one can ever find you:.

Warning: Kind of an emo post. Beware.

This week has been amazing for so many reasons, one I will not list so as not to jinx my life, but much of it was seeing all of the incredible artists and musicians put themselves out here for SXSW. It has been so inspiring to me, and last night, I was so moved to write. I haven't written in years - years - and I've been wanting to write a lot lately, but never had the inspiration. I wrote about Nathan.

So, here's what I came up with. It didn't make me cry on the outside.
(Try reading it while listening to the 2nd track on Ray LaMontagne's "Til the Sun Turns Black")

The day, it was quiet
except for the hum of the engine
No doubt there was a lot on your mind
but I fear you didn't say it for some reason
Over and over the dunes and whatever below
Somewhere you had been for far too long
Somewhere you still did not know

The faces you see in every turn
on the streets
in houses
Each glance leaves a burn
in your heart
for theirs
For you were there for them
just as much as me
and all of us here
And it was not them
who took you
Or who broke you

It took a few days for me to feel your fire blaze out
In fact, I still do not believe in what I read
Or what I saw
Or how your mother cried
Or how your brother held me
Or the tattoos of "Esse Quam Videri"
Or the fact I will never see you or hear you
again

.:Telling me softly you love me so:.

This day, my friend Gina and I were driving near/around MLK on MLK Day, and there was the voice of MLK blasted over some loud speaker. It seemed a bit eerie, but yet, of course, strikingly appropriate. I haven't been able to shake that voice from my head all day.


I am officially satisfied with my own hot chocolate over the hot chocolate of others.


For some reason, I feel as though I am in this transitional state again. My parents aren't exactly thrilled about the neighborhood and the house I live in, and they are pushing me to move - anywhere in the country, I've been told. I'm open to it, but I don't feel that it is right for me at this moment. I am absolutely enthralled with this city and the things that I do here, but I also feel like I'm learning so much. I need a little more time before I feel ready to leave this place for more than even a month. It's not that Austin needs me. I need Austin. It's a parasitic relationship this place and I have. I'm no where near full.


I think I will write something grand tonight. It's a good night for that.

.:Down on the corner, out in the street the poor boys are playin' so bring a nickel and tap your feet:.

Although it was unbearably difficult to sleep last night, this morning has been nice. Gina is taking the GRE as I write this, and I got to take her car for the next few hours. I'm weighing the consequences of whether I should run errands or sleep for a little while. Running errands would be most beneficial as I have not done any since Saturday (and I'm somewhat an errand-aholic), but I'm already in my bed, yawning. I can see how this is going to play out.


Cleanliness has never been my forte, but my home is turned upside down. In attempt to organize my guest/studio/sewing/office room, I took everything out of it. I would rather just leave it out (i.e. throw it all away), but I do need most of the things that were in there. My discernment for what I do not need is forever lacking, but since this situation is somewhat stressful and extremely counter productive as I am unable to sew in these conditions, I may need to make some decisions soon.


I enjoy this time in the morning where I can sit and think. It's really quiet, I usually have coffee, and I am able to put a ton of thought into my day when I have a full morning. I write a lot during this time, so it feels really nice. I enjoy writing much more than I ever imagined I would, though I would like to keep it as a hobby.


Since starting over with taking care of myself, I've implored my friends (and acquaintances alike) to spend time with me actively. I've sent mass text messages about Happy Hour Yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays, informed my friend Fido of $5 Salsa lessons on Wednesdays and Sundays, whored up a guy at Vox's Facebook wall with tennis-related inquiries, and made plans to walk with some of my really awesome friends. I've gone on 2 walks this week and today will make 3, and it gives me a sense of pride in the fact that I have such wonderful people who earnestly wish for me to be healthy and are genuinely interested in joining my efforts. For some reason, though, I really, really want to do yoga with Heather! I just have this idea that yoga with her would be enlightening or something - I'm not sure what is going through my mind, really - but I get excited at the thought of busting out in tree pose with Heather P.J. I'm strange.


Through First Samples, I met a sweet, sweet lady named Amanda. She is the owner of Montage, an eco-friendly and vintage women's clothing shop. Yesterday, I met with her because she was interested in displaying my photography in her store. We looked through my existing work, and overall, I wasn't as impressed with my old photography. I was, however, inspired to embark on a new photography experiment involving shoes. She doesn't sell shoes in her store (that I noted, but maybe she does), and I think it would be interesting to have photos of shoes in the store while she does not exclusively sell them. I hope this works out. It's great to be inspired again! It makes me feel whole.

.:Will you stand by me, or not at all?:.

I've been single for a week now. I think I may like myself better like that, actually.

Break-ups are almost like deaths in a way. You mourn the loss of a connection you had with someone, everything becomes a process with the spectrum of emotions you endure, and in the end, you try to remember the good times. Of course, there are many differences, but I seem to go through all of these things when dealing with a death of any form. But I am no expert on either, so it would make sense that nothing I say of the 2 makes sense.


Recently, I decided I will try to write another book, alongside the one I've been writing for a few years (that hasn't gotten very far). Some people enjoy my writings, so I want to see where this goes. I'm entitling this one "Death&Sugar." It's going to be funny. Maybe I'm the only one who gets it, but it's all in my head right now. We'll see.


There's a new photography idea I have floating around in my brain that involves, once again, the use of my shoes. This idea, however, is much more personal than just lining them up in a square on my lawn and photographing them. I would like to photograph a pair of shoes and send the photo in the form of a card to my closest friends. In this card, I will explain how I see them as one of my beloved pairs of shoes. This is partially inspired by the refrigerator magnet my mom once got me that says, "You can't have too many friends or pairs of shoes." Even refrigerator magnets inspire me. Go figure.


Wednesday, I officially became a pedestrian. For a while now, I had thought of taking a day off from using my car once a week. The thought process went like this: If I don't use my car once a week, I will be forced to abandon my laziness and actually - gasp - walk some places or to the bus stop. I will see a different side of life by walking/taking the bus because it will show me things I would otherwise miss by driving my car.

This is all due to my wanting to slow down, break my dependence on certain things, and try to have an even fuller life. Granted, I feel that my life is already yet so full, but I want the absolute most I can get out of it while learning more and more along the way.