Saturday, April 11, 2009

.:If it's ever gonna get any better, it's gotta get worse for a day:.

Things have been going extremely well for me lately. My last night of working at Starbucks is next Sunday, and I've already started working for my new job, which I think I will really, really love. Soon, I will be moving, too. There are all kinds of really great things going on in my life, lots of positive changes, and I'm greatly anticipating what all of this may bring.

For Lent, I gave up using my credit card. It was weird to say that, but I decided that it was something I needed to do. I found myself relying on that thing so much that it was stressing me out, so I figured, if there was one thing to give up this year, it would be that. I had never actually given anything up for Lent, not seriously anyway, but this time, I stuck to my guns. I've learned so much in this process about how I should be more purposeful in my purchasing, not wasteful with food, and think a little more before buying some things that I really don't need or won't need for a while. I'm proud to say that because of all of this, I've managed to pay off one of my cards, the rest of my sewing machine credit account, and most of my other card that has been pretty hard to tackle. Not only have I done all of these things, I've actually put some money into savings. Granted, all of this is also because I've picked up a few more jobs with photography, teaching, etc., but I feel that because I sacrificed these plastic luxuries, I've been able to be more money-conscious and be able to do things for my future and not just blow it all on frivolous things like more vintage fabric (God help me.) or some random trip to Europe. . . which will always tempt me, as you should know.

I'm tired.

Monday, April 6, 2009

.:I'm in love with illusion so saw me in half, I'm in love with the trick so pull another rabbit out your hat:.

Thursday morning was such a beautiful time for me. I awoke and prepared for the day. During my dressing ritual, I stood in front of my mirror after putting on my underwear and stood there for a moment. I placed my hand on my tummy, looked down at it, and praised it for being the way it is. In the mirror, I observed its obscure shape, its inability to conform to society's standards of beauty, and felt its warmth and richness as I breathed in and out. A sudden maternal feeling came over me, but not in the sense of yearning to be with child, but as a woman who appreciates this vessel through which life springs from in more ways than labor of child bearing, but with labor of love.

This entire week has been wonderful, and quite a whirlwind of various goings on. There have been many moments for me to take a breath to be grateful for my life, the beautiful interactions I am allowed to have, and the richness I am handed every single day so undeservedly.

Last night, I wrote this as a small reflection of how great it is to simply be alive and well in this world. My hopes are that others may also take some time to be still and in awe of life's treasures we endure over and over again in our daily lives.

"It truly has been a beautiful week, a busy one, but definitely fruitful and heart-kindling. From meetings centered around photography and clothing construction to being published in The Onion to seeing Neko Case live and recording one of my very own songs, I feel that the positive energy from the past few days will carry me for quite some time. Thursday afternoon I had a huge moment of gratitude for the incredible life I have been given. Each day has been filled with reminders of the fact that I am loved, unconditionally, unashamedly, unfalteringly. This goodness I surely do not deserve yet my hopes are that I can in turn infect the world around me with such a beautiful sickness.

Although I am terribly exhausted, I decided to treat myself to dinner at Blue Dahlia Bistro for some porcini ravioli and a tartine with brie, walnuts, and apricot preserves. Definitely a good move, especially since my favorite waitress told me she dotted the i's on my order with hearts.

I'm pretty sure I'm set for life. This city loves me almost as much as I adore it. I will only leave when one of those loves runs out, and maybe even then I may still be enchanted to some degree. Here's to life, particularly mine, and putting the pedal to the metal, but loving every moment of it."

I hope some of that doesn't sound as though I am saying "Look at me, my life is better than yours." I would never think that. I just hope that the things I say here can serve as some optimism for someone else, that someone can look to the things in his/her life and appreciate the smaller things when the bigger things just aren't adding up. That's all, really. Just trying to make some love through words in whatever way I can.