.:You make me feel like I am fun again:.

There have been a few things that have been on my soul lately, and I'm not sure what to think. Do I follow the rules? Do I listen to my heart? I really don't think there are any rules when it comes to matters of the heart.

"I don't believe that there's such a thing as saying too much." Patty Griffin

Me neither, Patty. At least I know that no matter what, I've got you.

.:Baby, I'm broke. Got to go out to the street and get it if I can:.

Austin, how I love thee! I am sitting at Progress Coffee editing photos from a wedding I shot in October. For a few hours, my friends Glen and Leslie were here. They actually kind of talked me into becoming a wedding photographer. I will consider giving it some serious thought. The options are seeming a lot more in my favor. Anyway, I overheard a model talking about her modeling and styling experience. She said that she moved to Austin on a whim, and it made me think for a second about how Austin just does that for people.

I have met more people in this town who moved here for no concrete reason. Often, I am met with the response, "Oh, it just seemed like a cool place so I packed up and moved here!" when I ask them why Austin. I loved that question before I moved - Why Austin? My reply was always, "Why not?!"

So, in Austin, we have so many attractions that seem really "out there." I'm talking about the statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn, our various full body themed tattoo persons (my personal favorite is Katzen the Tiger Lady), many music festivals (the music scene in general) and other festivals such as Eeyore's birthday and Marley Fest (both are more or less for the celebration of all things cannabis), the bat bridge that houses the largest urban population of Mexican bats, and 6th Street - the home of bars galore, complete with frat boys and sorority girls PDA-ing left and right. It's great! Those are just a few examples of what makes Austin what it is. It's an increasingly environmentally-friendly place to live, anyone could live here peacefully (except for maybe George W. Bush), and all things go here, as long as it isn't harmful. I feel like it's a fun, groovy, musical, artsy, free place to live. I identify with Austin very much.

In addition to all of this goodness, I would like to say that on many occasions, Gina and I have seen/heard/experienced something where we just kind of laugh, look at each other, and say, "Did that just happen?!" Then we say, "Only in Austin!" It's pretty wonderful! I saw a man dressed like Batman walking down a somewhat not prominent street in the middle of the day. Actually, it was raining a little bit, which made it extra exciting. After I first moved here, I saw a lady throwing huge flower petals on the highway in front of a plant store. She had the biggest smile on her face and I couldn't help but return the expression. There have been so many more instances where I just laughed and carried the memory with me, being grateful that I live in a really funny city where the people don't always take themselves so seriously. (Including the lady who has duck taped her tailgate to read "Don't move here!" Good times.)

Oh, and have I mentioned that the food is pretty good? It is. Trust me.

All of that to say, I encourage you to visit me! Come now, come later - just get your ass over to Austin so you can see for yourself why it's a super awesome place to be.

.:My heart just asks for you most everyday:.

I started writing a post about Nathan and friends, but after wasting a few hours on Facebook, I erased all of it.

Let's just say that I'm really glad that I am alive. I still miss Nate, but I'm glad to have the people who are still breathing/have a pulse. They take care of me. I couldn't ask for better people.

24 is going to be great. 23 was probably the best so far, but I have a feeling that 24 is going to top that.

Stick around and see with me, k? Thanx.

.:Moods don't come out at you if you don't know what you're going through:.

So much is happening for me right now. So many things are changing, and most of which is for the better. I feel like I am seeing everything work together harmoniously for the first time.

I can't help but stop and be genuinely eternally grateful.

.:I'm not looking for the rest of your life I just want another chance to live:.

Watching the rain water hit the ground outside is one of my life's simple pleasures. That's a "hot tea" kind of moment, where you take in the slow pace, allow yourself to be observant and contemplative, and breathe gently with the earth, even with gratitude and humility.

The last few weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind for me as I was getting ready for my first ever fashion show that went really well, even according to my standards and my fallen expectations, and now tomorrow morning I will be setting off to be there for my brother as he takes his beautiful, patient, fun-loving bride. I will most likely look back on this month as one of the most emotional ones I've ever experienced, and I mean that positively. It certainly characterizes how life changes and how I really can grow up without a fight.

I cannot help but miss the rainy days in Europe on a day like today. In Thailand, the rain is one of the most amazing things because it feels so much cooler after it rains and the people seem nicer and happier than before. But for some reason, even though that is true and the symbolism of how this type of precipitation can have such a powerful effect on people's lives, I still think of the rain in Europe. There's just something about the way it falls, where it falls, that I couldn't get enough of it.

Gina and I went to a tea house called Koriente one rainy afternoon. We sat by the window and I wrote a little bit. I particularly enjoyed watching the cars drive by, seeing the rain drops on the window run to catch each other on the way down, and I really loved the light of the day outside where it was overcast but still very bright and yellow. I saw a snail outside and I was sure that someone would murder it if I didn't go rescue it. It had a beautiful shell when I saw it up close, and I was happy to save it, even if it was bound for the sidewalk immediately afterward. I love how rain brings out the worms and the snails to play with. Maybe my inner 5 year old will always be attracted to the rain simply for that reason.

.:May you. . . give all your heart and still have too much:.

This week, I got a nosebleed. Here's how it happened.

My brother is soon to be married - we know this already. What we may or may not know from this knowledge is the fact that my family is kind of being crazy about it (read: previous post on wedding insanity for some reference). As of right this moment, things have calmed down, and for that, I could not be happier. Perhaps the reason why I got to hear about everything is the simple fact that I am so far removed from everyone in terms of proximity and I'm the only single person in my family. (This realization did not happen just now, but the impact of it is a little bigger than I expected just now.)

[Let me note this: I love to be there for people. I love to help people figure out their issues when they come to me provided it isn't completely ridiculous and/or something I cannot really do anything about. I am especially this accepting and helpful when it comes to those who have the reigns on my heart, such as family and close friends and random strangers on occasion (see: homeless people, random hippie couch-surfers).]

For a while, I was being inundated with calls from my family about wedding drama that mostly had nothing to do with me. I heard about it from a few family members and it was really ridiculous and overwhelming for me, more so than I realized. I'm glad that they love me and we could vent, but why all of this nonsense over ONE DAY?! Anyway, about this same time, I've been stressing a bit over what to do about the fashion show I plan to have very soon, money (rather, lack thereof), and assisting my friends here the best way I can with encouragement, shelter, transportation, office supplies, moral support, etc. I was also hosting a discussion group meeting at my house that night, so I was trying to get the place ready and figure out what to cook for a potluck from my very tiny amount of food. I was ok with everything, and handling all of it very, very (uncharacteristically) calmly.

There I was, after a long day of doing the best I can for everyone (and happily so, this is not a complaint), sewing in my studio room with my dear friend Heather on the computer at my side. I was trying really hard to make the new dress top for the wedding dress I'm making, and the fit was the part I was the most concerned with. It was coming down to the wire and I was having trouble figuring out how to finish it around the armhole. Then, out of nowhere, my nose starts bleeding. I think my world came to a crash for a second as I thought it may get on the muslin and I started freaking out. Thankfully, Heather knew what to do, came to my rescue with her advice, and ordered me to lie on the ground for a stress massage to the face/head (totally worth the nosebleed, by the way).

I think this moment changed my life. I wish I were kidding. Since that moment, my stress level has been at a very low. My new motto is: Life is too short for nosebleeds. It's true. I guess I associate nosebleeds with brain trauma, but it is something to think about. I never, ever get them, and when I hear about them, it is because something is seriously wrong with the brain due to some sort of force. Granted, I know this isn't a serious condition for me, but at the same time, it is completely unnecessary nonetheless. I bottled up all of my stress by trying to not flip my lid about all of the demands that life was temporarily putting on me over a handful of days/weeks and it came out of my brain through my nose and thankfully not on to a mock-up garment. All of this to say, I'm glad it's over and I have learned that saying No is more important sometimes than your body responding in such a way that could temporarily put a halt to your career. That's just silly.

.:Irene, goodnight:.

My brother Reid, the one who is getting married in September, called me last night while I was out at a coffee shop with Gina and some others. He kept calling and texting, so I had to step out to talk to him. I'm very glad that I did. Within the first 5 minutes, I had a river leaping from my eyes.

He called because he wanted me to help him write a song for his wedding. Just the thought of it was enough to drive me to tears, but then he went on about how it's about how he misses her when she's gone so much that he sleeps on her pillow because it smells like her. I'm tearing up just writing about it. My brother doesn't express these kinds of things, and it doesn't matter that he had been drinking when he called (it probably took the edge off so he could call me and talk about it - he's just not that way), so it was touching to hear him say such sweet, real things about the woman he's about to spend the rest of his life with. I'm more than happy that he has this person because they deserve each other. They are so in love. It's so beautiful.

I talked to him for a little bit and semi-secretly bawled my eyes out while people kept passing by the door where I was standing. When I was hanging up, he said, "Well, call me tomorrow. I need you. Well, I always need you, but I feel like in this moment, I really need you." Cue the waterworks again! We've always been a close family, but Reid and I had a rough part for a few years. We got closer when he moved to Athens and I would occasionally come visit. We've been really close ever since, and it's been close to 8 years. He was my best friend for a while, even though I know it was difficult for him, but he was still there. Now he wants me to help him write a song for his wedding day and I'm losing it already. He said he needs me. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before on the phone, where I could hear it and hear the emotion that goes along with it. It wasn't like he was crying, but the way he said it. . . I just want to be there for everything.

During my Junior year of college, I was going through the hardest time because things just weren't going my way (Nathan died that year, I lost some friends for a little bit, some past occurrences were resurfacing, etc.). I felt like my family was the only thing that was keeping me from coming completely unglued. I got a Christmas card from Reid that I've kept because it said that he knows things haven't been going my way the past few months, but that I should stay in there because I'm very much apart of our family and that I have everyone behind me. I never would have expected that from him, but he reveals that side of him when I least expect it and most need it.

Family: It blows my mind. It kindles my heart.

.:Double your pleasure, double your fun, forever on the dancefloor:.

I discovered this amazing video using Digg the other night and immediately posted it on my Facebook. You can view it here. I highly suggest that you do because that would explain everything I am about to say.

The ending makes me want to cry, and I know of several who have told me they have cried (including men), because it is the perfect depiction of how this kind of ceremony should be. If you look at her face and the way she moves, you know that she is the happiest girl in the world, and she couldn't be more excited to share her life with the very tall, handsome man who did a front roll down the aisle before she boogied her way down it herself. It was touching, and so much, at least to me, that I've watched it a few times a day to help remind me what to look forward to. That, and it did not appear to me that they spent gobs of money to have this occasion. That's quite refreshing as well!

There are 2 very close family members of mine who are getting married very soon: my brother Reid and my cousin Audrey. I am so excited for them! I get this giggly feeling sometimes when I think about how they have these wonderful people to share their lives with, and I cannot wait to be there for both of them. Audrey's betrothed insisted (repeat: INSISTED) that I sing in the wedding, and at this point it almost wouldn't matter if he was a bad guy, he's totally a keeper in my book! (Insert large grin here.) Interestingly, my dad helped Audrey plan a lot of her wedding, so I thought that was kind of cool. He knows a lot of stuff about this kind of thing as does my mom. We've been to a LOT and planned one of the biggest anyone in my family/hometown has ever seen, so they're kind of experts.

In all of this, though, I cannot help but wonder about my own. But why should I? I'm single - very, very single - and very much loving it at the moment. I'm 23, which I feel is definitely not the right age for me to marry. (I feel like I have just become an adult, so don't push me over the edge here.) I don't have stable employment. I have health issues. I have money on credit cards that I'm not sure will be paid off for a very long time. All of these factors add up for me, and although people get married all the time despite such entanglements, I think it's a healthy state of mind for me at this point. But why am I even thinking about it?

I think our culture is obsessed with weddings. My friends and I talk about this a lot, but I wonder if other people have noticed the nuptial sickness that somewhat defines our super American mindset so much that it is now an industry. An industry, really? It makes a lifetime commitment into a manufactured possession. Just name your price. Is that the way we really want it? When my parents got married in 1972, they had a cake and some nuts and some friends/family show up. That was it. They've always said, "And we're just as married!" And have been for over 37 years. Honestly, when I've seen some couples have this huge ordeal that costs more than a year's wage for average workers, I wonder if they will think back on that day and say, "And we're just as married!" or wonder where the magic went. I have seen some who haven't made it to their 5th anniversary. It makes me wonder what they were vested in in the first place.

So, why all the hype? Why does our culture insist on such a production for this one day? Our obsession lies in the wedding, so are we less concerned about the marriage? Maybe we should shift our focus and investment from this one day - nay, few hours - of our lives to the future of our relationships. May they be healthy and vibrant and alive! But more so, may they be humbled and grateful to simply have one another - forever.

.:You can cry or die or just make pies all day. I'm making pies.:.

Living by myself has been interesting in many ways, but more so in a way that I know so much about myself that I had never paid attention to before. I guess I'm really figuring out more about my body and how I have this conversation happening internally I was never aware of. Of course, a lot of this revolves around food. If I eat something with a lot of sugar, my body tells me almost immediately and I don't feel very good. If I need exercise, it lets me know that, too. It's really interesting to me to discover these things about myself, and it's true to admit that I took these signals I kept misreading for granted, but now I want to know more.

Don't misread this - I know myself. I just want to continue learning even more about the things I already know, I guess. After all, I have said for years (yes, years) that I am the only person I am guaranteed to spend the rest of my life with. I might as well continue to allow herself to unfold, and the many other people in her head. :)


I have had this hope that I would get to a quiet place in my daily life. This quiet place is reserved for taking in the day - to be grateful, still, honest, open, and reflective. It's almost a meditation, but more or less just a time to sit or lie and be. I choose to accept whatever goings on happened in the day in this time. I choose to restructure anything that could have potentially damaged anything in my life, internally at least. I hope to continue these times throughout my days. They offer me balance and grace. These things I long for above most other things.


As far as coming into my adulthood, I feel that perhaps that has arrived. I had an opportunity to be an MC for an event on Friday, and I conquered my fear of making a complete idiot of those involved. I say that because I have a tendency to be a dumbass in 2 immediate situations: the presence of a "celebrity" (or someone I highly regard as such) and when a microphone is in my hand. I'm proud to say that I was actually just funny. I'll take it.

Growing pains feel really good right now, to be honest. Maybe one of these days, I'll be taken seriously. One can only dare to dream. . .

.:She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one:.

Airplanes take my breath away. They take me up, high above the trees, where people normally should not go. They're daring. Graceful. Inspirational, at least, to me. I treasure the moments I am allowed when one can hear nothing but the hum of the engine, the blowing of the air conditioning, and nothing else. It is in those moments when I am able to figure out some of my soul-gnawing contemplations. Here's a little bit of what I came up with on my flight back to my wonderful city.

I have this feeling that no one takes me seriously. Of course, to say "no one" would be a stretch, but it seems that the vast majority of those I encounter (i.e. family, more-than-acquaintances) fail to actually pay attention to what I am trying to say or do. Here, I'm not worrying about what they think. Don't let that be confused with what I am really after. I could care less what one thinks about me. I just realized that maybe I haven't given anyone a reason to take me seriously. I talk a big game. I have huge dreams that have yet to be accomplished, some haven't even gotten the first step. So, in turn, I suppose I have a few goals for myself in light of what I figured out.

Goal 1: Fashion show. Seems easy on the surface because you see them all the time, but for someone who has no job, it is going to take some craftiness and many long, hard hours of hard work. Every minute needs to count. August 28th is the date.

Goal 2: Learn Thai. I've said for 4 years I wanted to learn Thai. So, I'm going to do it. Rosetta Stone, here I come.

Goal 3: Write music, make album. I live in Austin, Texas, for crying out loud! Why am I not making use of my talent? No more procrastination. Time to do it, and do it right.

Goal 4: Be healthy. This is probably the hardest of all because everything else is somewhat tangible. I just need to be faithful and look toward the future, not at how I dread sweating (especially in the wonderful Texas heat), and here again, make every minute count. After the MJ party at Courtney's, I'm going to do a Master Cleanse for a few days to get everything out and start over. Plus, it's good to do that when you can.

Goal 5: Stop swearing. . . as much. Yes, my friends, the time has come. I drop f-bombs like no one has ever seen or heard. I enjoy it, even as twisted as that sounds. So, my language needs to grow up a bit so that I can, even though somewhat reluctantly, because I feel that it's necessary. There are 2 babies in my life who don't need to hear those words just yet. I want to preserve their sweet ears and hearts just a tiny bit, if I can. This will be difficult, but I'm willing to let it go.

I should probably have a timeline for these things, but I hope to accomplish 4 of 5 by my brother's wedding in September. I may post a few more goals in the meantime, but I'm hoping that those who may read this will hold me up to it. As my mom would say, "1-2-3-GO!"

My mom is soooo cute!

.:Ready to go-o-o, Just say so-o-o:.

Wow. The past couple of months have been challenging, to say the least. I went through some very dark moments - weeks, even - but with the help of my friends, I am very proud to say that I feel back to normal.

There's not a whole lot to say other than the fact that my mind is almost completely absorbed with the fashion show I'm planning on putting together. Once I return from the beautiful mountains at Lake Lure in North Carolina, it will be steady working time for the next 2 months until this thing happens. I'm extremely excited, though somewhat anxious, but in a positive way. Moxie's untimely closure has, to my surprise, inspired me to take on what I believe I am meant to do with one of my talents. It is ruthlessly invigorating. I simply cannot wait to get back to work on everything.

.:I shouldn't be wearin' white and you can't afford no ring:.

Where do I even begin? It's been almost a month since I've written anything and even longer since I've written anything meaningful. I dare warn you, this will not be meaningful, as most of what I write surely does not fall into that category.

My new apartment is really lovely. I enjoy just being here, and I like the fact that I have created an environment for myself. I got a "fortune," if you will, on my birthday from the yoga instructor that said "sculpt your environment." This has been on my mind ever since, and as I was looking around last night, it came to me that I've arrived. It's really nice.

Since flying completely solo, I have gone through my bouts with depression, naturally, and worrying. I had some sort of anxiety for a little while that I was afraid I would never shake, but once I started talking about it, my nerves got a lot better. That is, except for the fact that my new job is now soon to be my old job. Sadly, the economy has forced my favorite place of employment in the history of my job holdings to close its doors at the end of the month. For this, I am super sad. What am I to do?

I am a survivor. I've figured my way out of rough situations a time or two, so I know I'll make it. I have wonderful friends and family who encourage me and look out for me, so I'm fairly confident won't end up homeless or anything. If I do, I'll be sure to have a really funny sign and a really huge jar for my shoe addiction.

.:You only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times:.

Moving thoughts:

I'm about to clean out the refrigerator of my former residence.
Air conditioning (or at least the ability to even control your own air conditioning) is a modern luxury I am taking advantage of.
I'm hungry.
Storage space will never be seen as just a necessity. It is a requirement.

Back to work.

.:If it's ever gonna get any better, it's gotta get worse for a day:.

Things have been going extremely well for me lately. My last night of working at Starbucks is next Sunday, and I've already started working for my new job, which I think I will really, really love. Soon, I will be moving, too. There are all kinds of really great things going on in my life, lots of positive changes, and I'm greatly anticipating what all of this may bring.


For Lent, I gave up using my credit card. It was weird to say that, but I decided that it was something I needed to do. I found myself relying on that thing so much that it was stressing me out, so I figured, if there was one thing to give up this year, it would be that. I had never actually given anything up for Lent, not seriously anyway, but this time, I stuck to my guns. I've learned so much in this process about how I should be more purposeful in my purchasing, not wasteful with food, and think a little more before buying some things that I really don't need or won't need for a while. I'm proud to say that because of all of this, I've managed to pay off one of my cards, the rest of my sewing machine credit account, and most of my other card that has been pretty hard to tackle. Not only have I done all of these things, I've actually put some money into savings. Granted, all of this is also because I've picked up a few more jobs with photography, teaching, etc., but I feel that because I sacrificed these plastic luxuries, I've been able to be more money-conscious and be able to do things for my future and not just blow it all on frivolous things like more vintage fabric (God help me.) or some random trip to Europe. . . which will always tempt me, as you should know.


I'm tired.

.:I'm in love with illusion so saw me in half, I'm in love with the trick so pull another rabbit out your hat:.

Thursday morning was such a beautiful time for me. I awoke and prepared for the day. During my dressing ritual, I stood in front of my mirror after putting on my underwear and stood there for a moment. I placed my hand on my tummy, looked down at it, and praised it for being the way it is. In the mirror, I observed its obscure shape, its inability to conform to society's standards of beauty, and felt its warmth and richness as I breathed in and out. A sudden maternal feeling came over me, but not in the sense of yearning to be with child, but as a woman who appreciates this vessel through which life springs from in more ways than labor of child bearing, but with labor of love.

This entire week has been wonderful, and quite a whirlwind of various goings on. There have been many moments for me to take a breath to be grateful for my life, the beautiful interactions I am allowed to have, and the richness I am handed every single day so undeservedly.

Last night, I wrote this as a small reflection of how great it is to simply be alive and well in this world. My hopes are that others may also take some time to be still and in awe of life's treasures we endure over and over again in our daily lives.

"It truly has been a beautiful week, a busy one, but definitely fruitful and heart-kindling. From meetings centered around photography and clothing construction to being published in The Onion to seeing Neko Case live and recording one of my very own songs, I feel that the positive energy from the past few days will carry me for quite some time. Thursday afternoon I had a huge moment of gratitude for the incredible life I have been given. Each day has been filled with reminders of the fact that I am loved, unconditionally, unashamedly, unfalteringly. This goodness I surely do not deserve yet my hopes are that I can in turn infect the world around me with such a beautiful sickness.

Although I am terribly exhausted, I decided to treat myself to dinner at Blue Dahlia Bistro for some porcini ravioli and a tartine with brie, walnuts, and apricot preserves. Definitely a good move, especially since my favorite waitress told me she dotted the i's on my order with hearts.

I'm pretty sure I'm set for life. This city loves me almost as much as I adore it. I will only leave when one of those loves runs out, and maybe even then I may still be enchanted to some degree. Here's to life, particularly mine, and putting the pedal to the metal, but loving every moment of it."

I hope some of that doesn't sound as though I am saying "Look at me, my life is better than yours." I would never think that. I just hope that the things I say here can serve as some optimism for someone else, that someone can look to the things in his/her life and appreciate the smaller things when the bigger things just aren't adding up. That's all, really. Just trying to make some love through words in whatever way I can.

.:Jesus don't cry, you can rely on me honey:.

me: little gideon of wisdom, what do you have for me today?
gideon: i am bursting with wisdom.
me: give me some of that. i'll take anything today.
gideon: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
me: this is the worst fortune cookie i've ever gotten.
coincidentally, also the best. :)

gotta love the canadian-born chinese pastors.
i love this.
i needed it today.

.:The band's singing Hallelujiah, you are gone:.

What is it about rainy mornings that I enjoy so much? Perhaps it could be that it puts me in a contemplative state for the remainder of the day, but I also rather admire the light. The light is still there, but it is pretty hidden by the precipitation-pregnant clouds, so one only knows there is light because we can see, yet we cannot see the light itself. This could be one of my favorite parts of a rainy day, but only one of the many.


I just turned on "Trav'lin' Light" by Miss Billie, and I must admit, it puts me in a melancholic, romantic mood for that love that just won't let me go.


I'm going to a barbecue later and I am so excited to eat with people outside that I am making so many things to bring. For a while now, I've had this strong desire to go on a picnic, and this is the closest thing I've come to, so I'm pulling out all the stops.
1. Melon and Mango Salsa (with cilantro and red onion) with Blue Corn and White Corn Chips
2. Honey and Lime Sweet Potato Salad
3. Honeydew, Blackberry, Lime, and Mint Salad

SavannahRed loves salad. What can I say? Can't wait until 7 pm!

.:No one can ever find you:.

Warning: Kind of an emo post. Beware.

This week has been amazing for so many reasons, one I will not list so as not to jinx my life, but much of it was seeing all of the incredible artists and musicians put themselves out here for SXSW. It has been so inspiring to me, and last night, I was so moved to write. I haven't written in years - years - and I've been wanting to write a lot lately, but never had the inspiration. I wrote about Nathan.

So, here's what I came up with. It didn't make me cry on the outside.
(Try reading it while listening to the 2nd track on Ray LaMontagne's "Til the Sun Turns Black")

The day, it was quiet
except for the hum of the engine
No doubt there was a lot on your mind
but I fear you didn't say it for some reason
Over and over the dunes and whatever below
Somewhere you had been for far too long
Somewhere you still did not know

The faces you see in every turn
on the streets
in houses
Each glance leaves a burn
in your heart
for theirs
For you were there for them
just as much as me
and all of us here
And it was not them
who took you
Or who broke you

It took a few days for me to feel your fire blaze out
In fact, I still do not believe in what I read
Or what I saw
Or how your mother cried
Or how your brother held me
Or the tattoos of "Esse Quam Videri"
Or the fact I will never see you or hear you
again

.:I'm not looking for the rest of your life I just want another chance to live:.

It has been raining for a few days here, and I love it. I feel like I need this weather because it's the kind of mood that several friends and I have been in lately, so it's as if this is the universe's perfect response to our brokenheartedness. While this is true, some of us have been laughing together again in a way that we have realized we have missed. It's nice to come back to that. I have missed genuine laughter in my life, it seems.

I'm sitting at Summer Moon on South 1st, which is right across the street from where I will be moving in just over a month. I can almost see my patio from where I am seated. I have a very calm feeling about it today, and that's the first time I've felt peace more than nostalgia. I'm already detaching myself from the East side, and it makes me somewhat remorseful. I love my neighborhood so much, but I must do this for financial reasons. I just hope my friends don't forget about me.

Friend, don't forget about me, ok?

.:I'm wearing my footsteps into this floor. Someday I won't live here anymore:.

.:And someone will wonder who lived here before and went on their way:.

Patty Griffin. I love you. You know exactly what to say and when to say it.

Mom came this week to help me find a new place to live. It came down to 2 places, and it was one of the hardest decisions we have made in a very long time. I was a nervous wreck about everything - EVERYTHING - until we made a decision. I was nervous about things I've never been nervous about before.

The fact about everything is that I'm growing up. It scares me a little bit, but only because I hate that responsibility that seems to weigh so much, but I have to deal with it. I wish that some things didn't come with such weight, honestly, like finding a place to live. I don't want to make a huge mistake and there are so many factors that contribute to that decision that I didn't know what to choose over the other. Basically, it came down to a financial decision. It's a good decision, especially now, but I just hope that down the road, in a year or 2, that I can take the opportunities I encounter and not suffer for it. That's the goal. We'll see how it goes.

Another good thing that came from this visit is that my mother and I see a little more eye-to-eye now, and that is refreshing. She questioned her ability as a mother when I told her where I wanted to live and I didn't understand that or explain myself until we were crying at the lunch table. Then, she questioned her ability as a provider (in many ways) and I didn't really understand that either until we were crying at the dinner table. It has been quite an emotional week for us, but her plane is taking off right now, and I know she's happy with me and my decisions. I can't ask for more than that right now. She's a really great mother. I hope I can be even half the woman she has been to me one day.

I truly love the woman who gave me life.

.:We've got to stand up if we're gonna be free:.

I can't help but realize how privileged I am more and more each day. I take it for granted, and understand that every time something major happens. This week, I started teaching. The first day was really horrible, but it got better throughout the week. Then, the city found a massive leak in my house and turned our water off. Our water has yet to be turned back on again. I was really angry for a few days about various things, the aforementioned included, but in evaluating the reality of the situation, I really have nothing to complain about.

Yesterday, Gideon was hinting at the idea that oftentimes we feel that we need respect and admiration, and I think that was one of my biggest issues this week. Whether it was from friends, the guys with Vox, in my classroom, or anywhere else, because of my frustrations, I was almost convinced that maybe Austin isn't the place for me right now. Really, I was just being selfish that the world wasn't revolving around me, that people actually have other things they need to do instead of focus their efforts on whatever I need, and that sometimes, your friends really want to hang out with someone else. My self-absorbed utopia got crunched a bit, and that's how I learn the most. Austin is the place for me - I see this every day - and I'm almost embarrassed that I was bawling my eyes out like a baby to one of my good friends and blatantly disregarding the fact that I was, essentially, using her to make my life better.

I've also realized how I abuse my privileges when it comes to water. Having water is way more important than I had ever fathomed it would be. I think I will definitely make a more conscious effort to preserve what I have once it gets turned back on.

So, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I turned all of the little things I have to do to get by these days into positives. For example, I love using my Zoopals Funtensils in the morning in place of regular silverware. This morning, I ate with an elephant and a flamingo! It was totally great. Also, I'm getting a tour of my friends' showers these days. Paul and Larina have a really cool shower, Hannah and Gina's could potentially wash off a tattoo, and Rachel and Wey have the cutest shower curtain! People have offered me so much, and I'm grateful for these people in my life who do help take care of me. When I get water back, I am definitely baking some cookies!

.:It's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes:.

You know, that last post wasn't a complaint.
I love my life!

.:If you feel lost and tired, this is your song:.

I'm busy.

I'm a barista on some days.
I do this on top of being an after school photography teacher to 3rd - 5th grades.
I do that on top of trying to start a clothing line for curvy ladies.
I do this on top of whoring out my photography and photographic skills.
I do that on top of being the art director for a community center on the east side of town.

I'm trying to learn . . .
Thai, more about sewing, how to start a business, more about Austin, how to ride a bike . . .
among other things.

I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise and take care of myself and have a social life.

I'm just exhausted right now.

.:I wear him like a habit in the lining of my jacket:.

I don't really have that much to say, but if you want to donate money to the SavannahRed Needs a New Job fund, let me know! :)

.:Telling me softly you love me so:.

This day, my friend Gina and I were driving near/around MLK on MLK Day, and there was the voice of MLK blasted over some loud speaker. It seemed a bit eerie, but yet, of course, strikingly appropriate. I haven't been able to shake that voice from my head all day.


I am officially satisfied with my own hot chocolate over the hot chocolate of others.


For some reason, I feel as though I am in this transitional state again. My parents aren't exactly thrilled about the neighborhood and the house I live in, and they are pushing me to move - anywhere in the country, I've been told. I'm open to it, but I don't feel that it is right for me at this moment. I am absolutely enthralled with this city and the things that I do here, but I also feel like I'm learning so much. I need a little more time before I feel ready to leave this place for more than even a month. It's not that Austin needs me. I need Austin. It's a parasitic relationship this place and I have. I'm no where near full.


I think I will write something grand tonight. It's a good night for that.

.:Sleep out by the ocean down in California, Dream until your whole world's spinnin':.

Dear Love,

I'm really putting you on hold this time. I'm tired of looking for you. I have other things to concentrate on right now.

It's not that I hate you. That isn't it at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I just want you to find me this time.

Hopefully, this time you'll understand.

Always,

SavannahRed

.:So, go on and let your heart get broken:.

The past few weeks of traveling have given me such a sense of warmth and love. I've been able to visit my closest friends (most of them) and share moments with them where I get this great feeling that they have been in my life and will continue to be for a very long time. We all have grown so much in the passing years, and I love how the closest people to me are the ones I have picked up with them where we left off like it was nothing. I have held many hands, hugged so much, and kissed them before we departed. Here's to wishing for each and every visit to be just as sweet and memorable.

I am in awe of how fortunate I am to have such kind, loving, caring friends and family. I feel that I am someone completely undeserving of these beautiful people, but I will do whatever is in my power to make sure they know they are deeply treasured and continually thought of.