Tuesday, October 28, 2008

.:And I turned home without so much as a look:.

Even though I went to Europe, I still feel some sort of unrest, and I think I will need to go on a trip alone somewhere. Don't get me wrong, the European vacation was incredible, but I believe what I may need internally is a voyage where I do nothing but discover things and meet new people and write.

I'm talking to Kelsey online right now and we're looking back to the time when we met each other. This time was definitely centered around partying in Savannah and meeting many men, 2 men in particular. She said something just now that rattled me a little. "We were invincible." My reply - "Everyone was." What I meant was "Everyone was - especially Nate."

I never knew invincibility as a fleeting quality.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

.:Here's a hand to lay on your open palm today:.

I want to go drowning with that person. I want that person to look at me with eyes filled with love and hope and the future and nothing else but wonderful things. I feel so alone and without. It's difficult to accurately describe this feeling, but I want to have my one big love. I can exist without it, but I will forever find myself wanting because I see what great people have between each other and I will desperately want that for myself, just as I do now and every day. My heart was created to be shared, and in that to be reciprocated and nurtured, but it's just sitting there, anticipating that great big love like a dirty, hungry, over-heated dog that simply wants to be allowed inside.

My issue is not that I have yet to move on. No, I am, for the most part (to put a number on it - 98%), done with my former significant other. I am, however, feeling this incredible weight of being unable to do romantically centered things with someone I feel completely comfortable with. This gives me the notion that I will die alone and sad, but I have hope, and that's what gets me through these tough days.

If you're in love, I hope you're taking it for all it is worth. Maybe I'll find mine one day, maybe I won't, but just know that you inspire me, regardless of what I may be lacking.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

.:You are what you love and not what loves you back:.

Parental invasion begins tomorrow, and I'm quite excited. However, I am quite stressed just a bit because my mom decided to mail 6 gigantic boxes of fabric to me a week or 2 ago, and the contents are occupying my living room. It's overwhelming, and I don't have much time to organize it. Actually, I have no time at all.

In my preparations so far, I have made tea (sweetened with Splenda), washed my sheets and my duvet cover, and separated their souvenirs from Europe. That's not too bad, right? Oh, I did some laundry, too. I also hung up the "Bienvenidos: Mi Casa Es Tu Casa" sign my mom bought me during her last visit. I have a sweet little Mommy. I put together this shelf for my storage closet, too. I'm terrible at organizing. I need some help when it comes to organizing my own stuff. Any takers?

I just found out last night that I have Halloween off. I wasn't expecting that, and now I have to choose between which parties I would like to attend. It could turn out as Thanksgiving did last year where I went to 4 parties/gatherings, but I think I would like to stick to 1 or 2. We're having one at my house, apparently, so that may be where I end up. Who knows. I have decided, though, that I will try to be Betty Boop. I get to make my costume! This will prove to be interesting, to say the very least.

I have never in my life eaten so many frozen dinners. I used to be against them, but lately, I haven't had time to cook, and I haven't had the money to eat out. It seemed like my only option, but I resent this option. It feels so fake and lazy. I don't want to be fake and lazy. Frozen dinners are like Guitar Hero/Rock Band - they are the paint by numbers of music, so frozen dinners are the paint by numbers of food. Jesus Christ, save me. I do not want this fate!

I finally got to go to Maker Faire on Sunday. I skipped Vox to go, and I'm glad I did because it was really fun to see the cool things that people can do with their creativity. I enjoyed seeing the sea creature orchestra that was playing from the top of some dude's car. Trust me. It was cool. I networked a little bit, saw a lot of people I knew, and felt the vibe of people trying to make a living off of what they're able to do. It was inspiring. Also, some of the vendors had little set-ups where you could learn to weave, make greeting cards out of cereal boxes and stamps, learn how to crochet with plastic bags, and put together your own felt. It was super neato. (I miss using the word "neato." It's very 80's, yeah?) My only wish is that I hadn't gotten so frustrated afterward when I went to work. It was outrageous how pissed off I was. Blair made me take another 10 after I had just taken one 30 minutes prior. I decided I would lie in the grass in front of my car - that's how enraged I was. It was ridiculous. The next night, I felt the same way again, though. Strange times I'm dealing with right now. I'm sure it will get better at some point. At least, I hope it will.

Monday, October 20, 2008

.:Running through fields of hitchhikers, as the story goes:.

I live to be inspired. Incidentally, I also live to be acknowledged in a way that will put food on my table. I don't see this as wrong, and I'm not asking to be world famous. I just want a little piece of life that I don't have to worry about, but maybe I need to be here instead, scraping the ground as I walk by it. At the very least, I'm not tripping over it. That is something positive to acknowledge.

Perhaps it also seems to others that it is a vicious cycle, this game of life. Maybe we're all just stuck in a human mousetrap in more ways than one, but as I've been sitting here, worrying about my future income, my freedom, and the price I have to pay for these things (i.e. not going home for Christmas and being stranded here all alone), I've come to realize it could be dreadfully worse. I could be a prisoner of war somewhere, a sex slave, a homeless person, or just someone who has been forgotten completely. I could be any of those people, but I am not. I'm comfortable in the huge, wonderful bed I sleep in every single night in my house that I love in the city that I adore, and I'm content. However, there have been some little things that have upset me to the point of anger and bitterness lately, but these thoughts I have are fighting these angry, bitter, selfish feelings and granting me more hope for the world. All of a sudden, I don't feel so sad for my life when I think about people who are starving or dying because they cannot afford any sort of medical expense. My lonely Christmas Day won't be so sad if I think of those who are without any family or even clean water.

It's difficult to remind ourselves of these things in the midst of our outrages, but somehow, it came to mind. I was about to write a post about how pissed off I am at the corporate world for forcing people to make money for them when they should allow them time with their families. Then, I realized how self-absorbed I am. It's kind of disgusting, actually.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

.:Oh, darlin' I have never felt so strange, but maybe things are better off this way:.

.:The lights, the lights can tell us what to do/Your eyes are green, but sometimes they are blue:.

Yesterday was quite a day, and I must comment on it because it was so full and wonderful! It was exactly what I would have wanted for my first day off (of my 3 this week - not too shabby).

It started off by waking up much too early, but resting for a little while as I felt the house shake from the construction going on down the street. I've come to love that sensation in a strange, yet comforting way. So, I called Jason to wake him up (Jason = new date guy I met at Starbucks one day on my day off) since we talked until 4 the night before about all kinds of things. We definitely decided in that conversation that we would not work well as an item, which is fine, because like I said, I hope we remain friends. Well, he takes his sweet ass time to get ready and get over to Austin (he lives about 30 min. away), so I clean up my house just in case he comes over later, get ready (and I look fabulously cute, by the way), and walk to Hot Mama's Espresso Bar for their Iced Sticky Bun Latte. (Diabetes who?) Jason called me while I was talking to the precious barista Brandon, and because he was so mesmerized by my phone, I let him answer it. Jason got to Hot Mama's, we drank our lattes, and headed out.

We had talked about getting sushi for a little while the night before, so he wanted to introduce me to the best sushi place (and best sushi chef, Cindy) in all of Austin/Texas/anywhere but California, according to him, called Tokyo. He was pretty much correct: Cindy gives some incredible sushi lovin'. I tried everything he ordered, but wasn't a fan of the slimy concoction made of rotten soybeans and squid. Yeah, not my favorite, but definitely something to try. The conch was probably my favorite, but I loved the salmon (the best I've had yet) and the crispy eel. We had sea bass sashimi, too, but I wasn't feeling that. I should have gotten some escolar, but I was extremely full. After he paid the bill ($100 including tip. . . yikes), we walked across the parking lot to an Indian restaurant and got dessert. It was pretty incredible, too. Apparently, I need to eat in the Bee Cave area more often. Who knew?

We headed to South Congress for some shoppin', and I wanted to check on my dress at Blackmail. My dress is the first one on the left in the window!!!!! I was freaking out! It's a dream come true, I must say, to be featured in the window of a local store. It was super exciting, and Jason was proud of me. He was so proud that he bought this amazing leather biker jacket from the store. It turns me on, I'm not even gonna lie, so I told him he couldn't wear it around me, but he did. Evil, evil man. Anyway, Jill stopped by to look at my work and she was proud of me, too. She had to go, though. Go see my dress!!!!! Ask your rich friends to buy it! (Hah. Hah. . . hah.)

We did some more vintage stores in search of sunglasses since I had broken my other ones in Barcelona. I broke them the one day I was hung over. How do I have such great timing? Jason wanted a haircut, so we rode to see Heather at Salon Sovay, but she wasn't there. As he was backing up, he hit a car in the parking lot with his huge, rusty van, but no harm was done. Fun times. He did talk to the person whose car he hit, though. He's a responsible man.

So, we went back to my house and played music! It was awesome. He's a guitar player, so he was hella good. I played "Leaving on a Jetplane," like I do, and he harmonized with me. It was awesome! We did some more songs and then went to Torchy's. Yummmmy, yummmmy goodness. He had to run, so I told him I would catch the bus back or walk to my friend's house. He wouldn't leave me until I assured him I would be fine, and I insisted. It was my No Car Day yesterday, so I was alright.

I left Torchy's and decided to walk to Dan and Becca's house which is one street over. I'm about 5 houses away when I call Becca.

Becca: Hello?
Me: Hi, Becca! What are you doing?
Becca: I'm just looking some stuff on the computer. . .
Me: So, you're at your house?
Becca: Yeah.
Me: Cool. Well, I'm walking there right now. I'm about 5 houses away.
Me: Heck yeah! So, I'm gonna hang out with you if that's cool.
Becca: Yeah! I'll see you when you get here.

It was kind of funny. While we were at her house for about 15 minutes, I met her gorgeous neighbor who bears resemblance to Liv Tyler, talked to her about my date that day, and watched these teenagers walk down the street with a gun, which we hoped was a bb gun. We were a little worried about it, but nothing happened, so we just hoped it was what we hoped it was and not a real gun. So, Becca and I go to Starbucks so I can get her my markout as I had promised her weeks ago. I got my tips, and they were actually pretty good this week. I was talking about my dress being in the window of Blackmail, and Becca wanted to see it, so we drove on up. She was so proud of me! We were going to get Bubble Tea, but decided to get a coffee/Americano (me/her) at Jo's on South Congress, and I flirted with this beautiful barista with long, flowing, beautiful golden locks. We took our beverages further a little more on South Congress to the patio at Mars where a band was playing. We sat outside the patio in front of a toy store, and a few moments later, we went inside.

KidGenius is such a cool store! The store guy was super cute, and Becca said he was into me. I didn't pick up on that so much, but I did think it was interesting when he said, "Yeah, we would go well together," after I told him I was also a musician/photographer, and that he could be my friend. There was an exchange of numbers, but I don't think anything will happen. Becca was all excited and hopeful for me, but I just didn't get the "he was interested" vibe. Then again, I usually don't. We'll see.

So, we go sit outside Mars again to listen to the band and Becca got a text from Heather's husband Thomas saying they would be at Barfly's on Airport. I convinced Becca to take us since she wasn't feeling it so much, but she was glad she went. Barfly's is definitely a dive, but it was fun to talk to Heather and Thomas before John and Michelle Mao showed up. We got on the subject of popcorn, and apparently, both Thomas and John are passionate about their ultimate love for popcorn. It was a hilarious conversation, to say the least. Finally, someone says, "Hey, let's go eat some popcorn!" We went to John and Michelle's house, made some awesome popcorn (I made my popcorn peanut butter sauce for everyone, but they only had a little bit), drank some beer, and sat around outside talking.

What a day.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

.:It gets harder and harder, Lorraine, to believe in magic, honey, when what came before is just so very tragic:.

Magic. . . I've missed that in my life for the past few months, it seems. It's nice to rediscover my very own world every now and then, and I've learned from this experience that if a situation between myself and someone else is correct, then I will not miss my world quite so much. This has been a lesson I've slowly realized, but as I take a slow drive around my neighborhood, breathing in the Sunday barbecues, allowing the wind mess up my freshly cut locks, and seeing each fence that is perfectly rusted and overgrown with new life, I forget all of these lessons I'm supposed to learn and exist only in those moments. My neighbors are grilling out today, and part of me want to walk down the street, meet them face to face for the first time, and enjoy being with them. For some unknown reason, I did not do this, but I'm confident that I will one day soon.

My new friend is quite a character. He reminds me a bit of Will from "About a Boy" because when I met him and asked him what he does, he said, "I do nothing." Really. I find that impeccably interesting. Then again, I would, wouldn't I?

Last night, my co-worker Kimberly and I went on a ladydate to Serrano's and then to see "The Laramie Project" because my other co-worker Randy is in the play. Bottom line: Incredible. Randy is gifted as an actor, and I was so proud of him every single line he had (which were quite a lot, actually). Later on, I got a text from him while I was in bed saying that he and some of his cast members were at the Peacock Lounge, which is a block away from where I live. I jumped out of bed, put on a random dress, got some boots on my feet, and started the trek. Less than 5 minutes later, I was there. I expressed my extreme appreciation for each person's talent, and some really interesting discussion about religion and homosexuality fostered during our time at the Peacock. Randy, Philip (cast member), and I went to my house after I got semi-felt up by a random, lonely, drunk dude I was trying to talk to just to see if he was alright and/or in need of a ride. (Not cool, meditating inebriated guy whose name is Chris. Hmmm. . .) We all talked a bit more about acting, AIDS, and other fun stuff before they went home. It was so great to hang out with Randy again, but I know that he has grown a lot from this play and what it means to him now. He's also able to do something he's passionate about, and I couldn't be more excited for him.

I'll write more on this later. I have to get ready for work now.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

.:Free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll and drift away:.

Letting go is proving to be difficult, but most people say it takes a new person to get over an old person. Maybe that's true, but my new person I hope will remain my friend. We would be so odd together, but it would be interesting. My life, in general, is interesting, to say the least, but this would definitely be one worth evaluating each step of the way.

Today, I am not sad. I am hopeful and becoming more productive. I will search for jobs, apply at Bank of America, and possibly finish cleaning and organizing my house before dinner and a play. Let's see if this actually happens. I hope it does.

I've become increasingly more interested in 3 women who give me happiness and inspiration, as well as beautiful music. These women are Patty Griffin (given), Jenny Lewis, and Lisa Loeb. These are very classy ladies who not only have incredible style, but they have music that means something to me. Lisa Loeb is one I've picked up and set aside before, but I've come to admire her more and more as of lately. It took me a little while to catch on to Jenny Lewis' charm, but moving to Austin fostered that relationship when I was feeling lonely and disconnected. And, of course, Miss Griffin. . . I've said enough about her for most ears and eyes to absorb, but I'm completely captivated by her. I think I'll design some things for these women and see where it goes. Granted, Patty has Boudoir Queen to think of her, but when do I let these things stop me? Answer: Never.

P.S. Dates at Whole Foods rock. ;)

Friday, October 10, 2008

.:What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart:.

Good question. What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? I could get creative with this. Let's see where it goes.

It's a sad morning for me, but moreso productively sad, if that makes any sense. Erich Skelton's "Bombs Away" is a beautiful complement to my scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of turkey bacon, and sheer misery that I'm afraid I'll die alone with just my shoes. At least, they will be cute shoes and they will have something to say for me. Here's what I would say.

Here lies SavannahRed, whose real name is unknown. She died of a broken heart, but did not go unloved. Occasionally, she would wake up early in the morning and walk to the grocery store just to give a good morning to everyone she saw while she got the first pick of green beans. Her life was fascinating, whoever she was, and her world was definitely colorful, as obviously stated by her invigorating array of shoe hues. She was a singer, photographer, designer, dancer, traveler, and friend, but now she's all alone, covered with dirt and grass, and all alone. Her heart was too big for this world, so it exploded. That is how she died.

That's a really strange obit, but I'm strange, so it works.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

.:Whole lot of hard times, whole little bit of magic:.

Europe was pretty incredible. I'm still attempting to take it all in. Rob kept commenting on the fact that I wanted to absorb every single thing, and I did. I did my best to memorize the city streets as I was walking to the final train station to the airport. There were potted plants outside a restaurant by a tram stop that I wanted to remember forever. They were like little bonzais in long, white, rectangular ceramic boxes, and some of the green from the plants had run off the side with water, so it stained their encasings perfectly. I was unable to pull out my camera during our rush, but I hope my mind took a lasting photographic reference.

I wrote so much in my journal that I'm not even sure I have the words anymore. Each place I visited had its individual charm. I thought of all of my friends while I was there, and I wished each of you could have been there. I experienced so much, and now I'm back, experiencing even more.

My heart is still broken, so Europe didn't cure that, but perhaps, it made me understand it a little more.