Sunday, August 5, 2012

.:You better shape up 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you:.

I wrote this thing a looooooong time ago... And you know, it's still true today.


Monday, May 31, 2004
 I want a man who loves Jesus more than me. I want a man who plays w/my hair. I want a man who will be honest w/me at all times. I want a man who will treat me like a princess b/c I will treat him like he's my prince. I want a man who will love me forever and tell me that every single day. I want a man who is confident. I want a man who is not shallow or selfish, who is deeply interested in helping others. I want a man who is my friend. I want a man who will rub my tummy until I fall asleep. I want a man who can laugh w/me, and laugh at me to make me laugh. I want a man w/strong arms, arms that can provide security for me when I need it. I want a man who will go to concerts w/me or will sit w/me listening to live music. I want a man w/a sense of humor. I want a man w/integrity and ambition. I want a man who is disciplined. I want a man who can do things w/me w/o any particular reason, like sitting in a church all day long w/o anyone else or driving for hours and then turning around and going back. I want a man who can admit when he is wrong. I want a man who can dance. I want a man who occasionally asks for directions. I want a man who wants babies w/me. I want a man who loves the beach. I want a man who will play fight w/me. I want a man who isn't afraid to cry. I want a man who wants to walk down the same road of life w/me as he holds my hand. I want a man I can trust. I want a man I can talk to. I want a man who will watch my flavorite movies w/me over and over again. I want a man who will not get bored w/me easily. I want a man who doesn't find me annoying. I want a man who will sing to me my favorite songs all the time, even if he isn't the best singer. I want a man who is patient and kind. I want a man who is humble. I want a man who is running hard after the Lord. I want a man who would sacrifice everything for me, even though I wouldn't let him. I want a man who can appreciate the simple things in life. I want a man who thinks I am beautiful. I want a man w/a heart of gold. I want a man who will eat Twizzlers and malt balls w/me until we're sick. I want a man who knows what he wants out of life, and almost or pretty much how to get it. I want a man who will cuddle w/me for hours. I want a man who will grab my hand spontaneously b/c he is a spontaneous man. I want a man who wouldn't go nuts if i redecorated our house once every other year if it didn't cost too much. I want a man who can accept change. I want a man who fears God, and loves Him at the same time. I want a man who can say "I love you" in front of others. I want a man who is affectionate. I want a man who loves me for me. I want a man who isn't afraid of an intelligent woman. I want a man w/passion. I want a man who can look into my eyes for a really long time. I want a man that my family loves. I want a man who I can grow old w/. I want a man who will whisper in my ear a whole bunch. I want a man who admires beauty and things for what they are, and for what they aren't. I want a man who can tickle me better than my daddy can. I want a man that I can be proud of. I want a man who will communicate well w/me. I want a man who wants the best for me.

Most of all, I want a man who wants a woman like me, and the man that God has picked out for just me.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

.:Didn't I give you every, everything that a woman possibly can:.

Bear with me. I just needed to get this out.

When the heart gets attached to a person, namely through falling in love, it wants them even for reasons unbeknownst to itself. It craves the attention from that person. It jumps when you get a phone call out of the blue or beats faster upon that person's impending arrival when you're meeting up. It does these things naturally, even when the bond with that person is broken and even when you know it is best for you to simply walk away and wish them well.

Obviously, life isn't that simple. Especially in a place as small as Austin.

Quite frankly, my heart hurts right now. I know I'll be fine (probably even right after I cathartically publish this post), but over the course of the past few months of my life, I allowed myself the decision to change my mind about a few things. One thing in particular was sex, and although on this blog I have proclaimed I was waiting until marriage to do the deed, I gave myself the liberty to change my mind. I entered into an entanglement with a person I fell in love with and I was left brokenhearted, my biggest fear.

Funny thing about having "biggest" fears is that they always actualize. You put a lot of thought and energy into those things and as a result, they eventuate. It's not a complex concept. It simply happens. I thought I had left my fear in Seattle a few months back, but it crept back into my life and so I welcomed it and offered it a drink.

Life has some pretty amazing twists and turns, doesn't it? You're often left with the thought, "Did that REALLY just happen?" Well, at least, I am. And that's ok. I'd rather my life be interesting than just alright. There is beauty in the good and the "bad." I believe "bad" is really just an opportunity to grow. These things make us all the more wise, do they not? Wisdom, after all, rarely comes from having a life of safety and making all of the right decisions, pleasing all of the right people. It comes from our successes sometimes, but mostly our failures.

So, I made a mistake. I cannot regret it for what it has taught me. All I can do is honor myself for where I am and move on.

I wrote this yesterday. Yes, this is me bearing my soul, but that's the way that I am. I cannot deny myself my nature on this. I just need to process it so there's room for something - someone - much, much better.

----
Sitting at the window of a coffee shop on 1st, facing toward the street and where the sunlight is coming in. I sip my tea, hot on a warm day, and listen to the ambient tunes blasting above me. I recall the last time we were together intimately - nostalgic, sad, and relieved at once. It is your wedding day. I take another sip of my tea and embrace its bittersweetness.

So many memories flood my brain. So many emotions flood my heart. I won't write them here, but I will honor them and send them on their journey.

Along with you and the piece of my heart I gave to you with my body.