Sunday, June 3, 2012

.:Didn't I give you every, everything that a woman possibly can:.

Bear with me. I just needed to get this out.

When the heart gets attached to a person, namely through falling in love, it wants them even for reasons unbeknownst to itself. It craves the attention from that person. It jumps when you get a phone call out of the blue or beats faster upon that person's impending arrival when you're meeting up. It does these things naturally, even when the bond with that person is broken and even when you know it is best for you to simply walk away and wish them well.

Obviously, life isn't that simple. Especially in a place as small as Austin.

Quite frankly, my heart hurts right now. I know I'll be fine (probably even right after I cathartically publish this post), but over the course of the past few months of my life, I allowed myself the decision to change my mind about a few things. One thing in particular was sex, and although on this blog I have proclaimed I was waiting until marriage to do the deed, I gave myself the liberty to change my mind. I entered into an entanglement with a person I fell in love with and I was left brokenhearted, my biggest fear.

Funny thing about having "biggest" fears is that they always actualize. You put a lot of thought and energy into those things and as a result, they eventuate. It's not a complex concept. It simply happens. I thought I had left my fear in Seattle a few months back, but it crept back into my life and so I welcomed it and offered it a drink.

Life has some pretty amazing twists and turns, doesn't it? You're often left with the thought, "Did that REALLY just happen?" Well, at least, I am. And that's ok. I'd rather my life be interesting than just alright. There is beauty in the good and the "bad." I believe "bad" is really just an opportunity to grow. These things make us all the more wise, do they not? Wisdom, after all, rarely comes from having a life of safety and making all of the right decisions, pleasing all of the right people. It comes from our successes sometimes, but mostly our failures.

So, I made a mistake. I cannot regret it for what it has taught me. All I can do is honor myself for where I am and move on.

I wrote this yesterday. Yes, this is me bearing my soul, but that's the way that I am. I cannot deny myself my nature on this. I just need to process it so there's room for something - someone - much, much better.

Sitting at the window of a coffee shop on 1st, facing toward the street and where the sunlight is coming in. I sip my tea, hot on a warm day, and listen to the ambient tunes blasting above me. I recall the last time we were together intimately - nostalgic, sad, and relieved at once. It is your wedding day. I take another sip of my tea and embrace its bittersweetness.

So many memories flood my brain. So many emotions flood my heart. I won't write them here, but I will honor them and send them on their journey.

Along with you and the piece of my heart I gave to you with my body.