Monday, December 22, 2008

.:I don't wanna be an old man anymore:.

Dad was watching "Exodus" when Kelsey and I got home from Savannah tonight. It's about how Israel came about, and how the Jews and British were fighting around 1948. It's an interesting look at how terrorism got started, actually, but what I was more interested in was the ending. The ending centered around an informal funeral service for 2 people who were killed in the fight, the main character and a supporting character. The man giving the "sermon" said in his message that he hopes that those in the earth can share a peace that hopefully those who live on the earth can have one day. His speech was filled with sadness that fighting could cause so much pain in certain people's quest for peace that is must spare lives, including innocent ones.

I had this same speech in my head today as I decorated the memorial tree for Nathan. Kelsey went with me, and I am so glad and grateful that she did. We talked about him a lot as we drove to Ft. Stewart, reminiscing the past and all of our shared memories of him. I drove my mom's van over there and registered at the checkpoint on the base. The man issuing the registration told us where to go for the memorial trees. He asked, "Is there a lighting tonight?" And I said, "No, my friend has a tree there." He paused for a moment and said, "I'm sorry," but showed emotion for only a second. I'm sure it's difficult for him to think about it. He has to live with it every day, I'm sure, but for that moment, I appreciated his sympathy.

We made our way to the field where they had the trees and it brought me back to when he came back from his first tour of duty. I remembered going there to see him, with my cookies in tow that Mom bought to replace the ones that she ruined while he was deployed (long story). I was nervous. I was young. I was crazy about him. I was there, at this place, where Kelsey and I walked side by side, her arm over my shoulders and mine around her waist. My heart was pounding a little bit because I wasn't sure whether to turn around and pretend it never happened or to keep going. It was getting darker, so we knew we should find the tree quickly, but it wasn't numbered as I had imagined. I was glad for that, actually. Kelsey took one row and I took the other, and we read the names to find his tree. In a few minutes, I heard, "It's over here." I went slowly, studied the faded flowers from baskets placed there what seemed like months ago, and tried to look for signs that someone else had remembered him this holiday. It didn't appear so, and that made me glad that I was there.

I stood there in disbelief. It seemed so cold, so unlike him. I cried at the thought of him being represented by this tree, at the thought of him not being remembered as I thought he should have, but mainly at the thought that I should not have been there in the first place. Sweet Kelsey came over and hugged me. We had a moment, and then began to dress the branches in the long strand of lei's I put together, the tiny, glittery Christmas ornaments, and beachy air fresheners I bought to resemble larger, beachy-Christmas ornaments. We were proud of our work. I was proud of my friend. I was grateful to have the opportunity to remember him, even though I would rather have him alive.

Cherish the ones you truly love with every moment you get.

I hope your Christmas is bright and filled with warmth and love and peace.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

.:But I can sing this song and you can sing this song when I'm gone:.

My recent days have been occupied, and in the alone times, there has been much reflection. My birthday was not too long ago, just over a week, and it feels like I've been resetting. I've set up some healthy challenges for myself, taken some time to evaluate important things and relationships and goings on in my life, and been more attentive to what I may feel She whispers to me in the quiet of my days and nights.

On our journeys, we wind around such beautiful moments in our lives. To be able to take a pause to digest our daily happenings seems rare in the time we live in, but those moments have been more abundant lately than not. This direction I am headed in gives me so much excitement, yet so much peace at heart. It just feels organic, finally, and the upcoming decisions I need to make I hope will be supported by the hands and hearts who have made me. Each return home, I carry with me some very large issues and come back with some sort of compromise.

If there is a word to capture my current feeling, I would choose "melodic." Perhaps, this may be due in part from the fact that I keep repeating this song. It's a really lovely feeling. I am happy.

My friends have done the "16 Things You May Not Know About Me" list, so I figured I would do it as well. Those things are fun.

1. I constantly wonder about how I will die, when I will die, and what will be the last thing I say, listen to, etc. Sometimes, while driving down the road with the radio on, I think, "Will [insert song title here] be the song I die to?"

2. I really love waking up really early in the morning and having breakfast. I reflect a lot during these times, and I get closer to myself and sometimes Her.

3. I talk to Nathan. I also talk to g-ma Mary and g-pa Ray, both whom I have never met. They are all dead and I talk to them. Sometimes, I feel like I can feel them listening. I do this at night usually.

4. A long time ago, I used to sing the "If you wanna be somebody" song from Sister Act 1 every single day until I told someone. I don't sing it every day, and I wish I had never told my secret because I liked it.

5. One of my secrets got into Berry's Yearbook PostSecret last year and it made me cry.

6. I have a secret fear that everyone is talking about me all the time. This stems from high school. I really, honestly, truly wish that I could get over that part. For some reason, it still lingers. Maybe it's because I know how fake people really are, and I feel like I fall into that category more often than I would ever care to admit.

7. I want to move to a random foreign country and live there for a year just to see what would happen. I want to do this with my family one day.

8. My favorite spot in my parents' house is sitting on the floor in front of my kitchen sink. There are carpet mats in front of the sink and the tile floor is usually really cold. The perfect moment for me there is when there is no one in the house, the lights are out, it's quiet and still, and it is a summer afternoon when it had just rained. The light is perfect, the room and floor are cold, but I see it for what it is and I sit there in amazement and silence. . . but then the moment is ruined a few seconds into it because the phone usually rings. The phone is always ringing at my parents' house.

9. I hate talking on the phone for the most part. I don't answer my parents' phone very often because it isn't for me anymore and I hate telling people I am not my mom.

10. I am great at organizing for others, terrible for myself. (I'm sure this isn't unknown to some, though.)

11. People talk to me about religion a lot, and sometimes I wish they wouldn't. I would rather talk about other things with certain people, only because I wish we could get past that one topic and actually get to know each other. It's not that it is a deep subject, I like deep subjects, but sometimes I would rather know what they think about a really beautiful and gripping film or why they picked their favorite color.

12. I'm afraid that I will be cheated on when I'm married.

13. I'm attracted to much older men but afraid of them at the same time, for obvious reasons.

14. I want to be a pro surfing photographer more than I will ever tell anyone. I feel like I wouldn't get the chance if I were even remotely ready for it.

15. My interests/talents/passions enthrall me and terrify me at the same time. It's difficult to be that vulnerable all the time, but also liberating. Artists are tortured souls at times, it seems, and I wish that were not true in some aspects.

16. I want to be in love more than anything in this entire world, but I want it to be with the real one. I know that is commonly known, but it is constantly on my mind. I won't stop until there is magic. I cannot live without that magic. I agonize over it at all times of the day, whether I admit it or not.

And there you go.

P.S. Happy 105 years of beautiful aviation!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

.:I'm glad to be here with you on this heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, heavenly day:.

There is not a clean surface in my house (my part, anyway). This disgusts me right now.
I'm about to go clean it up.

I'll write more later. I've been busy, and quite overwhelmed, but happy. :)
Very, very happy.

Oh, and I believe I will be gauging up tomorrow or Tuesday night. I'll be going from an 8 to a 6, so that will be really cool. It will hurt like a mother, though. Oh well.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

.:Down on the corner, out in the street the poor boys are playin' so bring a nickel and tap your feet:.

Although it was unbearably difficult to sleep last night, this morning has been nice. Gina is taking the GRE as I write this, and I got to take her car for the next few hours. I'm weighing the consequences of whether I should run errands or sleep for a little while. Running errands would be most beneficial as I have not done any since Saturday (and I'm somewhat an errand-aholic), but I'm already in my bed, yawning. I can see how this is going to play out.

Cleanliness has never been my forte, but my home is turned upside down. In attempt to organize my guest/studio/sewing/office room, I took everything out of it. I would rather just leave it out (i.e. throw it all away), but I do need most of the things that were in there. My discernment for what I do not need is forever lacking, but since this situation is somewhat stressful and extremely counter productive as I am unable to sew in these conditions, I may need to make some decisions soon.

I enjoy this time in the morning where I can sit and think. It's really quiet, I usually have coffee, and I am able to put a ton of thought into my day when I have a full morning. I write a lot during this time, so it feels really nice. I enjoy writing much more than I ever imagined I would, though I would like to keep it as a hobby.

Since starting over with taking care of myself, I've implored my friends (and acquaintances alike) to spend time with me actively. I've sent mass text messages about Happy Hour Yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays, informed my friend Fido of $5 Salsa lessons on Wednesdays and Sundays, whored up a guy at Vox's Facebook wall with tennis-related inquiries, and made plans to walk with some of my really awesome friends. I've gone on 2 walks this week and today will make 3, and it gives me a sense of pride in the fact that I have such wonderful people who earnestly wish for me to be healthy and are genuinely interested in joining my efforts. For some reason, though, I really, really want to do yoga with Heather! I just have this idea that yoga with her would be enlightening or something - I'm not sure what is going through my mind, really - but I get excited at the thought of busting out in tree pose with Heather P.J. I'm strange.

Through First Samples, I met a sweet, sweet lady named Amanda. She is the owner of Montage, an eco-friendly and vintage women's clothing shop. Yesterday, I met with her because she was interested in displaying my photography in her store. We looked through my existing work, and overall, I wasn't as impressed with my old photography. I was, however, inspired to embark on a new photography experiment involving shoes. She doesn't sell shoes in her store (that I noted, but maybe she does), and I think it would be interesting to have photos of shoes in the store while she does not exclusively sell them. I hope this works out. It's great to be inspired again! It makes me feel whole.

Monday, December 1, 2008

.:And if I die in Raleigh, at least I will die freeeee:.

A week from today will be the anniversary of my birth. This is the first year I haven't been particularly excited about it. I haven't heralded it like I usually do. The sad thing is that I want to be excited about it. I'm not sure what is holding me back. This, obviously, is unlike me. The part that makes me sad is that I always told myself I would be excited about my birthday, especially because it's annoying to hear how people hate their birthdays. Hearing someone groan about something that inevitably happens every single year is obnoxious. It is to me, anyway. I don't hate my birthday, I'm just not excited about it this year. I think it's because I feel like no one will care. I have no reason to feel that way, but I do.

Sarah and I have challenged each other to get healthy. We have a 6 month "bet"/experiment going. Loser has to visit winner. Either way, it's gonna be an awesome ending. I am, coincidentally, excited about this!

My first goal is 15 by the time my friend Karen and her lover come visit me around Valentine's Day. I think I can swing it.

Because of this, I've been asking all of my friends (and some acquaintances) to spend time with me actively. I figured that would be a good way to get myself out there and hang out with people at the same time. I hope it goes as well as I would like!

Cleaning this place is overwhelming me, but I will do it. I will not have a messed up place on my birthday. I refuse!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

.:My, oh, my, you pretty thing, it's about that time for us to leave:.

About 1.5 hours ago, I walked to the grocery store. On my journey back, I went through a construction area behind my house. My neighborhood is slightly sketchy, and I was watching my back the whole time since it had just gotten dark. This poster struck me, though, and all of a sudden, I felt like the assailant.

The poster reads:

Artists & 'Hipsters' - How are you [something - I'll go look at it again later] to gentrify East Austin? What are you doing to fight it?

This is something I've asked myself since moving to the East side, and I guess I didn't expect to see something so blatant posted right behind my house. It makes me think about my life here even more. Maybe South Austin is the place for me, after all, because it's obvious that some people like the way things are. I cannot blame them for that.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

.:Turkey lurkey lee and turkey lurkey loo:.

It is now, officially, Thanksgiving. I'm pretty excited. It's going to be super.

I'm trying to figure out some things about my life right now. I'm not perplexed by anything in particular other than the recent passing of sweet Jonathan Howard. I wrote about that in my previous post. Anyway, I just feel like right now is a good time for me to sit down and try to reorganize, regroup, and revamp, if need be. First things first, cleaning the room. It's been over a month since I've washed my sheets! I can't believe I let them go that long. It has been a very busy time for me lately.

So, as I reorganize, regroup, and revamp these upcoming weeks (and celebrate my 23rd birthday!!!!), I intend to keep in mind where the past year and a half have taken me, what they have shown me, and how I feel a tiny bit wiser. I am surrounded by people who challenge me daily, and that is one thing I have always looked for - not in a competitive way, but in a way to learn and grow.

I sound like a treehugger. I kind of am these days, but alas, I do not care. I am who I am, and I'm very, very much alright with this person I am guaranteed to be with for the rest of my life. . . and the other voices in my head. ;)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

.:Put out the fire in your head and lay with me tonight:.

There are so many things I will never understand about this life, and death is the main one. Everyone knows about how much it still hurts me that I lost one of my very best friends, the former love of my life, and that was over 3 years ago. Not a single day goes by that I don't have him in my head. To think that someone else has to go through something even worse than this is absolutely devastating, to lose a love so beautiful and true, to watch the man of her dreams wither away during his last months, days, hours, seconds. . . It kills me to think about it, and I cannot imagine how she must feel right now.

Jenice lived on my freshman hall and I loved how crazy and strange she was. She isn't a very good driver, but she's brilliant and kind and has a laugh like no other. Most people wouldn't see her as conventionally beautiful, but she has this incredible charm about her, one that is all her own. She met Jonathan, and although he was a little shorter than her (this girl is really freakin' tall), it didn't seem to matter. I remember seeing them PDA all over campus, and I know I made fun of them a few times, but I always thought it was beautiful how they found each other, appreciated each other, and weren't afraid to show people how much they were in love.

Jonathan passed away last night, and I'm sure the Earth stopped moving for a moment to mourn the passing of such a kind, gentle person and the love he had for this amazing, quirky lady. They were engaged not too long after he discovered he had Ewing's Sarcoma, a rare cancer, that was the cause of his unfortunate passing. I'm sure the doctors did all that they could do, and so did sweet Jenice. She informed everyone of his progress, his treatments, and his final days. She was there beside him every single step, and I know it has to have been the most painful thing she has ever gone through. And now, he is no longer with us. She is attempting to be happy for him because he is now with God. I hope there is a special Heaven for him, to be honest. In my opinion, people who suffer so much, yet are still so wonderful, deserve a place even better than we could possibly imagine. In his final pictures, he was smiling, but literally dying on the inside. It breaks my heart to even write that.

This weekend, I had tea lights spread throughout Space12 in honor of Jonathan and Jenice, but I feel that wasn't enough. This unfortunate situation, one that seems fictional, more like something in a movie or a book than in real life, I feel it deserves more commemoration, even from someone who barely knew Jonathan and hasn't been very close to Jenice for a few years.

Again, I will say what I have said over and over again. If you love someone, let them know and do not be afraid.

Friday, November 21, 2008

.:And we'll grow kindness in our hearts for all the strangers among us until there are no strangers anymore:.

The past few days have been a whirlwind for me as we have been preparing for the East Austin Studio Tour, and they have definitely been worth it. I was stressed out last week a little bit, but then I calmed down and remained calm until tonight. I lost it a little bit, and Matt called me on it, which I was mad about but realized afterward he was right. It has definitely been a learning experience, but I can gladly say that 98% of the time, I have been extremely excited. I'm not sure I will be able to sleep tonight because of my anticipation for tomorrow. It's going to be huge, I can feel it.

Last night, I was thinking about how this place, Space12, has become this incredible symbol in the lives of those who have enabled its transformation. It once was this place that was filled with illegal activity, dangerous situations, and very unfortunate endings for some. The neighborhood around it was shaped by it in ways. But now, now that it has turned into this great space to have social gatherings, neighborhood meetings, barbeques, birthday parties, swing dance nights, etc., it is truly humbling to see the response of those who were involved in its former state. It is also pretty incredible to see our community at Vox come together, offer our talents to one another, help each other, and put together this wonderful weekend of glistening talent - free to the public. It is truly beautiful. I simply cannot believe I am apart of something this amazing.

I had always hoped I could be some sort of part of something huge one day. I've been told my entire life that I was meant for great things, and I think that I've believed it for the majority of that time, and that notion has driven me to where I am today. I had never expected this, though. It has brought me to tears lately, which really isn't that hard to do, truth be told. However, it moves me that I am but 22 years old and I have a small hand in such an incredible thing that gives back to the community and the art world as a whole. I can only hope that people can be inspired by the things they view this weekend, the artists they speak to about their work, and the transformation of some of the spaces on the East side to art venues and the like.

All I have to say is damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.
And thank you. You know who you are.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

.:You never get what you want, do you baby?:.

Before I post anything, I must announce that KGSR said Patty Griffin is recording a gospel album. I almost cried at the mere thought of how beautiful that will be. That woman single-handedly shakes my very soul.

To update the most previous post, I feel I must take back the comment where I said the chemistry overpowers the distance. Distance: 1. Chemistry: 0. Better luck next time, I suppose, but this one surely did throw me for a loop. I guess I need to work on not giving in after I feel it's right, but how is that supposed to work, exactly? Please supply any advice. My skills are obviously lacking in holding out in the heart department (but they're still running strong elsewhere). I am quite exhausted with being let down. Please, Austin. Please generate for me a suitable love interest. These boys just won't do. How about a man this time?

In more upbeat news, I've had an exhausting yet exciting day. I've been preparing Space12 for the East Austin Studio Tour (EAST) all day, and it looks really great. I spaced out the furniture and moved out a lot of unnecessary things that were in the community center. Hopefully, people will get a better feel for the art and be able to mingle a bit. There is one gathering set-up that I was having fun with, and I hope it works the way I intended it to. You'd have to see it to understand, but it's pretty exciting to see everything and everyone come together.

We've already set up the artwork for Ortega Elementary. Those kids are talented! It took me back to etching we would do when I was younger. Etching was my favorite, actually. The teacher is so sweet. I know she really cares about her kids.

I submitted the photos for my printing. It is going to be very expensive, but it will look really nice. I decided to go with a door theme from my Europe photos. I have some really great prints, and I'm excited to see them on the walls! When everything gets put up, I think I will cry. This has been such a great experience for me, and I am overwhelmed by how excited I am in anticipation for this upcoming weekend to be able to talk to people about art, Space12, the east side, etc. It's going to be wonderful, and it makes me a billion times more glad that I live where I live and do what I do.

I've had a few moments lately where I will be driving around or sitting somewhere and I stop and thank God for everything she's done for me. I couldn't ask for a better life, really. Everything in it is so good to me, especially my beautiful friends, near and far. My sweet, sweet Sarah has been so gracious to me throughout our friendship, but especially lately since my heart has been a little sore. I have so many kind people who want to see me happy in my life, and I hope that they know that I tell my "Indian woman" God that I love everyone she's given me.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

.:Do they collide? I ask and you smile:.

I met someone really incredible. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this on this blog, but I'm genuinely excited and hopeful and terrified, so I figured I could share. Some things just feel right, you know? The distance does factor in, but the chemistry overpowers that. I guess I get to find out what happens next either way.

Next weekend is huge for me, and I feel like I'm running out of time. I also have no money, so my credit cards are about to be full again. This isn't a good feeling, but I know that things happen for a reason and everything works out. Let's just hope that I can start making some clothes that sell because I'm a little worried, to be honest.

Dear Economy,
Let's be friends again, shall we?

Monday, November 10, 2008

.:Papa's got a brand new bag:.

Honestly, I live such an interesting life. Strange things happen to me all the time, along with the random, the unpleasant, the unsettling, and the awesome. Yesterday, I was delighted to find that the song I was singing to myself in the car was actually on the radio just as I turned it on. Those times in my life are what I live for.

Today, I was quite annoyed with some aspects of the world. I got numerous phone calls within minutes of each other from credit card companies wanting to speak to the "owner of SavannahRed." "You've got me," I would reply. Begin schpeel. Enter interruption - "I'm sorry, this is the 5th call I've received in the past hour, and I would like all of you to know I'm not interested and never call me again." I wanted to say things like, "Your company should burn in hell," but I didn't. After I gave part of my interruption speech, one guy said, "Isn't that amazing?" And I said, "No, it's ANNOYING! DON'T CALL ME EVER AGAIN!" Then my head explodes like a fembot.

I don't usually get that angry, but this was absurd.

Today, I made my lettuce wraps for Gina. They were incredible! It has been over a year since I made them, and we didn't skip a beat until they were all gone. Here's the recipe:

2 tbls oil
2.5 tbls red curry paste
3/4 cup crushed peanuts
2.5 tbls sweetener of choice (brown sugar is best, but I used Splenda)
1 cup light coconut milk
1/2 cup water
fresh limes

green leaf lettuce
chopped carrots
bean sprouts
fresh limes
soy sauce

For sauce, heat oil first. Throw in the red curry paste and sautee briefly. Put in the coconut milk, sweetener, and peanuts, adding a little bit of salt and lime juice to taste. Let simmer 10-15 minutes. Let it cool down before indulging in its goodness.

Cut the chicken into small pieces and cook it in soy sauce and little bit of fresh lime juice.

To assemble, be creative!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

.:Oh Mary Jo, I'm so alone, yeah, and I never wanna feel this way again:.

I was browsing the "Men Looking for Women" section of Craigslist (I do this quite often), and I came across this very intriguing ad. Click here.

Yeah, so, I wasn't exactly sure what to think, so I followed their directions and came across their "Double Date Us" video collection. Here we go. . .

I emailed them. Here was the content of that message:

Double Date in Austin!

Hey guys -

My friend Lilia and I are totally up for a double date with you two. When are you getting to Austin? Let us know!

Rock on,

[SavannahRed] and Lilia
(I used my real name in the email)

They replied tonight! Here's what they said:

[SavannahRed] and Lilia,
We are DOWN. We'll be out there before January hopefully. Send over some pics or add us on facebook/myspace, and we'll party. Our names are David [Last Name Here] and Ethan [Last Name Here]. Be in touch!

It's on!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

.:The funny thing about money for sex - you might get rich but you die by it:.

SavannahRed is getting political.

Ok, I'll explain why I voted for Obama. I don't talk about politics very much, even when entered into a conversation about it (Gina can attest to that), but I'm ready to explain a little bit as to why I chose him. I won't cover all of his issues because I don't know all of them, honestly, but these are important to me and his choices fit. These are in no particular order.

1) Abortion. I'm pro-choice because I feel like a woman should have the choice to make the very painful decision (most of the time, it is the most painful decision they have ever made and they live with that for the rest of their lives) of whether or not to keep her fetus. I feel that it is a person's right to do what he or she wants to do to his or her body, and I feel that one person's religious views should not have an effect on another's decisions, especially if their religion (or lack thereof) is different than the other's. (Really, though, what happened to separation of church and state? Can we add "church and vagina" in there, too? Yeah. I just said the v-word.)

2) Gay Marriage. Although he isn't a supporter of gay marriage, he does support civil unions. I would prefer the former, but he has stated that he would leave it up to individual states to decide for themselves, and I feel like that's at least fair enough on his part since he doesn't completely support it anyway. He's at least letting them have a chance, in my opinion. I hope that one day, they will be able to have that freedom because, really, what does this even matter to straight people? Do they feel threatened by gay people getting married? Do they not know which side to sit on when they attend the service? What is it?! I've never understood this. I guess it could be a religious issue (and most likely is for the majority), but I think that discrimination needs to change, regardless of what could be distorted from the Bible. Yep. I said that, too.

3) Equality. This man wants us to be united again, to stand and gather together like we're brothers and sisters, to allow each other to live freely and openly, and to treat each other with respect. It's like he's our dad or something, trying to teach us how to grow up and stop hitting each other, but work together, end violence, be a peaceful group of people, and help each other. He wants us to be a community, not just a country. I ache to see this place in harmony, and I feel that he shares in that sentiment.

4) Gun control. This has always been an issue for me, and I agree that we need tighter gun control. Maybe Bobby Mallin would be alive if this had been in place about 2 years ago. It's obvious that he cares more about potentially saving lives than killing animals for fun.

5) War. All I'm going to say about this is that I woke up one morning during this campaign season and said that I will do whatever I can to prevent anyone - parents, siblings, relatives, friends, acquaintences, perfect strangers - from having to go through what I have been through since losing Nathan. No one should ever have to bear that pain, and I know his family has felt it even more so, and although they are strong supporters for McCain, I am still voting for Obama for them, too.

So, that's it in a nutshell.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

.:And I turned home without so much as a look:.

Even though I went to Europe, I still feel some sort of unrest, and I think I will need to go on a trip alone somewhere. Don't get me wrong, the European vacation was incredible, but I believe what I may need internally is a voyage where I do nothing but discover things and meet new people and write.

I'm talking to Kelsey online right now and we're looking back to the time when we met each other. This time was definitely centered around partying in Savannah and meeting many men, 2 men in particular. She said something just now that rattled me a little. "We were invincible." My reply - "Everyone was." What I meant was "Everyone was - especially Nate."

I never knew invincibility as a fleeting quality.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

.:Here's a hand to lay on your open palm today:.

I want to go drowning with that person. I want that person to look at me with eyes filled with love and hope and the future and nothing else but wonderful things. I feel so alone and without. It's difficult to accurately describe this feeling, but I want to have my one big love. I can exist without it, but I will forever find myself wanting because I see what great people have between each other and I will desperately want that for myself, just as I do now and every day. My heart was created to be shared, and in that to be reciprocated and nurtured, but it's just sitting there, anticipating that great big love like a dirty, hungry, over-heated dog that simply wants to be allowed inside.

My issue is not that I have yet to move on. No, I am, for the most part (to put a number on it - 98%), done with my former significant other. I am, however, feeling this incredible weight of being unable to do romantically centered things with someone I feel completely comfortable with. This gives me the notion that I will die alone and sad, but I have hope, and that's what gets me through these tough days.

If you're in love, I hope you're taking it for all it is worth. Maybe I'll find mine one day, maybe I won't, but just know that you inspire me, regardless of what I may be lacking.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

.:You are what you love and not what loves you back:.

Parental invasion begins tomorrow, and I'm quite excited. However, I am quite stressed just a bit because my mom decided to mail 6 gigantic boxes of fabric to me a week or 2 ago, and the contents are occupying my living room. It's overwhelming, and I don't have much time to organize it. Actually, I have no time at all.

In my preparations so far, I have made tea (sweetened with Splenda), washed my sheets and my duvet cover, and separated their souvenirs from Europe. That's not too bad, right? Oh, I did some laundry, too. I also hung up the "Bienvenidos: Mi Casa Es Tu Casa" sign my mom bought me during her last visit. I have a sweet little Mommy. I put together this shelf for my storage closet, too. I'm terrible at organizing. I need some help when it comes to organizing my own stuff. Any takers?

I just found out last night that I have Halloween off. I wasn't expecting that, and now I have to choose between which parties I would like to attend. It could turn out as Thanksgiving did last year where I went to 4 parties/gatherings, but I think I would like to stick to 1 or 2. We're having one at my house, apparently, so that may be where I end up. Who knows. I have decided, though, that I will try to be Betty Boop. I get to make my costume! This will prove to be interesting, to say the very least.

I have never in my life eaten so many frozen dinners. I used to be against them, but lately, I haven't had time to cook, and I haven't had the money to eat out. It seemed like my only option, but I resent this option. It feels so fake and lazy. I don't want to be fake and lazy. Frozen dinners are like Guitar Hero/Rock Band - they are the paint by numbers of music, so frozen dinners are the paint by numbers of food. Jesus Christ, save me. I do not want this fate!

I finally got to go to Maker Faire on Sunday. I skipped Vox to go, and I'm glad I did because it was really fun to see the cool things that people can do with their creativity. I enjoyed seeing the sea creature orchestra that was playing from the top of some dude's car. Trust me. It was cool. I networked a little bit, saw a lot of people I knew, and felt the vibe of people trying to make a living off of what they're able to do. It was inspiring. Also, some of the vendors had little set-ups where you could learn to weave, make greeting cards out of cereal boxes and stamps, learn how to crochet with plastic bags, and put together your own felt. It was super neato. (I miss using the word "neato." It's very 80's, yeah?) My only wish is that I hadn't gotten so frustrated afterward when I went to work. It was outrageous how pissed off I was. Blair made me take another 10 after I had just taken one 30 minutes prior. I decided I would lie in the grass in front of my car - that's how enraged I was. It was ridiculous. The next night, I felt the same way again, though. Strange times I'm dealing with right now. I'm sure it will get better at some point. At least, I hope it will.

Monday, October 20, 2008

.:Running through fields of hitchhikers, as the story goes:.

I live to be inspired. Incidentally, I also live to be acknowledged in a way that will put food on my table. I don't see this as wrong, and I'm not asking to be world famous. I just want a little piece of life that I don't have to worry about, but maybe I need to be here instead, scraping the ground as I walk by it. At the very least, I'm not tripping over it. That is something positive to acknowledge.

Perhaps it also seems to others that it is a vicious cycle, this game of life. Maybe we're all just stuck in a human mousetrap in more ways than one, but as I've been sitting here, worrying about my future income, my freedom, and the price I have to pay for these things (i.e. not going home for Christmas and being stranded here all alone), I've come to realize it could be dreadfully worse. I could be a prisoner of war somewhere, a sex slave, a homeless person, or just someone who has been forgotten completely. I could be any of those people, but I am not. I'm comfortable in the huge, wonderful bed I sleep in every single night in my house that I love in the city that I adore, and I'm content. However, there have been some little things that have upset me to the point of anger and bitterness lately, but these thoughts I have are fighting these angry, bitter, selfish feelings and granting me more hope for the world. All of a sudden, I don't feel so sad for my life when I think about people who are starving or dying because they cannot afford any sort of medical expense. My lonely Christmas Day won't be so sad if I think of those who are without any family or even clean water.

It's difficult to remind ourselves of these things in the midst of our outrages, but somehow, it came to mind. I was about to write a post about how pissed off I am at the corporate world for forcing people to make money for them when they should allow them time with their families. Then, I realized how self-absorbed I am. It's kind of disgusting, actually.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

.:Oh, darlin' I have never felt so strange, but maybe things are better off this way:.

.:The lights, the lights can tell us what to do/Your eyes are green, but sometimes they are blue:.

Yesterday was quite a day, and I must comment on it because it was so full and wonderful! It was exactly what I would have wanted for my first day off (of my 3 this week - not too shabby).

It started off by waking up much too early, but resting for a little while as I felt the house shake from the construction going on down the street. I've come to love that sensation in a strange, yet comforting way. So, I called Jason to wake him up (Jason = new date guy I met at Starbucks one day on my day off) since we talked until 4 the night before about all kinds of things. We definitely decided in that conversation that we would not work well as an item, which is fine, because like I said, I hope we remain friends. Well, he takes his sweet ass time to get ready and get over to Austin (he lives about 30 min. away), so I clean up my house just in case he comes over later, get ready (and I look fabulously cute, by the way), and walk to Hot Mama's Espresso Bar for their Iced Sticky Bun Latte. (Diabetes who?) Jason called me while I was talking to the precious barista Brandon, and because he was so mesmerized by my phone, I let him answer it. Jason got to Hot Mama's, we drank our lattes, and headed out.

We had talked about getting sushi for a little while the night before, so he wanted to introduce me to the best sushi place (and best sushi chef, Cindy) in all of Austin/Texas/anywhere but California, according to him, called Tokyo. He was pretty much correct: Cindy gives some incredible sushi lovin'. I tried everything he ordered, but wasn't a fan of the slimy concoction made of rotten soybeans and squid. Yeah, not my favorite, but definitely something to try. The conch was probably my favorite, but I loved the salmon (the best I've had yet) and the crispy eel. We had sea bass sashimi, too, but I wasn't feeling that. I should have gotten some escolar, but I was extremely full. After he paid the bill ($100 including tip. . . yikes), we walked across the parking lot to an Indian restaurant and got dessert. It was pretty incredible, too. Apparently, I need to eat in the Bee Cave area more often. Who knew?

We headed to South Congress for some shoppin', and I wanted to check on my dress at Blackmail. My dress is the first one on the left in the window!!!!! I was freaking out! It's a dream come true, I must say, to be featured in the window of a local store. It was super exciting, and Jason was proud of me. He was so proud that he bought this amazing leather biker jacket from the store. It turns me on, I'm not even gonna lie, so I told him he couldn't wear it around me, but he did. Evil, evil man. Anyway, Jill stopped by to look at my work and she was proud of me, too. She had to go, though. Go see my dress!!!!! Ask your rich friends to buy it! (Hah. Hah. . . hah.)

We did some more vintage stores in search of sunglasses since I had broken my other ones in Barcelona. I broke them the one day I was hung over. How do I have such great timing? Jason wanted a haircut, so we rode to see Heather at Salon Sovay, but she wasn't there. As he was backing up, he hit a car in the parking lot with his huge, rusty van, but no harm was done. Fun times. He did talk to the person whose car he hit, though. He's a responsible man.

So, we went back to my house and played music! It was awesome. He's a guitar player, so he was hella good. I played "Leaving on a Jetplane," like I do, and he harmonized with me. It was awesome! We did some more songs and then went to Torchy's. Yummmmy, yummmmy goodness. He had to run, so I told him I would catch the bus back or walk to my friend's house. He wouldn't leave me until I assured him I would be fine, and I insisted. It was my No Car Day yesterday, so I was alright.

I left Torchy's and decided to walk to Dan and Becca's house which is one street over. I'm about 5 houses away when I call Becca.

Becca: Hello?
Me: Hi, Becca! What are you doing?
Becca: I'm just looking some stuff on the computer. . .
Me: So, you're at your house?
Becca: Yeah.
Me: Cool. Well, I'm walking there right now. I'm about 5 houses away.
Me: Heck yeah! So, I'm gonna hang out with you if that's cool.
Becca: Yeah! I'll see you when you get here.

It was kind of funny. While we were at her house for about 15 minutes, I met her gorgeous neighbor who bears resemblance to Liv Tyler, talked to her about my date that day, and watched these teenagers walk down the street with a gun, which we hoped was a bb gun. We were a little worried about it, but nothing happened, so we just hoped it was what we hoped it was and not a real gun. So, Becca and I go to Starbucks so I can get her my markout as I had promised her weeks ago. I got my tips, and they were actually pretty good this week. I was talking about my dress being in the window of Blackmail, and Becca wanted to see it, so we drove on up. She was so proud of me! We were going to get Bubble Tea, but decided to get a coffee/Americano (me/her) at Jo's on South Congress, and I flirted with this beautiful barista with long, flowing, beautiful golden locks. We took our beverages further a little more on South Congress to the patio at Mars where a band was playing. We sat outside the patio in front of a toy store, and a few moments later, we went inside.

KidGenius is such a cool store! The store guy was super cute, and Becca said he was into me. I didn't pick up on that so much, but I did think it was interesting when he said, "Yeah, we would go well together," after I told him I was also a musician/photographer, and that he could be my friend. There was an exchange of numbers, but I don't think anything will happen. Becca was all excited and hopeful for me, but I just didn't get the "he was interested" vibe. Then again, I usually don't. We'll see.

So, we go sit outside Mars again to listen to the band and Becca got a text from Heather's husband Thomas saying they would be at Barfly's on Airport. I convinced Becca to take us since she wasn't feeling it so much, but she was glad she went. Barfly's is definitely a dive, but it was fun to talk to Heather and Thomas before John and Michelle Mao showed up. We got on the subject of popcorn, and apparently, both Thomas and John are passionate about their ultimate love for popcorn. It was a hilarious conversation, to say the least. Finally, someone says, "Hey, let's go eat some popcorn!" We went to John and Michelle's house, made some awesome popcorn (I made my popcorn peanut butter sauce for everyone, but they only had a little bit), drank some beer, and sat around outside talking.

What a day.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

.:It gets harder and harder, Lorraine, to believe in magic, honey, when what came before is just so very tragic:.

Magic. . . I've missed that in my life for the past few months, it seems. It's nice to rediscover my very own world every now and then, and I've learned from this experience that if a situation between myself and someone else is correct, then I will not miss my world quite so much. This has been a lesson I've slowly realized, but as I take a slow drive around my neighborhood, breathing in the Sunday barbecues, allowing the wind mess up my freshly cut locks, and seeing each fence that is perfectly rusted and overgrown with new life, I forget all of these lessons I'm supposed to learn and exist only in those moments. My neighbors are grilling out today, and part of me want to walk down the street, meet them face to face for the first time, and enjoy being with them. For some unknown reason, I did not do this, but I'm confident that I will one day soon.

My new friend is quite a character. He reminds me a bit of Will from "About a Boy" because when I met him and asked him what he does, he said, "I do nothing." Really. I find that impeccably interesting. Then again, I would, wouldn't I?

Last night, my co-worker Kimberly and I went on a ladydate to Serrano's and then to see "The Laramie Project" because my other co-worker Randy is in the play. Bottom line: Incredible. Randy is gifted as an actor, and I was so proud of him every single line he had (which were quite a lot, actually). Later on, I got a text from him while I was in bed saying that he and some of his cast members were at the Peacock Lounge, which is a block away from where I live. I jumped out of bed, put on a random dress, got some boots on my feet, and started the trek. Less than 5 minutes later, I was there. I expressed my extreme appreciation for each person's talent, and some really interesting discussion about religion and homosexuality fostered during our time at the Peacock. Randy, Philip (cast member), and I went to my house after I got semi-felt up by a random, lonely, drunk dude I was trying to talk to just to see if he was alright and/or in need of a ride. (Not cool, meditating inebriated guy whose name is Chris. Hmmm. . .) We all talked a bit more about acting, AIDS, and other fun stuff before they went home. It was so great to hang out with Randy again, but I know that he has grown a lot from this play and what it means to him now. He's also able to do something he's passionate about, and I couldn't be more excited for him.

I'll write more on this later. I have to get ready for work now.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

.:Free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll and drift away:.

Letting go is proving to be difficult, but most people say it takes a new person to get over an old person. Maybe that's true, but my new person I hope will remain my friend. We would be so odd together, but it would be interesting. My life, in general, is interesting, to say the least, but this would definitely be one worth evaluating each step of the way.

Today, I am not sad. I am hopeful and becoming more productive. I will search for jobs, apply at Bank of America, and possibly finish cleaning and organizing my house before dinner and a play. Let's see if this actually happens. I hope it does.

I've become increasingly more interested in 3 women who give me happiness and inspiration, as well as beautiful music. These women are Patty Griffin (given), Jenny Lewis, and Lisa Loeb. These are very classy ladies who not only have incredible style, but they have music that means something to me. Lisa Loeb is one I've picked up and set aside before, but I've come to admire her more and more as of lately. It took me a little while to catch on to Jenny Lewis' charm, but moving to Austin fostered that relationship when I was feeling lonely and disconnected. And, of course, Miss Griffin. . . I've said enough about her for most ears and eyes to absorb, but I'm completely captivated by her. I think I'll design some things for these women and see where it goes. Granted, Patty has Boudoir Queen to think of her, but when do I let these things stop me? Answer: Never.

P.S. Dates at Whole Foods rock. ;)

Friday, October 10, 2008

.:What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart:.

Good question. What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? I could get creative with this. Let's see where it goes.

It's a sad morning for me, but moreso productively sad, if that makes any sense. Erich Skelton's "Bombs Away" is a beautiful complement to my scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of turkey bacon, and sheer misery that I'm afraid I'll die alone with just my shoes. At least, they will be cute shoes and they will have something to say for me. Here's what I would say.

Here lies SavannahRed, whose real name is unknown. She died of a broken heart, but did not go unloved. Occasionally, she would wake up early in the morning and walk to the grocery store just to give a good morning to everyone she saw while she got the first pick of green beans. Her life was fascinating, whoever she was, and her world was definitely colorful, as obviously stated by her invigorating array of shoe hues. She was a singer, photographer, designer, dancer, traveler, and friend, but now she's all alone, covered with dirt and grass, and all alone. Her heart was too big for this world, so it exploded. That is how she died.

That's a really strange obit, but I'm strange, so it works.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

.:Whole lot of hard times, whole little bit of magic:.

Europe was pretty incredible. I'm still attempting to take it all in. Rob kept commenting on the fact that I wanted to absorb every single thing, and I did. I did my best to memorize the city streets as I was walking to the final train station to the airport. There were potted plants outside a restaurant by a tram stop that I wanted to remember forever. They were like little bonzais in long, white, rectangular ceramic boxes, and some of the green from the plants had run off the side with water, so it stained their encasings perfectly. I was unable to pull out my camera during our rush, but I hope my mind took a lasting photographic reference.

I wrote so much in my journal that I'm not even sure I have the words anymore. Each place I visited had its individual charm. I thought of all of my friends while I was there, and I wished each of you could have been there. I experienced so much, and now I'm back, experiencing even more.

My heart is still broken, so Europe didn't cure that, but perhaps, it made me understand it a little more.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

.:If you're going to San Francisco, wear flowers in your hair:.

I leave from Zurich for Paris tomorrow. It is surreal that I've been here 3 days already. Zurich, Luzern, and Bern are the places I have been these days, and I can't pick one as a favorite. The way of life here is so beautiful. I want to stay! I keep asking Rob if Starbucks could transfer me here. Why not? You have but only one life to live, after all.

I wrote this today in my travel journal (that I have half-full so far - but it's tiny anyway). Enjoy.

"Sept. 27

I'm writing from the Rosengarten (rose garden) on top of a hill in Bern. It overlooks the city, and the view - it is hard to describe accurately how beautiful it is. I see the Muenster church and the Congress building in the distance, 2 places I've seen up close. The trees are below me and I'm sitting on the grass. I was on a bench, but I chose to come here.

I've only been in Switzerland for 3 days, but most like all the international places I've been (less so for Bangkok), I find myself attached to it and all its charm. Right now, we are on the train back to Zurich from Bern. The sun is shining on my face as I watch it fall over the Swiss city over my right shoulder. This is a time and feeling I do not want to take for granted.

I realized that today while I was sitting in the grass at the Rosengarten overlooking Bern. Ever since I planned this trip, I had envisioned myself up high over a city, looking out, and having some kind of moment where my life made much more sense than perhaps the moment before. I had that very feeling at the rose garden as well as now on the train.

So often, I take things and people and places in my life for granted, and I don't necessarily mean to. Either I become very busy or very distant for one reason or another, and I think that is an excuse I make to keep up what I've been doing. How many people are as fortunate as I am to have the friends, family, and lifestyle that I have? I cannot think of too many, really. How many people do I know who can say they have watched the sun set over a valley in Switzerland, or have been in 4, 5, or 6 countries where the common language they first overhear in the morning is not their own? Again, not too many. I am eternally grateful for my life and the incredible things that occupy it. I hope that from this moment on that I can remember being moved to tears on a mountainside by the gorgeous view of the capital of Switzerland and let it serve as a reminder to be thankful for every waking moment that I am alive and well in this intriguing world."

I love you all.

Monday, September 22, 2008

.:Some people don't care if they live or they die. They just wanna know what it feels like to fly.:.

Wednesday morning is approaching at a greater speed than I had planned for. Of course, I work 3:30 to close tonight and tomorrow, thus leaving me about 2 seconds to accomplish everything that needs to be done in preparation for my expedition. I do not have time to shower today, however, I have made time to eat breakfast and do some writing. One would think my priorities are a little off, but I don't mind. My whole world is off. I rather enjoy it that way.

I went for a drink (of water, actually) with my friends Jillian and Jourdan. It was her 27th birthday, and I'm glad I took a break. I was told many hilarious and stomach churning stories by her friend she saw at Little Woodrow's and invited him over to hang out with them. He was an interesting guy who has done some pretty unbelievable things. Apparently, Korean cat tastes amazing. Good to know. I'll add that one to the food blog for when I go to Korea.

Blackmail on South Congress is having a Little Black Dress competition. I have been telling everyone I'm entering since I found out about it, but I didn't officially start, apart from buying fabric (Let me tell you how glad I am that I didn't slack on that one!), until yesterday at about 6:30 pm. I stopped sewing around 4 this morning, but this was after cooking dinner for about an hour and having about 2 hours worth of social activity. I was starting to get extremely frustrated toward the end, basically because I was tired and didn't care as much. Honestly, though, even in it's almost finished state, I am so proud of myself! It looks so great, and I can't believe I even thought it up or made it myself. I copied the top part from a pattern, but I added everything else, so it feels 95% me. Even though I labored until my eyes went cross and my shoulders and neck are killing me today, it warms my heart. I don't care if I win (ok, that's not true)! I am, ultimately, excited about what I've done and what this shows me as a designer/seamstress/sewn product manufacturer. [Sewn product manufacturer: One who dreams it up and makes it. How nonglamorous does that sound?]

Today would be a great day for me to abandon my car with this feeling I have, but I have too much to do. Maybe I'll get to post again before I leave. We'll see.

Friday, September 19, 2008

.:I went walkin' down the street, yeah, and who did I meet?:.

It's Saturday morning. I woke up earlier than I had ever planned to, but that's alright. I've got a lot of things I need to do today.

My kitchen is tiny, my sink is almost microscopic, but I absolutely adore being in here. This particular attachment could be due to the fact that I transformed this mecca of goodness from a dirty, nauseating hole of clashing purples. Let it not go unsaid that I definitely had some help from my wonderful friends. However, the majority of my labors went into this kitchen and I have this longing to take it with me wherever I go.

Why is it that we hold on to the things that we make or put the most effort into? We find it difficult to let go of things or people or places that take up our time and sweat, but do we ever consider that of others on the same plane? I'm afraid not, which is why I believe the artist world is such a struggle.

In less than a week, I will be in Zurich, Switzerland. Yes, I will be eating Swiss chocolate (are you kidding me?!). Yes, I will be meeting someone I've been friends with for half my life and never met him (I'll explain that one one day). And yes, I will find parts of life that I've never encountered, or at least, I hope to. There is a great, big, huge world of nothing but possibilities and endless dreams for me, and everything within me trembles with excitement and nervousness. I say nervousness because I was someone who was somewhat afraid to delve into what she was interested in for a very long. It truly took Nathan's passing to bring me out of this strange shell I allowed myself to be in. I'm not grateful for his death, but some good things have come of it. I won't say I'm a completely different person than before because it is still me. I'm just more of who I truly am because of it. I miss him every single day. Let that be noted as well.

Oh, world. What am I going to do with you today? I'll be cleaning and organizing a bit so when I come back, I can be a designer and not just a barista. However, I made a vow to myself to enjoy what I do as much as I possibly can and see the brighter side of rude customers who see me as a dehumanized corporate coffee chain attendant. After all, it could be much worse. Hmm. . .

.:Will you stand by me, or not at all?:.

I've been single for a week now. I think I may like myself better like that, actually.

Break-ups are almost like deaths in a way. You mourn the loss of a connection you had with someone, everything becomes a process with the spectrum of emotions you endure, and in the end, you try to remember the good times. Of course, there are many differences, but I seem to go through all of these things when dealing with a death of any form. But I am no expert on either, so it would make sense that nothing I say of the 2 makes sense.

Recently, I decided I will try to write another book, alongside the one I've been writing for a few years (that hasn't gotten very far). Some people enjoy my writings, so I want to see where this goes. I'm entitling this one "Death&Sugar." It's going to be funny. Maybe I'm the only one who gets it, but it's all in my head right now. We'll see.

There's a new photography idea I have floating around in my brain that involves, once again, the use of my shoes. This idea, however, is much more personal than just lining them up in a square on my lawn and photographing them. I would like to photograph a pair of shoes and send the photo in the form of a card to my closest friends. In this card, I will explain how I see them as one of my beloved pairs of shoes. This is partially inspired by the refrigerator magnet my mom once got me that says, "You can't have too many friends or pairs of shoes." Even refrigerator magnets inspire me. Go figure.

Wednesday, I officially became a pedestrian. For a while now, I had thought of taking a day off from using my car once a week. The thought process went like this: If I don't use my car once a week, I will be forced to abandon my laziness and actually - gasp - walk some places or to the bus stop. I will see a different side of life by walking/taking the bus because it will show me things I would otherwise miss by driving my car.

This is all due to my wanting to slow down, break my dependence on certain things, and try to have an even fuller life. Granted, I feel that my life is already yet so full, but I want the absolute most I can get out of it while learning more and more along the way.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

.:Some days I look down, afraid I will fall:.

Stilettos and Airplanes. Two of my many obsessions. God, how materialistic. But you know what? I could care less.

The color on my mind right now is a very mossy green. It's the color I see when I envision a swamp in the early morning with fog hovering over it. That's my life stage right now. It's beautiful for what it is, but I long for sunnier days that come and go.

Today, my world comprises of hot chai with milk, my usual breakfast for South Beach Diet purposes, Death Cab for Cutie, Patty Griffin (ok, she's my ultimate favorite - I just decided right this instant), organizing, and hopefully, starting the dress I will be making for the Little Black Dress Competition. We'll see.

I want to make videos - beautiful, captivating, inspiring videos of things just dancing. I need more dancing in my life. I'm going to go dance with myself and my dreams.