My recent days have been occupied, and in the alone times, there has been much reflection. My birthday was not too long ago, just over a week, and it feels like I've been resetting. I've set up some healthy challenges for myself, taken some time to evaluate important things and relationships and goings on in my life, and been more attentive to what I may feel She whispers to me in the quiet of my days and nights.
On our journeys, we wind around such beautiful moments in our lives. To be able to take a pause to digest our daily happenings seems rare in the time we live in, but those moments have been more abundant lately than not. This direction I am headed in gives me so much excitement, yet so much peace at heart. It just feels organic, finally, and the upcoming decisions I need to make I hope will be supported by the hands and hearts who have made me. Each return home, I carry with me some very large issues and come back with some sort of compromise.
If there is a word to capture my current feeling, I would choose "melodic." Perhaps, this may be due in part from the fact that I keep repeating this song. It's a really lovely feeling. I am happy.
My friends have done the "16 Things You May Not Know About Me" list, so I figured I would do it as well. Those things are fun.
1. I constantly wonder about how I will die, when I will die, and what will be the last thing I say, listen to, etc. Sometimes, while driving down the road with the radio on, I think, "Will [insert song title here] be the song I die to?"
2. I really love waking up really early in the morning and having breakfast. I reflect a lot during these times, and I get closer to myself and sometimes Her.
3. I talk to Nathan. I also talk to g-ma Mary and g-pa Ray, both whom I have never met. They are all dead and I talk to them. Sometimes, I feel like I can feel them listening. I do this at night usually.
4. A long time ago, I used to sing the "If you wanna be somebody" song from Sister Act 1 every single day until I told someone. I don't sing it every day, and I wish I had never told my secret because I liked it.
5. One of my secrets got into Berry's Yearbook PostSecret last year and it made me cry.
6. I have a secret fear that everyone is talking about me all the time. This stems from high school. I really, honestly, truly wish that I could get over that part. For some reason, it still lingers. Maybe it's because I know how fake people really are, and I feel like I fall into that category more often than I would ever care to admit.
7. I want to move to a random foreign country and live there for a year just to see what would happen. I want to do this with my family one day.
8. My favorite spot in my parents' house is sitting on the floor in front of my kitchen sink. There are carpet mats in front of the sink and the tile floor is usually really cold. The perfect moment for me there is when there is no one in the house, the lights are out, it's quiet and still, and it is a summer afternoon when it had just rained. The light is perfect, the room and floor are cold, but I see it for what it is and I sit there in amazement and silence. . . but then the moment is ruined a few seconds into it because the phone usually rings. The phone is always ringing at my parents' house.
9. I hate talking on the phone for the most part. I don't answer my parents' phone very often because it isn't for me anymore and I hate telling people I am not my mom.
10. I am great at organizing for others, terrible for myself. (I'm sure this isn't unknown to some, though.)
11. People talk to me about religion a lot, and sometimes I wish they wouldn't. I would rather talk about other things with certain people, only because I wish we could get past that one topic and actually get to know each other. It's not that it is a deep subject, I like deep subjects, but sometimes I would rather know what they think about a really beautiful and gripping film or why they picked their favorite color.
12. I'm afraid that I will be cheated on when I'm married.
13. I'm attracted to much older men but afraid of them at the same time, for obvious reasons.
14. I want to be a pro surfing photographer more than I will ever tell anyone. I feel like I wouldn't get the chance if I were even remotely ready for it.
15. My interests/talents/passions enthrall me and terrify me at the same time. It's difficult to be that vulnerable all the time, but also liberating. Artists are tortured souls at times, it seems, and I wish that were not true in some aspects.
16. I want to be in love more than anything in this entire world, but I want it to be with the real one. I know that is commonly known, but it is constantly on my mind. I won't stop until there is magic. I cannot live without that magic. I agonize over it at all times of the day, whether I admit it or not.
And there you go.
P.S. Happy 105 years of beautiful aviation!