Last night, I went to bed heartbroken (well, more like heart-chipped) and woke up pretty much the same. Didn't even leave my bed for a few hours. Such a mess that broken heart can make! 2 hours of productive time I spent in the comforts of my pillows and blankets and warmth... Ok, so maybe not such a bad idea on virtual paper, but there was something plaguing me that kept me there so long, tears streaming intermittently, and here is the real truth.
I am exhausted with lust.
Perhaps some of this is due to the fact that I recently came back from a wedding, and we all know that weddings really make you think about your own whether you've had one (or more than one?) or haven't. (Don't deny it, ok? You know weddings do that. It's no big secret.) So, spending days in another state celebrating the union of 2 people who actually want to see each other every day for, like, EVER and want to make a contract out of it could make me feel exhausted with the whole "we're just sleeping together/fooling around" mentality. But that doesn't seem like the problem, though. Could it be something ongoing and not just event-driven? Maybe it's because I've never had a boyfriend longer than a year and that was 6 years ago? *pause for reflection* No, that can't be it. Wait. I know! I've got it.
I am the girlfriend type.
*headdesk* Casual flings are not for me. Realizing that I am the girlfriend type makes me feel so much more alone in our day and age than ever before. I say "ever before" because I already felt alone when I chose to be abstinent (of the penetration variety, you know). Yeah. How about them apples?! I'm a social weirdo, which is totally cool because I have a laundry list of reasons for it that I am confident in, but the fact that I am the girlfriend type is absolutely solidified right there. Simply put, I don't put out. Finding a guy who is comfortable with this idea (HAH! That's a stretch.) and won't sleep with someone else behind your back (Cue scenes from every relationship I've ever been in.) is near to impossible. Ok, we know where to find some of those, I don't have to say it, but I guess I'm REALLY picky when it comes to men.
Maybe I'm just too pessimistic. But seriously, what happened to relationships? What happened to actually getting to know someone before you took their clothes off? Call me old fashioned, but I consider it a common courtesy to find out what someone's world is all about before you work your magical, one-handed, unhook-the-bra/unbutton-the-pants trick. The bra trick is *real* impressive guys, but you'd impress me more if you actually did call the next day - and, while we're at it, even the next - to see me with my clothes ON. Don't get me wrong - I do like the hours-long make-out sessions and whatnot. It's all great and natural, I'm totally not knocking that, but for someone who gets attached when intimate actions are involved, my heart is obliterated when the night ends with, "Well, that was fun. See you around." (Just stab me in the chest, for crying out loud!) Maybe this whole real life relationship thing just happens to other people and it's just not my turn yet. That's fine. I'm sure that turn will happen one day and honestly, I'm not in a rush because I'm a bit preoccupied. But today, I am simply exhausted with lust, and I think that's ok. So from now on, let this be my introduction to the male society:
Hi. My name is Anslee. I will date you if we gel, but keep your penis to yourself until this is a forever-ever kind of thing. Got it?