Sunday, July 19, 2009

.:You can cry or die or just make pies all day. I'm making pies.:.

Living by myself has been interesting in many ways, but more so in a way that I know so much about myself that I had never paid attention to before. I guess I'm really figuring out more about my body and how I have this conversation happening internally I was never aware of. Of course, a lot of this revolves around food. If I eat something with a lot of sugar, my body tells me almost immediately and I don't feel very good. If I need exercise, it lets me know that, too. It's really interesting to me to discover these things about myself, and it's true to admit that I took these signals I kept misreading for granted, but now I want to know more.

Don't misread this - I know myself. I just want to continue learning even more about the things I already know, I guess. After all, I have said for years (yes, years) that I am the only person I am guaranteed to spend the rest of my life with. I might as well continue to allow herself to unfold, and the many other people in her head. :)

I have had this hope that I would get to a quiet place in my daily life. This quiet place is reserved for taking in the day - to be grateful, still, honest, open, and reflective. It's almost a meditation, but more or less just a time to sit or lie and be. I choose to accept whatever goings on happened in the day in this time. I choose to restructure anything that could have potentially damaged anything in my life, internally at least. I hope to continue these times throughout my days. They offer me balance and grace. These things I long for above most other things.

As far as coming into my adulthood, I feel that perhaps that has arrived. I had an opportunity to be an MC for an event on Friday, and I conquered my fear of making a complete idiot of those involved. I say that because I have a tendency to be a dumbass in 2 immediate situations: the presence of a "celebrity" (or someone I highly regard as such) and when a microphone is in my hand. I'm proud to say that I was actually just funny. I'll take it.

Growing pains feel really good right now, to be honest. Maybe one of these days, I'll be taken seriously. One can only dare to dream. . .

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