.:You only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times:.

Moving thoughts:

I'm about to clean out the refrigerator of my former residence.
Air conditioning (or at least the ability to even control your own air conditioning) is a modern luxury I am taking advantage of.
I'm hungry.
Storage space will never be seen as just a necessity. It is a requirement.

Back to work.

.:If it's ever gonna get any better, it's gotta get worse for a day:.

Things have been going extremely well for me lately. My last night of working at Starbucks is next Sunday, and I've already started working for my new job, which I think I will really, really love. Soon, I will be moving, too. There are all kinds of really great things going on in my life, lots of positive changes, and I'm greatly anticipating what all of this may bring.


For Lent, I gave up using my credit card. It was weird to say that, but I decided that it was something I needed to do. I found myself relying on that thing so much that it was stressing me out, so I figured, if there was one thing to give up this year, it would be that. I had never actually given anything up for Lent, not seriously anyway, but this time, I stuck to my guns. I've learned so much in this process about how I should be more purposeful in my purchasing, not wasteful with food, and think a little more before buying some things that I really don't need or won't need for a while. I'm proud to say that because of all of this, I've managed to pay off one of my cards, the rest of my sewing machine credit account, and most of my other card that has been pretty hard to tackle. Not only have I done all of these things, I've actually put some money into savings. Granted, all of this is also because I've picked up a few more jobs with photography, teaching, etc., but I feel that because I sacrificed these plastic luxuries, I've been able to be more money-conscious and be able to do things for my future and not just blow it all on frivolous things like more vintage fabric (God help me.) or some random trip to Europe. . . which will always tempt me, as you should know.


I'm tired.

.:I'm in love with illusion so saw me in half, I'm in love with the trick so pull another rabbit out your hat:.

Thursday morning was such a beautiful time for me. I awoke and prepared for the day. During my dressing ritual, I stood in front of my mirror after putting on my underwear and stood there for a moment. I placed my hand on my tummy, looked down at it, and praised it for being the way it is. In the mirror, I observed its obscure shape, its inability to conform to society's standards of beauty, and felt its warmth and richness as I breathed in and out. A sudden maternal feeling came over me, but not in the sense of yearning to be with child, but as a woman who appreciates this vessel through which life springs from in more ways than labor of child bearing, but with labor of love.

This entire week has been wonderful, and quite a whirlwind of various goings on. There have been many moments for me to take a breath to be grateful for my life, the beautiful interactions I am allowed to have, and the richness I am handed every single day so undeservedly.

Last night, I wrote this as a small reflection of how great it is to simply be alive and well in this world. My hopes are that others may also take some time to be still and in awe of life's treasures we endure over and over again in our daily lives.

"It truly has been a beautiful week, a busy one, but definitely fruitful and heart-kindling. From meetings centered around photography and clothing construction to being published in The Onion to seeing Neko Case live and recording one of my very own songs, I feel that the positive energy from the past few days will carry me for quite some time. Thursday afternoon I had a huge moment of gratitude for the incredible life I have been given. Each day has been filled with reminders of the fact that I am loved, unconditionally, unashamedly, unfalteringly. This goodness I surely do not deserve yet my hopes are that I can in turn infect the world around me with such a beautiful sickness.

Although I am terribly exhausted, I decided to treat myself to dinner at Blue Dahlia Bistro for some porcini ravioli and a tartine with brie, walnuts, and apricot preserves. Definitely a good move, especially since my favorite waitress told me she dotted the i's on my order with hearts.

I'm pretty sure I'm set for life. This city loves me almost as much as I adore it. I will only leave when one of those loves runs out, and maybe even then I may still be enchanted to some degree. Here's to life, particularly mine, and putting the pedal to the metal, but loving every moment of it."

I hope some of that doesn't sound as though I am saying "Look at me, my life is better than yours." I would never think that. I just hope that the things I say here can serve as some optimism for someone else, that someone can look to the things in his/her life and appreciate the smaller things when the bigger things just aren't adding up. That's all, really. Just trying to make some love through words in whatever way I can.

.:Jesus don't cry, you can rely on me honey:.

me: little gideon of wisdom, what do you have for me today?
gideon: i am bursting with wisdom.
me: give me some of that. i'll take anything today.
gideon: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
me: this is the worst fortune cookie i've ever gotten.
coincidentally, also the best. :)

gotta love the canadian-born chinese pastors.
i love this.
i needed it today.

.:The band's singing Hallelujiah, you are gone:.

What is it about rainy mornings that I enjoy so much? Perhaps it could be that it puts me in a contemplative state for the remainder of the day, but I also rather admire the light. The light is still there, but it is pretty hidden by the precipitation-pregnant clouds, so one only knows there is light because we can see, yet we cannot see the light itself. This could be one of my favorite parts of a rainy day, but only one of the many.


I just turned on "Trav'lin' Light" by Miss Billie, and I must admit, it puts me in a melancholic, romantic mood for that love that just won't let me go.


I'm going to a barbecue later and I am so excited to eat with people outside that I am making so many things to bring. For a while now, I've had this strong desire to go on a picnic, and this is the closest thing I've come to, so I'm pulling out all the stops.
1. Melon and Mango Salsa (with cilantro and red onion) with Blue Corn and White Corn Chips
2. Honey and Lime Sweet Potato Salad
3. Honeydew, Blackberry, Lime, and Mint Salad

SavannahRed loves salad. What can I say? Can't wait until 7 pm!

.:No one can ever find you:.

Warning: Kind of an emo post. Beware.

This week has been amazing for so many reasons, one I will not list so as not to jinx my life, but much of it was seeing all of the incredible artists and musicians put themselves out here for SXSW. It has been so inspiring to me, and last night, I was so moved to write. I haven't written in years - years - and I've been wanting to write a lot lately, but never had the inspiration. I wrote about Nathan.

So, here's what I came up with. It didn't make me cry on the outside.
(Try reading it while listening to the 2nd track on Ray LaMontagne's "Til the Sun Turns Black")

The day, it was quiet
except for the hum of the engine
No doubt there was a lot on your mind
but I fear you didn't say it for some reason
Over and over the dunes and whatever below
Somewhere you had been for far too long
Somewhere you still did not know

The faces you see in every turn
on the streets
in houses
Each glance leaves a burn
in your heart
for theirs
For you were there for them
just as much as me
and all of us here
And it was not them
who took you
Or who broke you

It took a few days for me to feel your fire blaze out
In fact, I still do not believe in what I read
Or what I saw
Or how your mother cried
Or how your brother held me
Or the tattoos of "Esse Quam Videri"
Or the fact I will never see you or hear you
again

.:I'm not looking for the rest of your life I just want another chance to live:.

It has been raining for a few days here, and I love it. I feel like I need this weather because it's the kind of mood that several friends and I have been in lately, so it's as if this is the universe's perfect response to our brokenheartedness. While this is true, some of us have been laughing together again in a way that we have realized we have missed. It's nice to come back to that. I have missed genuine laughter in my life, it seems.

I'm sitting at Summer Moon on South 1st, which is right across the street from where I will be moving in just over a month. I can almost see my patio from where I am seated. I have a very calm feeling about it today, and that's the first time I've felt peace more than nostalgia. I'm already detaching myself from the East side, and it makes me somewhat remorseful. I love my neighborhood so much, but I must do this for financial reasons. I just hope my friends don't forget about me.

Friend, don't forget about me, ok?

.:I'm wearing my footsteps into this floor. Someday I won't live here anymore:.

.:And someone will wonder who lived here before and went on their way:.

Patty Griffin. I love you. You know exactly what to say and when to say it.

Mom came this week to help me find a new place to live. It came down to 2 places, and it was one of the hardest decisions we have made in a very long time. I was a nervous wreck about everything - EVERYTHING - until we made a decision. I was nervous about things I've never been nervous about before.

The fact about everything is that I'm growing up. It scares me a little bit, but only because I hate that responsibility that seems to weigh so much, but I have to deal with it. I wish that some things didn't come with such weight, honestly, like finding a place to live. I don't want to make a huge mistake and there are so many factors that contribute to that decision that I didn't know what to choose over the other. Basically, it came down to a financial decision. It's a good decision, especially now, but I just hope that down the road, in a year or 2, that I can take the opportunities I encounter and not suffer for it. That's the goal. We'll see how it goes.

Another good thing that came from this visit is that my mother and I see a little more eye-to-eye now, and that is refreshing. She questioned her ability as a mother when I told her where I wanted to live and I didn't understand that or explain myself until we were crying at the lunch table. Then, she questioned her ability as a provider (in many ways) and I didn't really understand that either until we were crying at the dinner table. It has been quite an emotional week for us, but her plane is taking off right now, and I know she's happy with me and my decisions. I can't ask for more than that right now. She's a really great mother. I hope I can be even half the woman she has been to me one day.

I truly love the woman who gave me life.

.:We've got to stand up if we're gonna be free:.

I can't help but realize how privileged I am more and more each day. I take it for granted, and understand that every time something major happens. This week, I started teaching. The first day was really horrible, but it got better throughout the week. Then, the city found a massive leak in my house and turned our water off. Our water has yet to be turned back on again. I was really angry for a few days about various things, the aforementioned included, but in evaluating the reality of the situation, I really have nothing to complain about.

Yesterday, Gideon was hinting at the idea that oftentimes we feel that we need respect and admiration, and I think that was one of my biggest issues this week. Whether it was from friends, the guys with Vox, in my classroom, or anywhere else, because of my frustrations, I was almost convinced that maybe Austin isn't the place for me right now. Really, I was just being selfish that the world wasn't revolving around me, that people actually have other things they need to do instead of focus their efforts on whatever I need, and that sometimes, your friends really want to hang out with someone else. My self-absorbed utopia got crunched a bit, and that's how I learn the most. Austin is the place for me - I see this every day - and I'm almost embarrassed that I was bawling my eyes out like a baby to one of my good friends and blatantly disregarding the fact that I was, essentially, using her to make my life better.

I've also realized how I abuse my privileges when it comes to water. Having water is way more important than I had ever fathomed it would be. I think I will definitely make a more conscious effort to preserve what I have once it gets turned back on.

So, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I turned all of the little things I have to do to get by these days into positives. For example, I love using my Zoopals Funtensils in the morning in place of regular silverware. This morning, I ate with an elephant and a flamingo! It was totally great. Also, I'm getting a tour of my friends' showers these days. Paul and Larina have a really cool shower, Hannah and Gina's could potentially wash off a tattoo, and Rachel and Wey have the cutest shower curtain! People have offered me so much, and I'm grateful for these people in my life who do help take care of me. When I get water back, I am definitely baking some cookies!

.:It's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes:.

You know, that last post wasn't a complaint.
I love my life!